Grouchy Gripes Again

More Things I Hate:




I HATE capers. They grow near the ocean and they are disgusting. I had a macaroni salad one time, and it secretly had these little nasties in it. I made a big scene spitting it out. I just can't handle them. I mean, I hate a lot of foods, but this is the one I hate the most. So I hope you believe me that they are terrible terrible terribles.





I HATE Scrappy Doo. I have this secret suspicion that his middle name is the same as his last name. I know I'm bagging on a fellow Hannah-Barberian here, but this freakish little mutant version of Scooby needs to get dipped like in Roger Rabbit. He used to run around and yell "Puppy Power!" or "Put 'em up, put 'em up!" I'll tell you what you can put 'em up, Crappy Doo.





I HATE Squamous cell carcinoma. Okay, to be honest, I don't really know what it is, but I found this picture of it, and that's enough for me to say something.








I HATE Sporty Spice. Spice girls in general are a strange and foreign species. But at least they are funny, and hot. But then there is Sporty Spice. The difference between sporty and the rest of the Sisters Spice is that she is not hot. She is quite nasty, in fact. And I'm completely willing to overlook the fact that she's the one who can actually sing.





























I HATE progeria. Progeria is a congenital disease that makes kids age at about ten time their natural rate. The kids usually die very young, after having become scary dried up husks reminiscent of the aliens in the awful McDonald's-funded 80s movie, Mac and Me. The worst thing is that these kids become demented before they go. Their skeletons never properly harden, so they spend most of their lives in bed. I also hate that that one kid's penis is showing.







I HATE Trekkies. Look at them. We'll start with the one on the left, whom I consider to be the most tragic case in this photo, solely because he looks like he could actually have a chance at a life. But no, there he is, dressed like the other freaks and sporting a tiny plastic toy gun. Or phaser if you will. The next three make me wonder whether some sort of gravity ray is on them. Or maybe they forgot to drink their V8 today. Most likely, though, is that the Klingon guy smells very, very, egregiously bad. To the woman: Intergalactic Ordinance #570034-87 clearly states: "If you are older than my mom, you don't go out in public in a short dress and whoreboots. Klingon guy, I hope you get your mother's gold blouse back in her closet before she notices it's missing. And I hope you go back into yours. The world doesn't need you.





I still HATE Trekkies. You do not let your children near a giant horrible fat alien like that. I don't care if it is his mother.




























I HATE gay Trekkie couples with adopted mysteriously Asian Trekkie babies and 1980s haircuts. Why does this exist!?





I HATE naked mole rats. I hate that they are naked. I hate their nasty twelve nipples, primarily because they are nasty in and of themselves, but secondarily because their sheer number suggests the size of the litter. I hate the wrinkles. Anything that wrinkled should never be naked. I hate the teeth, the gums, and the lower lip, which I believe actually got chewed through. I hate that if these things stop breaking their teeth down on the rocks through which they dig, their nasty lower teeth just keep growing until they run right through the brain. I hate that some guy seems to be touching the naked mole rat with his bare hands. I would use gloves or a bullet or plastic explosives or something.






I HATE the movie Master of Disguise. When you watch this movie, you can tell that they were like, "Hey, let's not write a script for this movie. Let's just dress up Dana Carvey in different ridiculous outfits and see how funny he bes." And so then Dana Carvey puts on some outfit, and instead of being funny, he's all, "Hey look at me, walkin' around and wearin' a hilarious wig and being so flippety funny." And then they put Brent Spiner, (Star Trek's Data) in the role of the villain, and made his only joke the fact that he farts every time he lets out an evil laugh. And then he does it lots of and lots of times. This is hands down the worst movie I have ever experienced. It's doubly sad that it was in theatres at the same time as his old Wayne's World buddy's Austin Powers III, with the notable distinction that the latter was actually funny and successful. I worked in a movie theatre for a year, and this is the film for which I had the most people ask for their money back. Well, maybe it was tied with Jackass: The Movie. But the point is, they both sucked.





I Hate goats' eyes. Particularly this one, because of the white crud and the opaque, viscous fluids oozing from it, but really all goats' eyes in general. They have rectangular pupils, and you have to see them up close because they try to follow you around and eat your clothing. You can't really see the pupils here, so I'm gonna show you one more before I end this.






See? Even without the sludge coming out, I HATE goats' eyes. Now go away. I probably hate you, too.

When in Doubt, Mumble

That's what yesterday's fortune cookie said. There's nothing quite like walking to a Chinese buffet in the freezing rain and eating by yourself, thank goodness.

"KOLKATA, India - A woman receiving treatment for diabetes at a state-run hospital in eastern India lost one of her eyes after ants nibbled away at it, officials said on Tuesday.

"The patient recovering from a post-surgery infection shrieked for help as the ants attacked her on Sunday night, but nurses told her it was normal to feel pain from the infection.

"On Monday, the patient’s family saw a gaping hole with swarming ants in it when they lifted the bandage on her left eye."

Mom and Mack have decided to buy a fire truck. Fluorescent green. "We put Santa up there and drive around in the Thanksgiving Parade!" I am afraid I'm doomed to be like this my whole life. I guess it shouldn't shock me any more. Not since my youngest brother decided to get rid of his bed and start sleeping in a dentist's chair.

"Did your tooth fall out!?" the freshman girl said to my friend Squirrell, just as the elevator doors were shutting. Squirrell looked down at the folds of his pirate costume to see if there was indeed a tooth on his person. We were halfway done with trick-or-treating, and we'd been given a LOT of the same generic Costco-brand hard candy, so it was possible.

Either she noticed how confused he seemed, or she thought he was gesturing toward his pirate costume with his chin, because she followed it right up with an enthusiatic "Oh! Did you black it out?"

Awkward. Because Moose, the Neverbird, and I (the four of us had all come to the freshman dorms together to hit them up for their extra candy or ewhatever else they might have there) knew what the girl didn't know. What Squirrell told her then, with his best wounded-looking face: "No. I have a gap in my teeth." Like I said, awkward. I loved it.

My roommate told me a joke:

The devil is taking someone on a tour of Hell and showing him the various rooms, as he is wont to do in so many jokes. So the guy keeps asking what's in each room. Here are the devil's responses:

"Here is where we keep the Hindus who ate beef.... This room is for the Mormons who drank coffee and tea.... This one is for the Jews and Moslems who ate pork.... And this one? It's for the Episcopalians who ate their salad with the dinner fork."

Went to the planetarium on a date with the Neverbird. The woman who gave the presentation was the most hideous basement-dwelling nerd you can imagine. You know the girls you see around campus who never take care of themselves, and then they mope to their roommates about how no boys even look at them? The type that all the boys go out of their way to avoid looking at? The kind for whom kindly visiting teachers anonymously leave bottles of conditioner on the doorstep? The kind who show up at the Good Will on the day the new used clothes arrive so they can pick the rack clean of frumpy, over-sized Eeyore sweatshirts? This lady was that type. Only now grown up, teaching at BYU, still unmarried, and with even worse posture than you'd expect. Like those moles on Super Mario World. Anyway, now that I've painted the picture, I can splain what happened.

So the lights were out, and she started talking about how difficult it is to prove the existence of extrasolar planets when we aren't even sure how many planets there are orbiting our sun. I shuddered, then whispered to the Neverbird that there are few things more terrifying than hearing that woman utter the words, "our sun." We got into all kinds of trouble that night for not being able to stop laughing. Actually, that happens pretty much everywhere we go. I contemplated dressing up as slim goodbody when we went to an organ concert in SLC. "OH!" I would gasp. "I think there has been a terrible misunderstanding."

Ah, life. I'm excited for Harry Potter. We're dressing up for that one. The Neverbird has robes and wands and everything.

Next Sunday I am speaking at a ward fireside. You all should come, if you can. I'll be telling a pretty interesting story. It'll be one I've never told on my blog. Anyway, that's all for now. It seems the more fodder I have for blogging, the less time I have in which to do it. Such a conundrum.

Campus Deer Problem

Here's a letter to the editor from the Daily Universe from the other day:

Campus Deer Problem

Some time ago I was walking home from campus in the middle of the day. Classes were in session. which eliminated foot traffic near the MARB, where I was walking. All of a sudden I heard a loud noise behind me.

There was not even time to look back before a deer bolted past me, about a foot away. This scared the living daylights out of me. I could have been seriously injured. BYU needs to take the problem of deer on campus seriously before someone gets hurt.

JASON WRIGHT
Orem

Well, here's the letter I just sent in response:

I am a deer. Some time ago I was foraging for sustenance near the MARB while classes were in session. I decided to cross the nearby road. As I was crossing I heard a shocking noise to my left.

There was scarcely time to get all the way across before a whiny freshman turned and yelled at me, about a foot away. This scared the living daylight out of me. I should have seriously injured him. Imagine my chagrine when a copy of the Daily Universe comes fluttering up to me in the wind while I'm eating the leaves off some shrubs the other day, and it opens up to a letter from that very student, complaining about my presence in his university. Well, I decided to write a letter complaining about his university's presence in my wilderness. Honestly, that kid probably clapped when Bambi's mom got killed. We deer have been very tolerant of you humans' presence here in our valley, and all we ask is a little respect in return. BYU seriously needs to take the problem of whiny, nature-hating humans on campus seriously before some deer gets seriously hurt. Seriously.

JOHN DOE

(SNAPPY SMURF)
Napa, California

Also, friends, be sure to check out Buh's new extra hilarious blog.

Wild's Turn

These are some of my favorite animals. After I started collecting them, I realized there's a relationship between all the animals I love best. It's that they're all a little bit off. Just like all my favorite people. This little guy to the right is a fennec fox. I bet all the other animals make fun of him for those ears. Poor guy. And I bet he can hear them talking about him behind his back, since he can hear bugs crawling beneath several centimeters of sand and can distinguish between very subtle difference in his friends' vocalizations.

Over here on the left we have the California moray eel. That's a face only a mother could love. These things are so ugly, the only roommates they can find are the red rock shrimp, bottom-dwellers who clean up after the eels in exchange for the food they bring back in. The eels have huge nasty teeth, too. Bleh.







Below we have one of the most fascinating creatures in existence: the fossa! It's pronounced "foosa." This thing climbs trees and eats primarily lemurs. You have to find a nature documentary on Madagascar so you can see how these guys climb. They're so graceful. They wouldn't make it onto my animal outcast list, except that they are endangered and are relegated to living on one small island. I will own one some day.





















Now over here we have that inbred, white trash salamander known as the hellbender. These things don't have gills; they just breathe through folds in their skin. They never complete metamorphosis, and their lungs are only used for bouyancy control. They live in the deep south, and their wives are larger than they are.



If crazy old Asian men were marsupials, they'd be koalas. Koalas might look cute to you, but I can tell that they're secretly grouchy. No matter when you see them, you can tell you just woke them up. They have bedhead, sour expressions, and sore throats. At least, I am guessing their throats are sore because of all the eucalyptus they're always chewing on. I bet they want us to go away and stop looking at them right now, so we're going to.






Most fat people I know just avoid the beach. The poor manatee, though has no choice. She must live there all year round, and naked, to boot! They are sometimes called sea cows, but I think they are sea dog-poops. All that extra fat helps to keep them warm, I guess, and it helps them to float. Plus, there's just more of them to love, huh?





Nobody knows what nature had eaten the day it barfed out the pangolin (left). Also known as the scaly anteater, it's the only mammal with scales. Its only hair is its eyelashes. A sad fact about the life of the pangolin: only once has a pangolin been discovered by humans with another pangolin. The two were in an underground burrow with a baby pangolin. Otherwise, this pathetic creature walks all alone at night, presumably so that the animals that aren't freaks can't see it. It eats nasty insects and climbs trees with its powerful tail, or digs using those sharp claws. You can find it in Africa or Asia.



I have a huge soft spot in my heart for this li'l feller. He's called the pink fairy armadillo. Yeah, that's right, it's an armadillo. He hails from Argentina, so everybody give him a warm "iHola!" So as though it weren't bad enough to be pink, fuzzy, and small enough to fit in the palm of your hand, they had to call him a fairy, too. The saddest thing about this creature's existence, though, is the fact that scientists haven't been able to find any impact this thing has on its ecological system. If all the fairy armadillos dropped off the face of the earth, nobody would ever notice. Sorry, fairyboy. You matter to me. Almost.



Speaking of fairies, did you know that the male sea horse has the babies? Poor guy is totally whipped. His wife probably goes to work or hangs around in sand bars all day while the guy stays home and changes diapers, tries to keep the sea stable clean, and have 36,000 live baby shrimp ready for the seamare to eat by the time she gets home. They have to eat that much live shrimp every day! If they eat dead food they die. They swim too slowly to catch anything, so instead they use their little snouts as vacuums to suck up the food, with pretty good accuracy up to one inch. The horsey you see to the left there is a lined sea horse. See how forlorn he looks? That's because evolution somehow screwed him up and his body is not very hydrodynamic at all. Plus he knows that beastly wife of his is coming home soon, and he's just been sitting on the couch watching Orka all day.

The sea horse is not a real horse.



You know that one crazy cousin or uncle who never gets invited to family reunions? Meet the secretary bird. This is actually a bird of prey, though his closest relatives, such as the eagle, the osprey, and the peregrine falcon, would love to keep that a secret from you. And who wouldn't? He's got a drab grey coat, acne-esque skin, capris, a stupid hairdo, and worst of all, those ridiculous gangly legs. It's no wonder he's stuck with the job of secretary to the other, cooler birds. I bet the other birds call him "secretary nerd." He even wears a pocket protector. Or at least I'm sure he would if he wore pockets. And one time the kite locked him in his own locker and he was in there for two periods before they found him. He didn't mind, though, because he missed gym class. He eats snakes and rodents, and is so lazy he prefers to walk everywhere, even though he can totally fly.




The black swan has it pretty rough. When swans migrate, the black swan has to give up his spot for a white swan and fly in the back of the V. Haha, no, just kidding. Swans don't form V's, but I thought that would be funny to say that. The black swan does have a lot of parallels with the black inner-city youth, though. He communicates by visual signs, for one, and sticks together with other black swans throughout the adolescent years until a mate is selected. He is also bigger than other swans and is really good at basketball. Holy cow, I'm going to get into so much trouble for this one. On to the next animal, before some swans do a drive-by on my house.


You probably didn't know this animal exists, but I have wanted one for years. It's a kangaroo. But not the red or grey kangaroos you're probably more familiar with. This is a tree kangaroo. Isn't it other-worldly? If I owned him, I would name him Fuzzbucket. He's especially good at jumping back and forth between the trees in the upper levels of the rainforests of Australia and the surrounding islands. My theory is that the other, bigger kangaroos chased him out of the wide open outback and he had to go hide from them in the tops of the trees. And he will be mine some day. Oh, yes. He will be mine.




Ok, I leave you with two pictures of the animal I want most of all. He's called the kinkajou, and if anyone has a few thousand dollars he's dying to spend on my birthday, he can glean some inspiration from these photos. Kinkajous are nocturnal in the wild, but diurnal as pets. They can live up to 24 years in captivity, so you can count this as all my birthday presents until I'm 48. And they just eat fruit, so it's really easy to shop for them. Please please please somebody get me one. If this doesn't work, I'm writing Santa.

















Well, folks, That's the end of Wild Smurf's animal tour for today. Maybe in the future he'll team up with grouchy and tell you about his least favorite animals. For now, I'm going to be over there in the corner dealing with the fact that I've just realized that I want to be a TV host for a children's educational animal program instead of anything realistic.

Scaredy's Turn

Well, Scaredy wants to take over for today, to share with all of you the things he's afraid of. Here you go, little guy.

Okay, let's list them off.

#1:




Cats. These things terrify me. They are just tiny little dragons with fur. Why does no one recognize this? Their eyes burn like brimstone in the dark. They are witches in disguise. And there is nothing scarier than a shaved naked cat in the dark. Or so I imagine.

#2:




It was 2002. I was working as the guy who splices the movies together in a movie theatre. Part of my job was staying after all the movies got out and watching the ones I'd just spliced to make sure they were working okay and in the right order. One night, I spliced together M. Night Shyamalan's third major motion picture, "Signs." I ended up watching the movie alone in an empty movie theatre at 1:00 a.m. I believe I might have gone completely mad that night. I screamed and screamed and screamed, curled up into a ball in my seat, yelled at the screen, and clutched the soda-stained arms of my seat in white-knuckle horror. Eventually the film reached its rather uplifting climax, and then the movie ended. I was frozen to my seat. Before I could get up, I found myself hitting the seat next to me to make sure there wasn't a camouflaged alien sitting there. I ran upstairs to the cobweb-laden projection room (more labyrinth than room, I assert) put away the film, and ran willy-nilly all the way back down the stairs, and outside. I took a stick off the ground and poked around in the back seat of the car to see if there was anything there before getting in. On the way home, I got stopped by a languid train out in the countryside, right in front of a cornfield for about ten minutes. I rolled down my window and yelled at the corn, "I KNOW YOU"RE THERE! YOU STAY AWAY FROM ME!" I figured if I were wrong, then nobody would hear me making a fool of myself anyway. Then I looked up at the creepily ethereal train for which I was still waiting, and seemed to see an ectomorphic figure watching me from atop the caboose. I screamed aloud again, and rolled up the window as fast as it would go. I was really regretting at this point that I lived by myself. When I got home, I turned on all the lights in the house and eventually fell asleep in the bathroom (there were no windows in there). The next morning, I was still terrified by light of day. I found myself checking behind doors, leaving unfinished glasses of water on random pieces of furniture, and eventually sheepishly calling a friend and having him come over so I would have my mind on other things. I swear this is the only time I've ever been terrified even after the movie (except for when I was ten and my parents showed us "Night of the Living Dead," but I think I can cite my age as an excuse on that one). Somehow it tapped into something I wasn't even aware of and scared me to pieces.

#3:




Okay, I know you might think I'm joking, but have you ever seen one of these things walk? Yeah, it's slow, but it's also terrifying. And they're actually incredibly fast swimmers. And those claws! Look at them! I heard that sloths are so strong that if one grabs onto your arm, you have to cut the sloth off. I am never letting one of these catch me. Never!

#4:




Disembodied hands. I fear hands crawling on me more than anything. It probably has to do with my dad's habit of drawing a smiley face on his hand before spanking us and saying in a chipper tone, "Mr. Spanky Hand is coming!" I can't even watch the Addam's Family. If you sit next to me with your hand on the table, then start running it toward me, I will probably scream and stab or smash it. You've been warned.

#5:




Midgets. That's right, folks. The wee ones scare me to pieces. I suppose this is all the fault of Vaughan the Evil Midget, an acquaintance from elementary and high school. Once at the mall, I decided I should try to get over my fear of the nasty midgets, so I found one and walked very closely behind her for a little while. I kept trying to get myself to go closer and closer. The problem was, she was taking only the shortest little steps, and I started moving my legs only from the knees down. Soon I fell over, and she turned around to help me up, and extended her midget hand, and I just screamed and scrabbled away as fast as I could go without looking back. Shudder.

#6:




Okay, this is the hardest one for me to do. Spiders. I HATE them. I am so very very afraid of them. Man, this kills me. I almost threw up just then. Even sitting here just thinking about them, I keep hitting my leg every time there's an itch and being very afraid. Okay, breathe. Once, when I was little, a spider had somehow placed its egg sac on the head of my toothbrush. I didn't notice until I had the toothbrush in my hand and literally hundreds of baby spiders running down my forearm. I couldn't seem to get them all off. Oh, man, I hate reliving this. I think I've been scaredy for long enough today. Freaking spider-like itches.

Until next time, Scaredy Smurf

The Archives are Back!!!!!!

While I don't have much time to write anything here, I thought I'd just post some of my favorites of my answers from my stint on the Hundred Hour Board, in case I ever get locked out again. Read them is you will. Here goes:

QDear 100 Hour Board,

If the animals from South America had a "rumble" with the animals from Africa... which group of animals would win, and why?
- Betting on the piranhas' team

ADear Bettin',

South America. They've got Hungry hungry hippos. (I think). Actually, maybe that's Africa.... Hmmm. Well, either way, I'm putting my money on the Hippos. On a side note, I've seen bacteria and microscopic worms from South America that've sent people to their death beds. If their single cell organisms can do that, just imagine what an entire herd of hippos could do. On a second, and final side note (everyone breathes a sigh of relief), I have no idea why the sudden fixation with hippos. I mean really, could an animal be less intimidating? Oh well. That's my answer, and I'm sticking to it.

-Thor

ADear Better,

I say let's break this down. We'll pit South American animals against their nearest African counterparts. South America will appear first in each match so you can tell which side they're representing.

The llama vs. the camel: The camel totally wins this one. It can pack a lot more, and it's bigger and faster and smarter. The llama might have an easier time getting into Heaven, though.

The jaguar vs. the lion: Africa wins again. The lion is king of the jungle, even though it lives primarily in the pride lands. Jaguars actually live in the jungle, but they're not even like dukes or anything.

The capybara vs. the hippopotamus (which is actually from Africa, Thor): Hmm, the world's largest rodent vs. a relative of the pig that can.... Well, just look at this article:
A French zoo director was crushed to death on 1 November by a hippopotamus in a rut. Jean Ducuing was cycling around the park in Pessac, near Bordeaux, when Komir, a seven-year-old male hippo, charged through an electrified fence after an employee driving a tractor stopped to distribute food. M Ducing, aged in his 60s, had trained Komir. Posters for the zoo feature a picture of Komir with M Ducing's head in his mouth. AFP - 2 November; International Herald tribune - 3 November
Or this one (my new favorite thing ever, though very sad if I stop to think about it), attributed to the Melbourn Herald Sun, July 16, 1999:“A dwarf nicknamed Od has died in a circus accident in northern Thailand. According to the Pattaya Mail, he 'bounced sideways from a trampoline and was swallowed by a yawning hippopotamus' which was waiting to appear in the next act. Vets on the scene said Hilda the Hippo 'had a gag reflex that automatically caused her to swallow.' The vet said it was the first time the hefty vegetarian had ever eaten a circus performer. Unfortunately, the 1,000-plus spectators continued to applaud widely until common-sense dictated that there had been a tragic mistake.”

The caiman vs. the crocodile: Well, you never heard the prophet warn against spiritual caimans, did you?

The howler monkey vs. the gorilla: One keeps you up all night. The other DESTROYS you. In sign language.

The piranha vs. the African lungfish: This is a draw. The piranha would win in an all-out fight, but if the Amazon ever dried up, the lungfish would win. And when the rainy season began again, he'd crawl out of the muck and be all, “Boo-yeah” to the dried up corpse of the piranha.

The tapir vs. the elephant: They both have flexible snouts, but one weighs 10,000 pounds. And it's not the tapir.

The great anteater vs. the aardvark: Ok, the great anteater takes this one, just for being great. But wait, here comes the other half of the aardvark's tag team: the pangolin! And the pangolin wins just for being the only mammal with scales, and for being able to roll up into a defensive ball!

The spider monkey vs. the chimpanzee: The chimp can use tools, and is the primate closest in its genetic makeup to man (after woman). Plus, it's up to five times stronger than man. I'm actually kinda scared of them myself.

The rhea vs. the ostrich: The ostrich is way more ginormous than the rhea. Plus, its eggs are extremely more valuable. The ostrich could just sell some of its precious eggs and go buy some wicked awesome artillery with the money. As the ostrich roasts the rhea with his sweet flame-thrower, he says in his best Schwarzenegger voice, “you were born a rhea; now you're gonna die a rhea!”

The puma vs. the fossa (Madagascar is technically part of Africa, I think): The fossa jumps about in the trees like it's nothing. I bet they'd eat a puma for lunch. And wash him down with a panther or cougar or something.

The tarantula vs. those scary African sand crabs from “Winged Migration”: They both eat birds. They both give me nightmares. I'd say the tarantula is more poisonous, plus he can blind the crab by flinging spiky hairs off his back with his hind legs, and then maybe the stupid crab will try to rub his eyes and stab them out with those nasty horrifying pinchers.

The mosquito vs. the tsetse fly: Tsetse sounds pretty bad, but I think Malaria is worse. Gotta go with the Mosquito.

The peccary vs. the warthog: They seem like the same animal to me. But the peccary is uglier, and so maybe the warthog would run away or something.

The cavy vs. the meerkat: The meerkat has a better problem-free philosophy, and is much more intelligent-looking than the cavy, which is really just a South American version of a Guinea Pig.

The poison dart frog vs. the killer bee: The froggy here has more poison in him. It takes a whole posse of bees to kill a man, but only the poison from one frog. True, the bee can fly away, but I bet the frog will use his elastic tongue to catch him back anyway and give him a scolding or thrashing!

The sloth vs. anything, pretty much. I hate the sloth. It's the worst animal. And don't go saying it's a special creation of God. 'Cause then why is it one of the cardinal sins? The thing is so slow, algae grows on it, giving it its grimy green fur. And its fingernails give me the heebie-jeebies like none other. Worst animal ever! But let's just pair him off with, say, the cheetah, just for the fun of it. I think I can say, "enough said." And I think I can say it several times.

The guanaco vs. the giraffe: Ok, so let's say all of a sudden I'm a giraffe. And let's say I have to fight this stupid woolly alpaca thing, and I'm realizing, neither of us has any claws or horns or weapons of any kind. But I can run fast. So what I do is I run around and eat all the leaves off the bottoms of the trees. Then when they're all gone, I can feast upon the upper leaves while guano boy dies of starvation. Hey, all's fair in love and war and fictional epic animal battles.

The burro vs. the zebra: If you look closely, you'll see that these are exactly the same animal. Except one's dressed nicer, so he'll do better in job interviews and things. Plus, the zebra knows how to work the crowd, and he has street smarts. You can either go with the zebra and his zany Fruit Stripe gum, or with the burro and his gloomy Colombia House coffee. Zebra, all the way.

The toucan vs. the hornbill: The hornbill could probably spear that fruity toucan and all three of his lame little nephews with that special spearing horn on his nose. “Just follow THIS, Sammy!”

The anaconda vs. the asp: One killed Cleopatra. The other tried to get Jennifer Lopez, but didn't quite make it. Still, though, for sheer girth, I'm going to give this one to the anaconda. The asp is deadly, but nobody ever made a movie (terrible or otherwise) about it.I think that's about it.

You can do with the wildebeest whatever you'd like. Maybe he's held in Africa's reserve as a secret weapon. After all, they killed Mufasa. Oh, and I was going to pair up the rhinoceros with the triceratops, but then I realized that's a dinosaur, not a South American animal. Still, I would pay good money to see that fight, man.

The final tally is South America 6 : Africa 16 (plus the wildebeest, and oh, yeah, the hyena! duh!). Africa wins, hands down. Glad you asked.

--Wild

QDear 100 Hour Board,

So I have noticed that there are quite a few people here on campus that are democrats. It suprised me when I found out that there is actually a democrat club on campus. So here is my quesion. I don't want to start a political debate, i just want to see this from a church democrats point of view. The church is against abortion, and also against homosexuality. They strongly take their stance in those positions. But the political democrat side is pro abortion and wants more rights for homosexuals. So how does someone who is a church member that is a democrat justify the differences between their political beliefs and church beliefs? I just don't understand how someone could hear a general authority talk about how bad homosexuality is, and then go vote for someone that contridicts that.

- Political Wonderer

ADear Political Wonderer,

That's a valid question. I am not a Democrat, but I dated one seriously for a while, and so I understand a lot of their views that are misconstrued by others. There are several points to consider here.

First, there is no "Gospel Party" or "Mormon Party." Every party out there has policies that in some way conflict with someone's take on the gospel. The Democratic Party's line is one of "pro-Choice" (to use their own term for it), and they are interested in protecting the rights of gay (again, their word, not mine) Americans. These are positions that at first glance seem contrary to the gospel. They may indeed be, but in a moment I'll show you where a lot of this thinking comes from.

The question with homosexuality for a Mormon Democrat is not whether those practices are wrong (we all agree that they are), but whether the government should step in and legislate about it, and whether the people are being protected from discrimination. And don't try to say right away that they shouldn't. I'm pretty far to the right (maybe not quite as much as the Captain), and even I can see that discrimination in one area of a person's life based on a private area is wrong. The gospel stance on how we treat people with same-sex attraction is that we "love the sinner." That does not include preventing them from having certain jobs, nor harming them in any way. Many people will throw out the JST of Matthew 18:9 and say that we are to remove our offending brethren. These scriptures (in my opinion) are evidently about people who are abusive, particularly toward children (as evidences by the context of the chapter). Here is a long passage from Elder Dallin H. Oaks' talk entitled "Same Gender Attraction":

"In a conference address on this same subject, President Gordon B. Hinckley said: 'I desire now to say with emphasis that our concern for the bitter fruit of sin is coupled with Christlike sympathy for its victims, innocent or culpable. We advocate the example of the Lord, who condemned the sin, yet loved the sinner. We should reach out with kindness and comfort to the afflicted, ministering to their needs and assisting them with their problems.'

"Despite such invitations and assurances, the Church and its members continue to experience misunderstandings about our positions on these matters. Last fall in an interview with a television reporter, one of our Church officials was asked, 'What is being done in the Church to try to stop the atmosphere of hate towards homosexuals?' Nine years ago, during a television interview on this subject, I was questioned about reports that the Church taught or implied 'that these people are somehow pariahs … and these people hate themselves and that this is an attitude brought forth by the Church.'

"More significantly, we also receive such questions from faithful members. A recent letter is illustrative:"

'Another concern we have is the way in which our sons and daughters are classified as people who practice deviant and lascivious behavior. Perhaps some do, but most do not. These young men and women want only to survive, have a spiritual life, and stay close to their families and the Church. It is especially damaging when these negative references are spoken from the pulpit. We believe such talks only create more depression and a tremendous amount of guilt, shame, and lack of self-worth, which they have endured throughout their entire lives. There is sometimes a real lack of the pure love of Christ expressed to help them through their ordeals. We will all appreciate anything you can do to help with the plight of these much misunderstood children of our Father in Heaven. If some of the General Authorities could express more sensitivity to this problem, it would surely help to avoid suicides and schisms that are caused within families. Many simply cannot tolerate the fact that Church members judge them as "evil people," and they, therefore, find solace in gay-oriented lifestyles.'

"These communications surely show the need for improvement in our communications with brothers and sisters who are struggling with problems—all types of problems. Each member of Christ’s church has a clear-cut doctrinal responsibility to show forth love and to extend help and understanding. Sinners, as well as those who are struggling to resist inappropriate feelings, are not people to be cast out but people to be loved and helped (see 3 Ne. 18:22-23, 30, 32). At the same time, Church leaders and members cannot avoid their responsibility to teach correct principles and righteous behavior (on all subjects), even if this causes discomfort to some.

"Church leaders are sometimes asked whether there is any place in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints for persons with homosexual or lesbian susceptibilities or feelings. Of course there is. The degree of difficulty and the pattern necessary to forgo behavior and to control thoughts will be different with different individuals, but the message of hope and the hand of fellowship offered by the Church is the same for all who strive.

"I tried to describe the crucial distinctions in my answer to the television reporter who implied that the Church taught that 'these people are somehow pariahs.' I said:

"'The person that’s working [to resist] those tendencies ought not to feel himself to be a pariah. Now, quite a different thing is sexual relations outside of marriage. A person engaging in that kind of behavior should well feel guilt. They should well feel themselves estranged from God, who has given commandments against that kind of behavior. It’s not surprising to me that they would feel estranged from their church. What surprises me is that they would feel that the Church can revoke God’s commandments. … To the woman taken in adultery (which is a pretty good precedent for us), … [the Savior] was merciful and loving … , but he said, ‘Go thy way and sin no more.’ He loved the sinner; he condemned the sin. I think the Church does the same thing, imperfectly perhaps, but that’s what we teach our members: love the sinner, condemn the sin."

The most faithful Democratic Mormon is not trying to say that the church (ie. God) needs to change its stance on homosexuality. That person is often trying to say that the church (ie. the members) does. My aforementioned ex-girlfriend, by the way, participated in the Oakland, CA (or was it San Jose?) chapter of MESJ (pronounced "Message," though I was always telling her she should move to have the pronunciation officially changed to "Massage"), and she told me that the issue of same-sex attraction actually came up in a meeting, but the group decided not to touch that issue because it was one on which the various members of the group were split.

That's probably enough on that matter. On to the abortion issue: I am definitely not qualified to speak on this issue, but it has been my experience that most Mormon Democrats (hereafter referred to as Mormocrats for the sake of convenience and humor) are decidedly anti-abortion. This does not mean, however, that they necessarily are in favor of laws that prohibit abortion.

Now, obviously abortion is a vile and disgusting commission of the worst possible of acts against the (arguably) most innocent of victims. Before I go any further with this, let me reiterate that I am merely trying to defend the opinions of others, and I do not herein claim to maintain these positions in my own personal politics, so please do not yell at me. Anyway, the real issue that lies at the center of this matter is not whether a certain thing is against the commandments of the gospel, but whether it's the government's responsibility to step in. This can be seen as a matter of agency.

I've heard two theories about Satan's plan. We'll call them theory "L" and theory "R" (which stand for "left" and "right," in case you missed it). Theory "L" is that Satan was trying to force everyone to be righteous. An obvious way we could combat such a move from Satan would be to only worry about our own righteousness, and let others decide for themselves. Theory "R" is that Satan would make sure everyone was righteous by taking away the consequences of sin. This is the sort of thing you hear about from liberals--the idea that crime can be reduced by legalizing marijuana, for example. That may be an effective way to prevent crime, but it is not an effective way to prevent people from smoking marijuana. This is the same issue for many Mormocrats. They understand that abortion is against the commandments. They often just don't think that it should be against the law, as that limits a person's agency. Another argument they'll use is that during times when abortion was illegal, abortions still happened, but in unsafe conditions by people who were not doctors, thus putting the mother's life in danger as well. Those babies were not saved, and in those cases the mothers were often lost, too.

For the final thread in the tapestry of this answer, we'll have to assume (merely for the sake of illustration) that you're a Republican (which I also am not). To turn your questions around on you, the political Republican side is pro-tobacco and seems to largely ignore the commandments we've been given along with our responsiblity as stewards of the earth (see Doctrine and Covenants 59:18-20. Then think about McDonald's and Walmart and the effect these uber-corporations have on the land and its resources). So how does someone who is a church member that is a Republican justify the differences between their political beliefs and church beliefs? I think the answer to that question is the same as the answer to yours.

The Democratic Party does a seemingly better job that the Republican Party of a) keeping the commandments about caring for the poor, b) preaching the equality spoken of in Mosiah 27:3, and c) renouncing war (Doctrine and Covenants 98:16), as well as other matters that have been mentioned already, or that can be found by checking out http://www.gomakecontact.com/mesj/about-us/mission.html. I am going to send a copy of this to their contact e-mail to see if they feel it does the issue justice.

And that's all I have to say about that. Wow. Sorry I got carried away.

--Soapbox of Lies

CDear 100 Hour Board,

Sorry Uffish, I do have gmail otherwise I would thank you directly. You still rock though, and so does Skippy. Oh, and now BHM rocks too. Whoever BHM is. Anyone who likes granola people rocks.

- kesstacular

ADear bunnicula,

I like people granola. Do I rock?

--A cannibal

QDear 100 Hour Board,

I caught this Preying Mantis today and as it walked it would take a few steps, snatch at the air, and hop 3 inches. Take a few steps snatch at the air, hop forward three inches... So I put in a tree and it sort of continued in this pattern--climbing a bit and reaching out for leaves, etc. So I'm wondering exactly how much of a preying mantis' brain is instinct and how much is intellect. Preying manti are cool!

- Deb Robbins

ADear Deb,

Well, insects are strange things. The best argument I found on the instinct vs. intellect thing was actually on some Islaamic studies website. Check out the idea: colonies of ants and bees have an advanced society with complex inner workings that we humans could never hope to achieve. However, those communities are probably exactly like communities of ants from thousands of years ago. Humans, on the other hand, have had various ages (e.g. The Bronze Age or the Nuclear Age). We advance ourselves, and that sets us apart from the insects. Yes, maybe they have fascinating systems, but there's never a time when an insct says to itself, "Hey! I have a better idea on how to do this stuff." According to most modern scientists, insects are creatures of instinct, and not intellect. They're still cool, though. Have you noticed that mantises look a lot like aliens?

Oh, and Brainy Smurf wanted me to mention one more thing. "Mantis" comes from the Greek word for prophet or diviner. Greek suffixes seem to confuse people when it comes to pluralization. So here are some basic rules and then some examples of times when they're commonly misused: If a word from the Greek ends in "us," it is changed to an "i" to make it plural. If it ends in "is," it changes to "es." If it ends in "um," it changes to "a." Examples: axis=axes, focus=foci, agendum=agenda. Got it? Now the proper pluralization of mantis is "mantises," or if you want to sound cool and educated (which you obviously do), "mantes" (pronounced MAN-teez). You can indeed use the "i" at the end of cacti and octupi. "cactuses," "cactus," and "octopuses" are all correct alternative plural spellings of those words, too. Note that those words both have Greek roots. Walrus, which comes from Scandanavian roots, is not ever correctly rendered "walri." Use "walrus" or "walruses" instead.

--Wild

QDear 100 Hour Board,

What do you think about Descartes message, "I think therefore I am"? Do you think that he knew who he was before he said this or do you think that he thinks? Speaking of thinking, what do you think about the Thinker? Do you think the guy that posed for that got tired? Because, hello, I mean wouldn't you? And Tom Selleck in those 80's shorts and I love the Island Hopper uniforms. Love Yourself!
- Love me like you love Cows

ADear Love you from a distance,

We do appreciate when you split up unrelated questions into separate posts."Cogito ergo sum" is a great philosophy in my opinion. I have many wannabe friends who say things just to sound all nihilistic and ethereal. So the whole Descartes thing comes in handy when they say stuff like, "How do we even know if any of us exists (well, they say "exist," but I can't bring myself to consciously type bad grammar)?" To me, "I think, therefore I am" is the perfect counter to this. Obviously you exist if you're able to wonder if you do. Something is doing the wondering. The Thinker always makes me think of Dobie Gillis. I think that would be a cool name for a kid, but I bet everyone would think I got it from "Dobby" (a.k.a. Wannabe Gollum) of Harry Potter fame. The Thinker, though, is pretty neat. Statues can tell us a lot about ancient cultures. The Thinker tells me that back in the day before T.V. Guide or Uncle John's bathroom reader, they used to just sit there and think. What a neat concept! I don't think anyone had to pose for too long. The rest of your question doesn't really seem to be a question, so I'm not going to touch it.

--Brainy

QDear 100 Hour Board,

It seems the new athletic building has come complete with it’s own strawberry patch. Are there any policies (rules) on (against) students (me) picking (eating) the berries? Are there any other edible fruits growing on campus?

Many thanks,

A hungry student

ADear (esteemed) hungry (homeless) student (drifter),

The school (university) doesn't (does not) have (maintain) any policy (rule) against (precluding) the consumption (and subsequent digestion) of the strawberries (which are not actually berries). Students (you) can (may) eat (devour) the strawberries (not berries), but take heed (precaution): Physical Facilities (the Grounds crew) sprays (drenches) the soil (glorified word for dirt) with pesticides and herbicides (various poisons). Eat (ingest) them (the strawberries) if you (hungry student) will (want), but wash (rinse) them (the strawberries) before (prior to) doing so (eating them [the strawberries]). Thanks (grammercy) to Valerie (that's her real name) in the Physical Facilities (grounds) office (place of work).

--Greedy (covetous)

p.s. (postscript) You (hungry student) had better (should) get there (arrive) before (prior to) I (Greedy Smurf) do (get there).

And don't ever write like that again (please).

CDear S.K.,

i have seen the modern-day prophet playing cards at macey's by the checkout counters. however, i haven't been there in a while, so no guarantees.-

peanut

ADear all,Oh boy! It's punctuation time! Today's lesson: the hyphen (I promise I'm not making fun, but I thought this sentence was too funny to pass up).

We use a hyphen to connect an adjective to a noun when they're both being used to describe a noun. For example, when describing the prophet (noun), we call him "modern-day." The adjective "modern" is linked by a hyphen to the noun "day."

We don't do the same thing when the noun comes first. For example, we say "brick red house." To descibe a house that is the color of bricks. No hyphen. If we want to describe a house made of red bricks, though, we would call it a "red-brick" house. Or if we want to describe a red house made of bricks (maybe brown bricks painted red?) we would say "red brick house," since the red and brick aren't connected.

We hyphenate two nouns, as well, when they are describing another noun. Thus, "He has a dog-day mentality," or "That's a nice ice-cream-man mustache."

The reason I bring this up here is because this sentence is missing a hyphen, so it's saying something Peanut probably never intended. See? Peanut saw the modern-day prophet playing cards at Macey's. "Modern-day" is describing "prophet," whereas "modern-day-prophet" should be describing cards. It just makes it sound like Peanut saw President Hinckley playing poker at Macey's. Funny, huh? Oh, nevermind. I think I'm probably alone on this one....

--Brainy

QDear 100 Hour Board,

What do you do if someone threatens to scare you so badly you'll wet yourself? Is there any way to prepare yourself other then going to the bathroom previous to the time when you think you'll be scared?

- Wetless and Waiting

ADear waiting,

Depends.

--Jokey

QDear 100 Hour Board,

Why do they say that it is not a good idea to eat "jack" rabbits when hunting? In other words, cottontail rabbits are considered okay to eat but the "jack" aren't. What's the deal? Can I eat one? What might happen?

Curious

ADear Curious,

Jack rabbits are actually hares. There is a high level of superstition surrounding hares. It has been believed that witches transmogrify themselves into hares. Hares also have longer legs and tend to run faster (70 km/hr!) and be more active, so the meat is tougher and stringier. Stick to rabbits if you must eat a lagomorph.

--Wild

ADear Curious,

Hunters aren't the only ones who don't eat hares. Have you ever gotten a hare in your soup? What do you do? You send it back.

--Jokey

QDear 100 Hour Board,

Why do the word spelled B-R-E-A-K and the word spelled S-P-E-A-K not rhyme?

--Kitty the Badger

ADear Kitty the Badger,

I hope this post isn't lost on you. It's been seen that our language can be tough to sort through, though. I'm in danger of anger when I wonder or ponder about how easily "laughter" becomes "slaughter." So, do not despair when the good food of language is full of worms, or storms of linguistic trickery blow (and how!); keep in mind that the wind and rain go away, and again you'll feast on breast of beast that's better (but close) to those whose descriptions you'll ever read (or have read). My point is this: we English speakers are rule-breakers, and have come home to an accord about how a word is said, so "plaid" and "raid" are friends (not fiends) and you can bear to hear that there's no thought of a drought, that we're far from war and from harm and we're warm, and that "worm" is the norm.

--Poet (with help from his imaginary fiends, Darren and Warren)

Well, I haven't even delved into the confessor's stuff. I just searched for brainy, jokey, and poet so far. I'm sure I'll have plenty more that I want to keep for posterity's sake. Thanks for indulging me.

I want my 99 cents back

What the?

Cheekers' suicide

Tough Decision

Bad day to be a camera man.

A glass menagerie