One of the eskimos at work has to write a list of everything that pisses her off. I told her I'd do the same, so here goes, in no particular order:
1. Ann Coulter
2. People throwing snowballs at me
3. Holland America cruiselines
4. Deaf culture
5. That particular aspect of Mormon culture that leads us to believe that men are responsible for women's righteousness
6. cops
7. dollar coins
8. cheating in board games
9. uses different parts of speech in a list
10. pregnant women drinking
11. racism (when you're not joking)
12. potato bugs (the Jerusalem Cricket)
Well, that's about it. I guess I'm not a very angry person. At least not compared to the girls at work. Oh, speaking of which,
13. getting kicked in the nuts by a stupid angry girl right before she rips my shirt.
Showing posts with label lists. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lists. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
Monday, December 31, 2007
My Year in a Nut's Hell
2007 began for me with an ethereal stop into a cozy English pub to ask for directions. It was called The Pelican Inn, and everyone inside was really drunk and really British and slightly helpful. Eventually we gave up on our destination, as the roads were all washed out. But Evan and I couldn't help but shake the feeling that if we went back looking for The Pelican Inn in the daytime instead of on a spooky, foggy morning on New Year's Day, it just wouldn't be there. Especially because we weren't even in England. We were in the woods in Sausalito, CA. That's kind of how I feel about this whole year. In ten years when I look back, I don't know what I'll have filed away in my brain for 2007. So here's my attempt to cement proof I even did this year before it vanishes into the mist.
So. By the holiday.
New Years was spent camping in the Redwoods, my favorite place on earth, with Evan, Justin, and Wiggle. It rained the whole time and was freezing and beautiful.
On Valentine's Day I took the girl I've loved for years to dinner. She told me I "get" her. Then she told me about this other guy, and when it comes to who actually gets her, it's him. I don't get it.
Saint Patrick's Day was spent at Los Hermanos, peddling yucky "Mexican"food to a bunch of grouchy old Mormons who don't believe in tipping or wearing green.
On Easter I bore my testimony in church.
Mother's Day was spent getting ready to go camping and to Disneyland with my mom and step-dad and 5-year-old sister.
My Father's-Day phone call was cut short because dad was at work at Home Depot, and I was at in my apartment in a scary Eskimo ghetto.
Independence Day was a let-down, since it doesn't ever get dark enough for fireworks in Fairbanks, AK in July, and I ended up on a plane most of the day anyway. The company barbecue consisted of hot dogs, to which I'm allergic, so we went and ate pizza in a bar.
Pioneer Day started out on a plane as well, on the way back after giving up on that horrible job. We opted out on fireworks and went to see Hairspray with Caitie and her mom. It was wonderful, and we saw fireworks from the freeway on the way home anyway.
Halloween was spent at my new job at a school for euphemismed girls. I didn't get to dress up as Urkel, as I had planned.
Thanksgiving was also my birthday, and I had to work, but my friends did Thanksgiving dinner with me at Tara's house before I had to go to work. Wills made a Turkey, and Evan dressed up in full pilgrim regalia for the occasion. Jordan lured me unwitting into a reenactment of the first Thanksgiving by stealing the food off my plate, even though I was the one who cooked it. The when I stabbed him with my silverware in an attempt to steal it back, he made me sit in the corner, which was referred to as "Oklahoma." That night the girl I took out on Valentine's Day told me she was still interested in me and was considering leaving her boyfriend for me.
I got to play Santa for Maggie, since she and Rusty and the folks were in town again for Christmas. Then off to a 14-hour shift at work, during which that same girl let me know that she had chosen to stay with the other guy. Bummer.
Most of the big events in my life fall on holidays. But lots of other stuff happens, too.
2007 was the year that:
My dad's second divorce was finalized. He celebrated by going out with his new ex (Darla II: The Meltdown, as opposed to the woman he left mom for, who was named Darla I: A New Hope) and getting drunk or worse and not showing up to Home Depot for over a week. He lost his job and his apartment and now lives with a maid named Rosa, we believe. He's gone dark ever since he was supposed to show up at the rehab center in Healdsberg where he was during my mission.
I learned a traditional Eskimo greeting: "Hey! Can I have two dollars?" I would fend off the throng of Eskimo beggars by beating them to the punch and asking them for two dollars before they had a chance to ask me.
I bought the most expensive thing I've ever owned: a Nikon D40 camera for $650 in Alaska. That's more than my computer ($300 including the scanner/printer) and my car (another $300) combined. Got some great pictures with the camera, and I have them all backed up on the computer now.
Our house was broken into and burgled. Burglarized. Whatever. I just know it wasn't "robbed" because the biotch ladycop on the phone gave me such a hard time about reporting the wrong crime. Anyway, someone took all of our stuff out of the house last week while we were all asleep. The take: Jordan's iPod, Aarons record player, speakers, and record collection, the apartment DVD player, and my Nikon D40 camera and my computer. Bummer. The cops only dust for fingerprints if there has been a homicide, apparently, which begs the question, "who do I have to kill to get the police to do their job around here?" I had even dusted everything the morning previous. Oh well, when did the police ever help anybody?
Also my car broke down. Been getting rides from some great friends, including Ryan and Evan, foremost.
I came up with a surefire new weight-loss method: poop more. An easy way to ensure it works is to get food poisoning by eating a chicken burrito at Beto's at 2:00 a.m.
I got all enrolled for school and will soon be taking classes at UVSC,which will soon be UVU, and hopefully will soon have a film program. For now I'm a Behavioral Science Major.
I finally got my Utah driver license and registered to vote as a Republican. Glade says that makes me an official Utahn now. Before you get your hopes up, Mom, I just registered as a republican to help swing the primaries in favor of Ron Paul. A little party crashing, if you will. Soon as March rolls around, I'm back out.
Evan and the gang and I finished our film, Lords a-Larping. Episodes two and three are slightly stalled in the works, but will come eventually, have no fear.
I was invited to be in the musical program, Joseph Smith: The Prophet. We recorded a DVD and a CD. Wonderful testimony builder, that.
I watched my two best friends as one started to drift away from the church and the other started swimming toward it. I love those guys.
I went to see Wicked in L.A. with Evan, Ronnie, and Sheri, and fell in love all over again with the ocean. I also went to Vegas with Glade and Evan, and again with Evan and Tara.
I was called as FHE committee chair in my ward, which is the second time I've had that calling in this ward. Also I don't like it, but whatever.
I've started to actually enjoy reading the Book of Mormon. Weird.
I've also started receiving notices about my ten year class reunion this May, which has me a bit freaked out. I need to hurry and do something with my life.
Anyway, that's my life this year. Obviously, other stuff happened, but that's what I'm going to look back and remember. Some happy, some sad. Mostly anti-climactic, I feel. Lots of build-up to something awful. Lots of fizzling out. But I also feel fresh hope on the horizon, like the first spring breeze. I'm happy, healthy, and I feel an energy I have missed for a while now. Things are going to move forward, whichever way that is from here.
Finally, a more philosophical note. Sometimes in this life, we are carried along. Sometimes we are led. Other times we are given directions, and have to walk about on our own. And sometimes we're merely released into the wild, to see which way we'll go. Our path is tortuous, and is meant to be. Usually, as we're coming around a bend, we make the mistake of thinking that in the direction in which we're currently headed lies our final destination. "That's where I'm headed," we think, "and so it must be where I'll end up." But the twists and turns are leading us somewhere unexpected. Coming up over a hill usually reveals only more hills. If your final destination were whatever you could see from here, you might as well stop right now, because that hill and this don't really differ so much. But we move forward based on the faith that beyond all the hills there is a beautiful blue lagoon, people waiting to greet us with drinks in hand, a peaceful end to the journey. So for now we trudge along and find beauty in what we have. We know that just because the road bends south toward the barren dessert, or north toward the frozen forest, it doesn't mean that that's where we're going to end our journey. Unless we stop walking halfway through....
If you zoom out far enough from the rainbow, you might see that it's just a sheen of oil leaking from under your broken-down '93 Ford Tempo, into a mucky puddle of stagnant water that has been ever growing these last six weeks of relentless dismal rain. That's when you squint your eyes and just look at the rainbow, and give thanks to God that He showed you this infinitesimal beauty in the midst of a vastly grey and dreary world.
So. By the holiday.
New Years was spent camping in the Redwoods, my favorite place on earth, with Evan, Justin, and Wiggle. It rained the whole time and was freezing and beautiful.
On Valentine's Day I took the girl I've loved for years to dinner. She told me I "get" her. Then she told me about this other guy, and when it comes to who actually gets her, it's him. I don't get it.
Saint Patrick's Day was spent at Los Hermanos, peddling yucky "Mexican"food to a bunch of grouchy old Mormons who don't believe in tipping or wearing green.
On Easter I bore my testimony in church.
Mother's Day was spent getting ready to go camping and to Disneyland with my mom and step-dad and 5-year-old sister.
My Father's-Day phone call was cut short because dad was at work at Home Depot, and I was at in my apartment in a scary Eskimo ghetto.
Independence Day was a let-down, since it doesn't ever get dark enough for fireworks in Fairbanks, AK in July, and I ended up on a plane most of the day anyway. The company barbecue consisted of hot dogs, to which I'm allergic, so we went and ate pizza in a bar.
Pioneer Day started out on a plane as well, on the way back after giving up on that horrible job. We opted out on fireworks and went to see Hairspray with Caitie and her mom. It was wonderful, and we saw fireworks from the freeway on the way home anyway.
Halloween was spent at my new job at a school for euphemismed girls. I didn't get to dress up as Urkel, as I had planned.
Thanksgiving was also my birthday, and I had to work, but my friends did Thanksgiving dinner with me at Tara's house before I had to go to work. Wills made a Turkey, and Evan dressed up in full pilgrim regalia for the occasion. Jordan lured me unwitting into a reenactment of the first Thanksgiving by stealing the food off my plate, even though I was the one who cooked it. The when I stabbed him with my silverware in an attempt to steal it back, he made me sit in the corner, which was referred to as "Oklahoma." That night the girl I took out on Valentine's Day told me she was still interested in me and was considering leaving her boyfriend for me.
I got to play Santa for Maggie, since she and Rusty and the folks were in town again for Christmas. Then off to a 14-hour shift at work, during which that same girl let me know that she had chosen to stay with the other guy. Bummer.
Most of the big events in my life fall on holidays. But lots of other stuff happens, too.
2007 was the year that:
My dad's second divorce was finalized. He celebrated by going out with his new ex (Darla II: The Meltdown, as opposed to the woman he left mom for, who was named Darla I: A New Hope) and getting drunk or worse and not showing up to Home Depot for over a week. He lost his job and his apartment and now lives with a maid named Rosa, we believe. He's gone dark ever since he was supposed to show up at the rehab center in Healdsberg where he was during my mission.
I learned a traditional Eskimo greeting: "Hey! Can I have two dollars?" I would fend off the throng of Eskimo beggars by beating them to the punch and asking them for two dollars before they had a chance to ask me.
I bought the most expensive thing I've ever owned: a Nikon D40 camera for $650 in Alaska. That's more than my computer ($300 including the scanner/printer) and my car (another $300) combined. Got some great pictures with the camera, and I have them all backed up on the computer now.
Our house was broken into and burgled. Burglarized. Whatever. I just know it wasn't "robbed" because the biotch ladycop on the phone gave me such a hard time about reporting the wrong crime. Anyway, someone took all of our stuff out of the house last week while we were all asleep. The take: Jordan's iPod, Aarons record player, speakers, and record collection, the apartment DVD player, and my Nikon D40 camera and my computer. Bummer. The cops only dust for fingerprints if there has been a homicide, apparently, which begs the question, "who do I have to kill to get the police to do their job around here?" I had even dusted everything the morning previous. Oh well, when did the police ever help anybody?
Also my car broke down. Been getting rides from some great friends, including Ryan and Evan, foremost.
I came up with a surefire new weight-loss method: poop more. An easy way to ensure it works is to get food poisoning by eating a chicken burrito at Beto's at 2:00 a.m.
I got all enrolled for school and will soon be taking classes at UVSC,which will soon be UVU, and hopefully will soon have a film program. For now I'm a Behavioral Science Major.
I finally got my Utah driver license and registered to vote as a Republican. Glade says that makes me an official Utahn now. Before you get your hopes up, Mom, I just registered as a republican to help swing the primaries in favor of Ron Paul. A little party crashing, if you will. Soon as March rolls around, I'm back out.
Evan and the gang and I finished our film, Lords a-Larping. Episodes two and three are slightly stalled in the works, but will come eventually, have no fear.
I was invited to be in the musical program, Joseph Smith: The Prophet. We recorded a DVD and a CD. Wonderful testimony builder, that.
I watched my two best friends as one started to drift away from the church and the other started swimming toward it. I love those guys.
I went to see Wicked in L.A. with Evan, Ronnie, and Sheri, and fell in love all over again with the ocean. I also went to Vegas with Glade and Evan, and again with Evan and Tara.
I was called as FHE committee chair in my ward, which is the second time I've had that calling in this ward. Also I don't like it, but whatever.
I've started to actually enjoy reading the Book of Mormon. Weird.
I've also started receiving notices about my ten year class reunion this May, which has me a bit freaked out. I need to hurry and do something with my life.
Anyway, that's my life this year. Obviously, other stuff happened, but that's what I'm going to look back and remember. Some happy, some sad. Mostly anti-climactic, I feel. Lots of build-up to something awful. Lots of fizzling out. But I also feel fresh hope on the horizon, like the first spring breeze. I'm happy, healthy, and I feel an energy I have missed for a while now. Things are going to move forward, whichever way that is from here.
Finally, a more philosophical note. Sometimes in this life, we are carried along. Sometimes we are led. Other times we are given directions, and have to walk about on our own. And sometimes we're merely released into the wild, to see which way we'll go. Our path is tortuous, and is meant to be. Usually, as we're coming around a bend, we make the mistake of thinking that in the direction in which we're currently headed lies our final destination. "That's where I'm headed," we think, "and so it must be where I'll end up." But the twists and turns are leading us somewhere unexpected. Coming up over a hill usually reveals only more hills. If your final destination were whatever you could see from here, you might as well stop right now, because that hill and this don't really differ so much. But we move forward based on the faith that beyond all the hills there is a beautiful blue lagoon, people waiting to greet us with drinks in hand, a peaceful end to the journey. So for now we trudge along and find beauty in what we have. We know that just because the road bends south toward the barren dessert, or north toward the frozen forest, it doesn't mean that that's where we're going to end our journey. Unless we stop walking halfway through....
If you zoom out far enough from the rainbow, you might see that it's just a sheen of oil leaking from under your broken-down '93 Ford Tempo, into a mucky puddle of stagnant water that has been ever growing these last six weeks of relentless dismal rain. That's when you squint your eyes and just look at the rainbow, and give thanks to God that He showed you this infinitesimal beauty in the midst of a vastly grey and dreary world.
Friday, November 23, 2007
Thankfulness III
Thanksgiving again, and here's my list:
Carrots (great in Jell-O)
My friends (including the best roommates a guy could ask for)
Costa Vida, Bajio, and Cafe Rio
An excellent job, doing things I love and actually care about
That I'm not as old as my family all thought I was this morning
Thanksgiving dinner with good people
That I punched a girl in the nose at work today, and totally got away with it.
That for the first time in my life, I have a car, a cell phone, a job, and a bank account all at once.
Beautiful sad music.
The stars, and that they shine here at any time of year.
Red maple trees.
My family, I guess, even after today's insult.
Communication
My mission
The ending of the harry potter series.
That it really hasn't snowed here yet.
Long-lost friends, found again
Utah (I never thought I'd say it either)
My ward. Seriously, I love those guys.
My computer and my mp3 player
Past parental indiscretions.
The movies, music, and games I got for Birthgiving (Gravy's term for half birthday half Thanksgiving)
Clouds
The mighty ocean
The fact that there are still so many wonderful things to discover.
Ron Paul
Antiseptics
My one dimple
The candle factory
As in years past, that I'm not an Eskimo (Though after having lived in Alaska, I really really mean it now).
Five-hour phone conversations in the middle of the night.
Bees.
That I'll be starting school again in January.
Our movie we made, and everyone in it, and that the sequel will be done before too long.
The Holy Ghost.
My kind and off-beat bishop.
Tobler chocolate oranges.
IHOP and my favorite waiter
That I'm not a woman.
This whole amazing life.
I'm filled with a lot of love tonight. I'll see you.
--Robbie
Carrots (great in Jell-O)
My friends (including the best roommates a guy could ask for)
Costa Vida, Bajio, and Cafe Rio
An excellent job, doing things I love and actually care about
That I'm not as old as my family all thought I was this morning
Thanksgiving dinner with good people
That I punched a girl in the nose at work today, and totally got away with it.
That for the first time in my life, I have a car, a cell phone, a job, and a bank account all at once.
Beautiful sad music.
The stars, and that they shine here at any time of year.
Red maple trees.
My family, I guess, even after today's insult.
Communication
My mission
The ending of the harry potter series.
That it really hasn't snowed here yet.
Long-lost friends, found again
Utah (I never thought I'd say it either)
My ward. Seriously, I love those guys.
My computer and my mp3 player
Past parental indiscretions.
The movies, music, and games I got for Birthgiving (Gravy's term for half birthday half Thanksgiving)
Clouds
The mighty ocean
The fact that there are still so many wonderful things to discover.
Ron Paul
Antiseptics
My one dimple
The candle factory
As in years past, that I'm not an Eskimo (Though after having lived in Alaska, I really really mean it now).
Five-hour phone conversations in the middle of the night.
Bees.
That I'll be starting school again in January.
Our movie we made, and everyone in it, and that the sequel will be done before too long.
The Holy Ghost.
My kind and off-beat bishop.
Tobler chocolate oranges.
IHOP and my favorite waiter
That I'm not a woman.
This whole amazing life.
I'm filled with a lot of love tonight. I'll see you.
--Robbie
Monday, November 19, 2007
America's Hundred Wost:
So while I was digging through my blog archives searching for the Thankfulness lists I'll be using when I post on my birthday, I came across the list I did entitled "America's 100 Best." I had a lot of fun listing my favorite two things from each of a hundred different categories I made up out of my mind. I liked it so much, I decided to make that list's antithesis. I now give you "America's Hundred Worst:"
1: Classical Composer: Debussy (Chopin)
2: Muppet: Elmo (Wayne)
3: Game Show: Who Wants to Be a Millionaire (The Price is Right)
4: Vegetable: Capers (green beans)
5: Candy Bar: Take 5 (PB Maxx)
6: Sitcom: Everybody Loves Raymond (Wings)
7: Movie: Master of Disguise (The Miracle of Birth)
8: Food: Capers (lasagna)
9: Superhero: Spawn (Blade)
10: Number: 5,280 (pi)
11: Color: Grey (puce)
12: Foreign Country: The Philippines (Georgia)
13: Band: The All-American Rejects (Boy Meets Girl)
14: Smurf: Smurfette (Vanity)
15: Burger: Sonic (Wendy's)
16: Magazine: Maxim (The Watchtower)
17: Book: Haunted (Fascinating Womanhood)
18: Asian: The bad guy on Season 2 of Prisonbreak (Imelda Marcos)
19: Crime: Child Molestation (Police brutality)
20: Season: Spring (Winter)
21: Elvis Song: Blue Christmas (Jailhouse Rock)
22: Musical Instrument: Bagpipes (Slide Whistle)
23: Insect: Potato Bug (W.A.S.P.)
24: Spice Girl: Sporty (Scary)
25: Provo Location: BRG (the mall)
26: Stephen King Novel: Delores Claiborne (Cujo)
27: Restaurant: Los Hermanos (Red Lobster)
28: Place: Hell (Salt lake City)
29: Gem: Citrine (Amethyst)
30: Famous Lesbian: Rosie O'Donnell (K.T. Lang)
31: Video Game: Golden Eye (The Sims)
32: Comic Strip: For Better or for Worse (Ally Oop)
33: Letter: U (Y)
34: Bird: Stellar Jay (Crow)
35: Natural Disaster: Blizzard (Avalanche)
36: Mouse: Ratatouille (The Country Mouse)
37: Disease: Alzheimer's (Progeria)
38: Political Party: Republicans (Constitution Party)
39: Painting: Anything abstract (Jesus at the Well of Bethesda)
40: American Novel: Haunted (The Andromeda Strain)
41: Musical: Cats (Grease)
42: Tree: Really, how can you hate a tree? (Ficus)
43: Baseball Team: Tigers (Yankees)
44: Ice Cream Flavor: Peppermint (Peanut Butter)
45: Landmark: The St. Louis Arch (Hole in the Rock)
46: Merit Badge: Citizenship in the Nation (Fingerprinting)
47: Language: ASL (French)
48: Dinosaur: Plesiosaur (Brontosaurus)
49: Disney Movie: Mulan (The Aristocats)
50: Spice: Anise (tarragon)
51: TV Show: The O'Reilly Factor (Teletubbies)
52: Pet: Tarantula (Cat)
53: Female Vocalist: Janis Joplin (The Dixie Chicks)
54: Continent: Antarctica (Asia)
55: Cereal: Meuslix (Peanut Butter Crunch)
56: Fast Food: Taco del Mar (Pita Pit)
57: Weather: Snow (Sleet)
58: Hair Care Product: Shampoo that burns you (Aquanet)
59: President: W (Nixon)
60: Dr. Seuss Book: Oh, the Thinks You Can Think! (The Cat in the Hat Comes Back)
61: Word: Potential (funner)
62: Sexual Position: Haha just kidding again (Congress of the Crow)
63: Old Person: Lorelle in Alaska (My maternal grandfather, who's dead)
64: Harry Potter Character: Fenrir Greyback (Grawp)
65: Weapon: Guns (the A bomb)
66: Thing to Eat: Poop (Razor Blades)
67: Classic Rock Band: Rolling Stones (Heart)
68: Animal: Spiders (naked mole rats)
69: Fruit: Pumpkin (Gooseberry)
70: SNL Alum: Chris Farley (Will Ferrell)
71: Root Beer: Barq's (Dad's)
72: Curse Word: C Word (SH Word)
73: Flower: Broccoli (Rose)
74: Sport: Basketball (Lacrosse)
75: Greek God: Ares (Iris)
76: Board Game: Monopoly (Yatzee)
77: Beatles Song: Paperback Writer (Imagine)
78: Hymn: Come All ye Sons of God (I am a Child of God)
79: Jelly Belly: Cappuccino (Licorice)
80: Punctuation Mark: Slash (Ampersand)
81: Bone: Patella (T-12)
82: Car: Hearst (Oscar Meyer Weinermobile)
83: Soup: Clam Chowder (Cream of Shrimp)
84: Black: Will Smiff (Anita Hill)
85: Cologne: Anything in a bottle shaped like a pheasant (Axe)
86: Comedic Movie: Master of Disguise (Jackass)
87: Card Game: Slapjack (Egyptian Rat Screw)
88: Job: Janitor (Assistant Crack Whore)
89: Category So Far: Tree (Bone)
90: Holiday: Take your Daughter to Work Day (Veteran's Day)
91: Marsupial: 'Possum (Wombat)
92: Organ: Rectum (Nose)
93: Football Player: Terrell Owens (Bo Jackson)
94: Jam: Apricot pineapple (Mint)
95: Appliance: Cuisinart (Toaster)
96: Fish: Moray Eel (Great White)
97: Meat: Fish (Pate)
98: Soda: Grape (Anything Chilean)
99: Tool: Bone saw (auger)
100: Actress: Angelina Jolie (Mary Tyler Moore)
1: Classical Composer: Debussy (Chopin)
2: Muppet: Elmo (Wayne)
3: Game Show: Who Wants to Be a Millionaire (The Price is Right)
4: Vegetable: Capers (green beans)
5: Candy Bar: Take 5 (PB Maxx)
6: Sitcom: Everybody Loves Raymond (Wings)
7: Movie: Master of Disguise (The Miracle of Birth)
8: Food: Capers (lasagna)
9: Superhero: Spawn (Blade)
10: Number: 5,280 (pi)
11: Color: Grey (puce)
12: Foreign Country: The Philippines (Georgia)
13: Band: The All-American Rejects (Boy Meets Girl)
14: Smurf: Smurfette (Vanity)
15: Burger: Sonic (Wendy's)
16: Magazine: Maxim (The Watchtower)
17: Book: Haunted (Fascinating Womanhood)
18: Asian: The bad guy on Season 2 of Prisonbreak (Imelda Marcos)
19: Crime: Child Molestation (Police brutality)
20: Season: Spring (Winter)
21: Elvis Song: Blue Christmas (Jailhouse Rock)
22: Musical Instrument: Bagpipes (Slide Whistle)
23: Insect: Potato Bug (W.A.S.P.)
24: Spice Girl: Sporty (Scary)
25: Provo Location: BRG (the mall)
26: Stephen King Novel: Delores Claiborne (Cujo)
27: Restaurant: Los Hermanos (Red Lobster)
28: Place: Hell (Salt lake City)
29: Gem: Citrine (Amethyst)
30: Famous Lesbian: Rosie O'Donnell (K.T. Lang)
31: Video Game: Golden Eye (The Sims)
32: Comic Strip: For Better or for Worse (Ally Oop)
33: Letter: U (Y)
34: Bird: Stellar Jay (Crow)
35: Natural Disaster: Blizzard (Avalanche)
36: Mouse: Ratatouille (The Country Mouse)
37: Disease: Alzheimer's (Progeria)
38: Political Party: Republicans (Constitution Party)
39: Painting: Anything abstract (Jesus at the Well of Bethesda)
40: American Novel: Haunted (The Andromeda Strain)
41: Musical: Cats (Grease)
42: Tree: Really, how can you hate a tree? (Ficus)
43: Baseball Team: Tigers (Yankees)
44: Ice Cream Flavor: Peppermint (Peanut Butter)
45: Landmark: The St. Louis Arch (Hole in the Rock)
46: Merit Badge: Citizenship in the Nation (Fingerprinting)
47: Language: ASL (French)
48: Dinosaur: Plesiosaur (Brontosaurus)
49: Disney Movie: Mulan (The Aristocats)
50: Spice: Anise (tarragon)
51: TV Show: The O'Reilly Factor (Teletubbies)
52: Pet: Tarantula (Cat)
53: Female Vocalist: Janis Joplin (The Dixie Chicks)
54: Continent: Antarctica (Asia)
55: Cereal: Meuslix (Peanut Butter Crunch)
56: Fast Food: Taco del Mar (Pita Pit)
57: Weather: Snow (Sleet)
58: Hair Care Product: Shampoo that burns you (Aquanet)
59: President: W (Nixon)
60: Dr. Seuss Book: Oh, the Thinks You Can Think! (The Cat in the Hat Comes Back)
61: Word: Potential (funner)
62: Sexual Position: Haha just kidding again (Congress of the Crow)
63: Old Person: Lorelle in Alaska (My maternal grandfather, who's dead)
64: Harry Potter Character: Fenrir Greyback (Grawp)
65: Weapon: Guns (the A bomb)
66: Thing to Eat: Poop (Razor Blades)
67: Classic Rock Band: Rolling Stones (Heart)
68: Animal: Spiders (naked mole rats)
69: Fruit: Pumpkin (Gooseberry)
70: SNL Alum: Chris Farley (Will Ferrell)
71: Root Beer: Barq's (Dad's)
72: Curse Word: C Word (SH Word)
73: Flower: Broccoli (Rose)
74: Sport: Basketball (Lacrosse)
75: Greek God: Ares (Iris)
76: Board Game: Monopoly (Yatzee)
77: Beatles Song: Paperback Writer (Imagine)
78: Hymn: Come All ye Sons of God (I am a Child of God)
79: Jelly Belly: Cappuccino (Licorice)
80: Punctuation Mark: Slash (Ampersand)
81: Bone: Patella (T-12)
82: Car: Hearst (Oscar Meyer Weinermobile)
83: Soup: Clam Chowder (Cream of Shrimp)
84: Black: Will Smiff (Anita Hill)
85: Cologne: Anything in a bottle shaped like a pheasant (Axe)
86: Comedic Movie: Master of Disguise (Jackass)
87: Card Game: Slapjack (Egyptian Rat Screw)
88: Job: Janitor (Assistant Crack Whore)
89: Category So Far: Tree (Bone)
90: Holiday: Take your Daughter to Work Day (Veteran's Day)
91: Marsupial: 'Possum (Wombat)
92: Organ: Rectum (Nose)
93: Football Player: Terrell Owens (Bo Jackson)
94: Jam: Apricot pineapple (Mint)
95: Appliance: Cuisinart (Toaster)
96: Fish: Moray Eel (Great White)
97: Meat: Fish (Pate)
98: Soda: Grape (Anything Chilean)
99: Tool: Bone saw (auger)
100: Actress: Angelina Jolie (Mary Tyler Moore)
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Media Recommendations
I've seen some great movies and read some great books recently. Just thought I'd report here. Movies first:
Transformers: surprisingly good! I expected a lot of rubbish with some familiar old characters, and I was hardly prepared for this delightful adventure. The writing was incredible! Of special note was the main character's mother, whom I found to be hilarious. Evan and I went to see this one twice.
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix: This movie was much better than the bloated, depressing book from which its script was adapted. I don't know why, but I got very excited at the end with the battle between the forces of light and dark, and also by the editing in the final battle between Harry and Voldemort that takes place in Harry's mind.
Hairspray: The music in this movie was inspiring. The entire cast displayed an enormous talent, the message was timely and important, and it avoided slipping into the dubious Hollywood morality. It has a fluffy exterior, but underneath it is an important movie that everyone should see.
Ok, I know all three of those movies aren't supposed to be very deep, and they won't win a Best Picture Oscar, but they all were very well done. Much better than your average summer blockbuster fare. I wouldn't be mentioning them here had I not been so favorably impressed. Books next:
The Poisonwood Bible: Sadly, I don't have many people left to whom I can recommend this book, since I seem to be the last one to discover it. I was very impressed with Kingsolver's daring experimentation with voice. The book was shocking, heart wrenching, and didactic. It tells the story of a preacher and his wife and four daughters who travel to the Congo in the 50's as missionaries, and each chapter is told by either the wife or one of the four daughters. Each has a very distinct perspective and voice. Eldest daughter Rachel is skeptical and aloof, and inadvertently uses humorous malapropisms, all the while providing a metaphor for the average American's refusal to see what the United States was doing to the Congo. The twins are next, with Rachel speaking in lofty and idealistic tones, and we follow her down a path of disillusionment that ends in a harsh but crucial place. The other twin, Adah, has suffered brain damage and is literal and belligerent, writing in palindromes and wordplays and making deep, resounding metaphorical connections between the family and the African nation. Youngest daughter Ruth May is optimistic and naive, her imaginative and uneducated voice being used to illustrate otherwise hidden dangers in a tone heavy with dramatic irony. The mother speaks from many years later, with a deep melancholy and richly wise hindsight, all proffered in a dizzyingly poetic style. It's an absolute joy to read this novel, which begins as a story about the one family, but by the end has drawn all of the Congo under its scope.
Cloud Atlas: I don't know what inspired me to pick this up, but I was looking for something that was as much fun and experimentation as The Poisonwood Bible, and I found that in Cloud Atlas. Cloud Atlas opens with a man named Adam Ewing presenting us with his 1849 journal, using an old-fashioned English where words are spelled however they sound. Right in the middle of one of his adventures, indeed, in the middle of one of his sentences, his story comes to an abrupt end and we are introduced to Robert Frobisher, a gifted musician with an uninhibited sex life and a knack for getting himself into and talking his way out of trouble, all told through a series of letters to a former lover, which employ shorthand, often leaving out the subjects of sentences and abbreviating important words and names. Before reaching any resolution there, we begin "Half-lives: The First Luisa Rey Novel," which is a story corporate intrigue set in the 1970's. In the middle of that story, we begin to read a hilarious memoir of a publisher named Timothy Cavendish, whose misadventures are told in Cockney slang. Then we're on to the science-fiction story of Onmi 451 clone designed to feed people in a restaurant in Korea in the near future. This is presented in interview form, and the language of the future has been truncated and streamlined, so we end up with words like "xpect" and "fritened." This character's confused perspective matches ours, and as the world becomes clearer to her, so the story does to us. Finally, we begin the story of a post-apocalyptic people whose language is only in spoken form, and who long for relics of the once-civilized world. The language in this section is the most bizarre of all, representing an English corrupted by hundreds of years of benighted thinking. At this point in the novel, the story turns around, and goes back through all of the stories we've already read, finishing them off and answering our questions. What is strange is that each main character seems to be in possession of the previous sections of the book (an idea I've long considered for a book idea I've been working on), and each main character seems to be the same soul, reincarnated over and over throughout time. It builds to a neat climax several times, and astonishingly, only when you reach the end of the book do you realize the overarching themes that were surely present the whole time. Full of self-allusion and tricky, sparkling wordplay, this novel also punches out an important moral about power and greed and living as a part of a society, and how an individual's downfall will be the same as a civilization’s downfall if the citizens don't keep their pride in check. It's really astonishing, and I recommend this enjoyable read to anyone who loves language.
Finally, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Yes, this is the end of the Harry Potter series, and J.K. Rowling did it exactly right. I don't want to post any spoilers here, and I don't feel I need to explain what the book is about (who doesn't know at this point, right?), but I do want to say that this was very much the most moral and important book in the series, with lessons about sacrifice and loss and friendship and forgiveness. It was also more honest than the other books, with well-established "good" characters coming under new scrutiny (Dumbledore, Sirius, Lupin, etc.) and "bad characters finally getting a chance to bask in a more positive light (Snape, the Dursleys, the Malfoys, Wormtail, etc.). The characters all became much more detailed and richer. The questions were all answered in a very appropriate and sometimes unexpected way. And I felt the action sequences were more enjoyable than ever, primarily because so much happens, and secondarily because more is at stake. No fewer than seven good characters from previous books die in this one, which is hard to take, but makes Harry's struggle all the more important. If you haven't read the Harry Potter books, I strongly recommend them. They are very life-affirming and humorous and warm, and above all, remarkably well plotted. I know everybody has probably already told you, but they are not just kids' books. They are human books
Well, kids, that's it for today. I just learned about Google Feed Reader, which might change the way I do things on the Internet, and I recommend you check it out. Especially because I update this blog so unreliably, and this will automatically inform you whenever I do. Okay bye.
Transformers: surprisingly good! I expected a lot of rubbish with some familiar old characters, and I was hardly prepared for this delightful adventure. The writing was incredible! Of special note was the main character's mother, whom I found to be hilarious. Evan and I went to see this one twice.
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix: This movie was much better than the bloated, depressing book from which its script was adapted. I don't know why, but I got very excited at the end with the battle between the forces of light and dark, and also by the editing in the final battle between Harry and Voldemort that takes place in Harry's mind.
Hairspray: The music in this movie was inspiring. The entire cast displayed an enormous talent, the message was timely and important, and it avoided slipping into the dubious Hollywood morality. It has a fluffy exterior, but underneath it is an important movie that everyone should see.Ok, I know all three of those movies aren't supposed to be very deep, and they won't win a Best Picture Oscar, but they all were very well done. Much better than your average summer blockbuster fare. I wouldn't be mentioning them here had I not been so favorably impressed. Books next:
The Poisonwood Bible: Sadly, I don't have many people left to whom I can recommend this book, since I seem to be the last one to discover it. I was very impressed with Kingsolver's daring experimentation with voice. The book was shocking, heart wrenching, and didactic. It tells the story of a preacher and his wife and four daughters who travel to the Congo in the 50's as missionaries, and each chapter is told by either the wife or one of the four daughters. Each has a very distinct perspective and voice. Eldest daughter Rachel is skeptical and aloof, and inadvertently uses humorous malapropisms, all the while providing a metaphor for the average American's refusal to see what the United States was doing to the Congo. The twins are next, with Rachel speaking in lofty and idealistic tones, and we follow her down a path of disillusionment that ends in a harsh but crucial place. The other twin, Adah, has suffered brain damage and is literal and belligerent, writing in palindromes and wordplays and making deep, resounding metaphorical connections between the family and the African nation. Youngest daughter Ruth May is optimistic and naive, her imaginative and uneducated voice being used to illustrate otherwise hidden dangers in a tone heavy with dramatic irony. The mother speaks from many years later, with a deep melancholy and richly wise hindsight, all proffered in a dizzyingly poetic style. It's an absolute joy to read this novel, which begins as a story about the one family, but by the end has drawn all of the Congo under its scope.
Cloud Atlas: I don't know what inspired me to pick this up, but I was looking for something that was as much fun and experimentation as The Poisonwood Bible, and I found that in Cloud Atlas. Cloud Atlas opens with a man named Adam Ewing presenting us with his 1849 journal, using an old-fashioned English where words are spelled however they sound. Right in the middle of one of his adventures, indeed, in the middle of one of his sentences, his story comes to an abrupt end and we are introduced to Robert Frobisher, a gifted musician with an uninhibited sex life and a knack for getting himself into and talking his way out of trouble, all told through a series of letters to a former lover, which employ shorthand, often leaving out the subjects of sentences and abbreviating important words and names. Before reaching any resolution there, we begin "Half-lives: The First Luisa Rey Novel," which is a story corporate intrigue set in the 1970's. In the middle of that story, we begin to read a hilarious memoir of a publisher named Timothy Cavendish, whose misadventures are told in Cockney slang. Then we're on to the science-fiction story of Onmi 451 clone designed to feed people in a restaurant in Korea in the near future. This is presented in interview form, and the language of the future has been truncated and streamlined, so we end up with words like "xpect" and "fritened." This character's confused perspective matches ours, and as the world becomes clearer to her, so the story does to us. Finally, we begin the story of a post-apocalyptic people whose language is only in spoken form, and who long for relics of the once-civilized world. The language in this section is the most bizarre of all, representing an English corrupted by hundreds of years of benighted thinking. At this point in the novel, the story turns around, and goes back through all of the stories we've already read, finishing them off and answering our questions. What is strange is that each main character seems to be in possession of the previous sections of the book (an idea I've long considered for a book idea I've been working on), and each main character seems to be the same soul, reincarnated over and over throughout time. It builds to a neat climax several times, and astonishingly, only when you reach the end of the book do you realize the overarching themes that were surely present the whole time. Full of self-allusion and tricky, sparkling wordplay, this novel also punches out an important moral about power and greed and living as a part of a society, and how an individual's downfall will be the same as a civilization’s downfall if the citizens don't keep their pride in check. It's really astonishing, and I recommend this enjoyable read to anyone who loves language.
Finally, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Yes, this is the end of the Harry Potter series, and J.K. Rowling did it exactly right. I don't want to post any spoilers here, and I don't feel I need to explain what the book is about (who doesn't know at this point, right?), but I do want to say that this was very much the most moral and important book in the series, with lessons about sacrifice and loss and friendship and forgiveness. It was also more honest than the other books, with well-established "good" characters coming under new scrutiny (Dumbledore, Sirius, Lupin, etc.) and "bad characters finally getting a chance to bask in a more positive light (Snape, the Dursleys, the Malfoys, Wormtail, etc.). The characters all became much more detailed and richer. The questions were all answered in a very appropriate and sometimes unexpected way. And I felt the action sequences were more enjoyable than ever, primarily because so much happens, and secondarily because more is at stake. No fewer than seven good characters from previous books die in this one, which is hard to take, but makes Harry's struggle all the more important. If you haven't read the Harry Potter books, I strongly recommend them. They are very life-affirming and humorous and warm, and above all, remarkably well plotted. I know everybody has probably already told you, but they are not just kids' books. They are human booksWell, kids, that's it for today. I just learned about Google Feed Reader, which might change the way I do things on the Internet, and I recommend you check it out. Especially because I update this blog so unreliably, and this will automatically inform you whenever I do. Okay bye.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
The First Thing I'm Going to Do When Evan and I Get Back!
Go tubing down the Provo River!
Go to Zupa’s with Kaylene!
Go stargazing!
Finish watching Heroes with Ben!
Go to outdoor movie night at Sundance!
Go camping all around Utah!
Go to IHOP in the middle of the night!
Go to a baseball game and watch fireworks with Caitie and Janeen and co.!
Edit our movies!
Get a car, a job, and pay my debts to the Po-lice.
Eat at Bombay House!
Watch the season finale of Lost!
Go swimming whenever I want!
Other craziness!
Everyone's welcome!
Go to Zupa’s with Kaylene!
Go stargazing!
Finish watching Heroes with Ben!
Go to outdoor movie night at Sundance!
Go camping all around Utah!
Go to IHOP in the middle of the night!
Go to a baseball game and watch fireworks with Caitie and Janeen and co.!
Edit our movies!
Get a car, a job, and pay my debts to the Po-lice.
Eat at Bombay House!
Watch the season finale of Lost!
Go swimming whenever I want!
Other craziness!
Everyone's welcome!
Friday, January 13, 2006
Have a stupid no-brainer survey.
1) Are you currently in a relationship or single? Yes.
2) Are you happy with where you are? I'm sleepy with where I am.
3) When you meet the right person, do you fall fast? I fall in love like I fall in dreams: I always wake up before I actually hit.
4) Have you ever cheated on someone? nope.
5) Do you believe that there are certain circumstances where cheating is acceptable? Maybe if you're playing spades and everyone agrees beforehand that cheating is okay as long as you don't get caught. My friend Tex and I used to play that way. But that's the only time I can think of.
6) Would you ever take someone back, if they cheated on you? I'm sure I will some day.
7) Have you talked about marriage with another person or have you been married? That's a negative. I've alluded to marriage but never just outright talked about it.
8) Do you want children? Are you offering me some? I only want my own, thanks.
9) If yes how many? As many as my wife can pop out before she collapses.
10) Would you consider adoption? I'm too old to be adopted and it's probably too late for me anyhow.
11) If somebody liked you right now, what do you think a cool unique way of showing you would be? Screw showing. What ever hapened to TELLING?
12) Do you enjoy a chase? We believe in being honest, true, chased....
13) Be honest, do you play the "game" when you are dating someone? If the game is Trivial Pursuit, then yes, always. And yes, this answer has multiple meanings.
14) Do you believe love at first sight exists? That's called you're both horny, like in Titanic or Romeo and Juliet or The Muppet Movie.
15) Are you a romantic? I'm a neo-classical.
16) Do you believe that you can change someone? Sure, you can change babies. In fact, you probably should, or they stink.
17) If you could get married anywhere, money not an object where would it be? Wherever I feel like that day.
18) [Question deleted by the smurfs for strong language and adult situations.]
19) Do you easily give in when you are fighting? I imagine I would if ever I were wrong.
20) Do you have feelings for someone right now, whether they know or not? I don't think so. I am trying to not be aware of that sort of thing right now, thank you.
2) Are you happy with where you are? I'm sleepy with where I am.
3) When you meet the right person, do you fall fast? I fall in love like I fall in dreams: I always wake up before I actually hit.
4) Have you ever cheated on someone? nope.
5) Do you believe that there are certain circumstances where cheating is acceptable? Maybe if you're playing spades and everyone agrees beforehand that cheating is okay as long as you don't get caught. My friend Tex and I used to play that way. But that's the only time I can think of.
6) Would you ever take someone back, if they cheated on you? I'm sure I will some day.
7) Have you talked about marriage with another person or have you been married? That's a negative. I've alluded to marriage but never just outright talked about it.
8) Do you want children? Are you offering me some? I only want my own, thanks.
9) If yes how many? As many as my wife can pop out before she collapses.
10) Would you consider adoption? I'm too old to be adopted and it's probably too late for me anyhow.
11) If somebody liked you right now, what do you think a cool unique way of showing you would be? Screw showing. What ever hapened to TELLING?
12) Do you enjoy a chase? We believe in being honest, true, chased....
13) Be honest, do you play the "game" when you are dating someone? If the game is Trivial Pursuit, then yes, always. And yes, this answer has multiple meanings.
14) Do you believe love at first sight exists? That's called you're both horny, like in Titanic or Romeo and Juliet or The Muppet Movie.
15) Are you a romantic? I'm a neo-classical.
16) Do you believe that you can change someone? Sure, you can change babies. In fact, you probably should, or they stink.
17) If you could get married anywhere, money not an object where would it be? Wherever I feel like that day.
18) [Question deleted by the smurfs for strong language and adult situations.]
19) Do you easily give in when you are fighting? I imagine I would if ever I were wrong.
20) Do you have feelings for someone right now, whether they know or not? I don't think so. I am trying to not be aware of that sort of thing right now, thank you.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
Things I Should be Posting about
1. My dad's suicide attempt and subsequent hospitalization due to alcohol poisoning.
2. The floods that evacuated my hometown.
3. New Years at the Space Needle in Washington.
4. Christmas with a kind but bizarre family from West Valley.
5. The news that my heart chakra swirls the wrong way.
6. Having to play with guns.
7. The vivid nightmares I've had every night since I've been home from California.
8. My search for a new job.
9. What I did with Jenny's car.
10. Camping on the beach.
11. The resulting poison oak: "I'm a monster!"
12. Road trips with Blue Shorts.
13. Getting stuck in SLUT (that stands for Salt Lake, Utah) last night and Wiggle to the rescue.
14. The hole left in my heart because Vero awesome is on Colorado now.
15. My choir trip this week to St. George.
But guess what? I am stressed, and I don't feel like talking about that crap. Which is why I haven't posted for a while. So I'll do what I've done in the past, i.e. post some of my personal favorites of my own responses from the Hundred hour Board. Hope you enjoy the best of Smurfette and Grouchy:
Dear Females of the 100 Hour Board,
I figured this question would be best for girls since guys don't usually care about baby names. Anyway, I'm getting married in three months and I'm hoping to have a little girl first. Any good name suggestions? I've always liked the names Lesley and Isabelle...yeah, I know they're way different from each other, but they both appeal to me. So anyway, I'm just looking for some inspiration. What are your sisters' names? What names do you just like? Thanks a ton! Keep up the awesome work you guys do, cause I love reading this Board.
-Shadow
ADear I had a dog named that!
Here are some ideas:
Polaris Esther. That way you have the star motif going, sice Polaris is the north star and esther is the Hebrew word for star. Plus Polaris is a really awesome X-man. And you could call her Polly for short. Polly Esther. How cool is that?
Mia is a good one. Like that bee. If you name her Mia, her middle name needs to be Pow. Then she'll see flags with her name sometimes.
Aurora Borealis is a good one. It's Latin for "northern dawn." And it's like the name of Sleeping Beauty.
Many girls are named after flowers. You could name her after the pot the flower is in. So how about Tara Cotta? Or if you think "Cotta" is a stupid middle name, then you could use "moto." That way her name is the Spanish word for "earthquake." She'll be a force of nature!
For you Star Wars fans, try Xaveri Cantina. The Xaveri is just so you can have a name that starts with X (plus it's an anagram for Xavier, in case you're into the X-Men).
I'm fond of the name Ember Vertigo. Amber is overdone. Vertigo is a really freaky Hitchcock. I guess if you had triplets you could go with Amber, Ember, and Umber. They would love you forever.
And if you are trying to come up with a name before you know the baby's gender, you can always go with Anne Drogeny. Yes, that one's great.
--Smurfette
Dear 100 Hour Board...specifcally those smurfy types....
are you aware that the smurfs were communists?
- a concerned citizen
ADear paranoid citizen,
You are a fool. The McCarthy era is over, buddy. It's not cool to use the word "communist" to describe everything you don't understand. And if you think we smurfs are actually communist, then you are ignorant as well. Communism is a type of egalitarian society in which nobody owns anything. Smurfs own plenty of things. Smurfette has a whole closet full of the same stupid white dress and shoes. When Farmer found a genie's lamp, he was allowed to keep it for himself, not required to share it with everyone for the greater good (although Papa did end up having to borrow the lamp in a few episodes, but that fits in with a point I'll make in a second). Vanity often refers to his mirror as "my mirror." Greedy is allowed to have more than his fair share of the food. Even Lazy is forced to get up and work if he wants the benefits of living in the Smurf Village. The thing about the smurfs is that we share what we have. When Handy invented automobiles, he made one for everyone in town. That would only be communist if Papa Smurf had forced him to do it. If you buy a pizza and then share it evenly with your roommates, are you communist? No. But if your landlord comes in and takes your pizza and splits it up evenly between you, then the landlord is communist. Sharing is not the same thing as communism. Enough with the paranoia. Next you'll be telling me that Vanity is a metrosexual. Ok, maybe he is. But I didn't say that.
--Grouchy
Dear 100 Hour Board,
So my younger sister is studying Romeo and Juliet in her high school English class. As they read the balcony scene, one of the other students asks "So this is where she lets down her hair, right?" Another student responds with "No, stupid, thats Rapunzel and its a bible story, not Shakespeare." Mind you, this is a junior level english class. So here's the question: What has happened to today's teenagers to make them so ignorant?
- mj
ADear MJ,
MTV?
--Grock
A
Television, plain and simple.
-Benvolio
ADear everyone,
Oh, sure, let's blame television and the other mass media. Sorry, folks, but watching television doesn't magically make people any more ignorant than they were before they turned it on. It doesn't often make them much more knowledgeable, either, I'll admit. But it's not like the student who made the Rapunzel comment at one point knew that that story wasn't in the Bible, but then she went home and read her TeenBeat magazine and pumped some VH1 into her brain and accidentally deleted it. No, the problem isn't what we put into the brains of today's youth; it's what we DON'T put in.
How would these pupils know what the Bible contains? That's forbidden from classroom discussion. Sure, teach them we evolved from rats. Teach them how to put on condoms and to accept alternative lifestyles and that no knowledge is certain. Let them glean their own "morals" from a rather corrupt Shakespeare, and from Hemingway and Judy Blume.
While you're at it, make sure you don't let any of the kids exceed their peers. Hold the brilliant kids back to the pace of the class, and hold the class back to the pace of the slow kids.
Then we can invent new math classes that don't focus on math--please, who needs to know math anymore now that we have calculators and computers?--but rather focus on group unity and feelings about mathematical concepts.
Then we can take the classics and strip them down and put our own agendas into them. "Shakespeare? Well, the language is beyond you, but trust me, it's about sex." Or feminism. Or capitalism.
Then we can prescribe what the students learn even further by making required reading lists and curricula that make sure each little automoton learns the exact same things. Independent thought will come naturally in college, as we've all been taught it should.
The students seem to be communicating okay, so we can also throw out the ideas of grammar and phonetics, since most teachers don't understand those things anyway. the kids'll prolly be fine since we're moving towards internet language which has no rulez anyways lol:)
In fact, the whole concept of right and wrong is outdated (probably came from the Bible or something!). As long as the student shows her work/has good intentions/has put forth an effort, she'll receive full marks. Who are we to judge? Imagine if the Catholic church had given Galileo a grade. Except don't because you have no need to know who that even is.
In short, our students aren't learning anything. They aren't passing their standardized tests. They aren't even interested or trying. Let's do the logical thing: make it even easier. Students can get A's in two ways: we can make them work harder or we can make it easier. Well, that seems an obvious choice!
Oh, and let's cut funding way back. We don't want to be forking over the big bucks for teachers who know too much more than their students, lest they seem inaccessible. After all, a teacher's primary concern is preparing the students for the "real world" by getting them to get along and by being a listening ear when the students need to talk. "Street smarts" in the end prove much more valuable than "book smarts," right?
Oh, and happy New Year, Mubba.
--Grouchy, who actually never watches television as a rule, lest it happen to make him dumber.
QDear 100 Hour Board,
Why does everyone hate (starwars) Episode 1 and 2 so much? I happened to like them very much and it spoils my joy the same way it does when I finish watching a movie and some jerk in the crowd says loudly, 'that was the worst movie I've ever seen.'
- Hurt, broken, bleeding, scarred, tortured, and losing a pulse.
ADear Hurt,
I guess this is my opportunity to defend the movies. But I'll pass on that, because they were awful. Episode one contained inappropriate jokes, for goodness' sake! Jake and Hayden both in turn put in dismal performances as the character who is central to the entire series. The dialogue seemed to be written directly to the audience. "Now that's pod-racing!" Do you remember that? He might as well have turned to the camera and said, "Don't think it weird that a young boy is instantly such a good pilot. Remember, folks, at the beginning of the movie when I was pod-racing?" Padme and Amidala were more obviously the same person than Superman and Clark Kent. This whole business with the metychloridians or whatever was asinine, like trying to find a scientific explanation for faith. Not to mention the immaculate conception of Darth Vader, or his emasculation vis-a-vis the nickname "Ani." Then there's the muddled plot, the killing off of the coolest character before he's said four lines, Jar-Jar, the fleeting glimpses of cities you'd like to spend at least a few seconds admiring, the creepy relationship between Anakin and Padme, etc. I mean, it's not like the original trilogy had the best acting, either. But it had heart. Even Yoda's wisdom is diminished. In episode II, he never says a single thing we don't already know. More like Jedi Master of the Obvious, I say. Seriously, watch it with that in mind, and you'll notice.
The problem is that Lucas obviously has no sense of what's sacred. Remember the extended version of the Max Rebo Band? Disgusting! It's like a cartoon. And now the newest version has a new over-expository conversation between Vader and Palpatine, a new ghost Anakin at the end of Jedi, a third version of Greedo's death, and a new score in place of the Ewok's yub-yub song. George should really just hand his movies over to someone who doesn't live by the motto "more is more."
Let someone else try to defend those movies.
--Grouchy
QDear 100 Hour Board,
If you won a bunch of money gambling and you wanted to pay tithing on it, would the Church accept your tithe?
- Senor Cardgage
ADear creepy comb-over guy,
The church has a special scanner that they run all checks and currency through to see if they were earned by gambling. If they were, the money will be returned not to you, but to the Lotto or casino or racetrack where you won it. They also contact your Bishop, spouse, parents, and college professors and tell them to encourage you to return the other 90%. This story is made up. They have no way of knowing. Just don't gamble, people. And come up with your own questions, not just the ones on the fliers we handed out today. Sheesh.
--Grouchy
2. The floods that evacuated my hometown.
3. New Years at the Space Needle in Washington.
4. Christmas with a kind but bizarre family from West Valley.
5. The news that my heart chakra swirls the wrong way.
6. Having to play with guns.
7. The vivid nightmares I've had every night since I've been home from California.
8. My search for a new job.
9. What I did with Jenny's car.
10. Camping on the beach.
11. The resulting poison oak: "I'm a monster!"
12. Road trips with Blue Shorts.
13. Getting stuck in SLUT (that stands for Salt Lake, Utah) last night and Wiggle to the rescue.
14. The hole left in my heart because Vero awesome is on Colorado now.
15. My choir trip this week to St. George.
But guess what? I am stressed, and I don't feel like talking about that crap. Which is why I haven't posted for a while. So I'll do what I've done in the past, i.e. post some of my personal favorites of my own responses from the Hundred hour Board. Hope you enjoy the best of Smurfette and Grouchy:
Dear Females of the 100 Hour Board,
I figured this question would be best for girls since guys don't usually care about baby names. Anyway, I'm getting married in three months and I'm hoping to have a little girl first. Any good name suggestions? I've always liked the names Lesley and Isabelle...yeah, I know they're way different from each other, but they both appeal to me. So anyway, I'm just looking for some inspiration. What are your sisters' names? What names do you just like? Thanks a ton! Keep up the awesome work you guys do, cause I love reading this Board.
-Shadow
ADear I had a dog named that!
Here are some ideas:
Polaris Esther. That way you have the star motif going, sice Polaris is the north star and esther is the Hebrew word for star. Plus Polaris is a really awesome X-man. And you could call her Polly for short. Polly Esther. How cool is that?
Mia is a good one. Like that bee. If you name her Mia, her middle name needs to be Pow. Then she'll see flags with her name sometimes.
Aurora Borealis is a good one. It's Latin for "northern dawn." And it's like the name of Sleeping Beauty.
Many girls are named after flowers. You could name her after the pot the flower is in. So how about Tara Cotta? Or if you think "Cotta" is a stupid middle name, then you could use "moto." That way her name is the Spanish word for "earthquake." She'll be a force of nature!
For you Star Wars fans, try Xaveri Cantina. The Xaveri is just so you can have a name that starts with X (plus it's an anagram for Xavier, in case you're into the X-Men).
I'm fond of the name Ember Vertigo. Amber is overdone. Vertigo is a really freaky Hitchcock. I guess if you had triplets you could go with Amber, Ember, and Umber. They would love you forever.
And if you are trying to come up with a name before you know the baby's gender, you can always go with Anne Drogeny. Yes, that one's great.
--Smurfette
Dear 100 Hour Board...specifcally those smurfy types....
are you aware that the smurfs were communists?
- a concerned citizen
ADear paranoid citizen,
You are a fool. The McCarthy era is over, buddy. It's not cool to use the word "communist" to describe everything you don't understand. And if you think we smurfs are actually communist, then you are ignorant as well. Communism is a type of egalitarian society in which nobody owns anything. Smurfs own plenty of things. Smurfette has a whole closet full of the same stupid white dress and shoes. When Farmer found a genie's lamp, he was allowed to keep it for himself, not required to share it with everyone for the greater good (although Papa did end up having to borrow the lamp in a few episodes, but that fits in with a point I'll make in a second). Vanity often refers to his mirror as "my mirror." Greedy is allowed to have more than his fair share of the food. Even Lazy is forced to get up and work if he wants the benefits of living in the Smurf Village. The thing about the smurfs is that we share what we have. When Handy invented automobiles, he made one for everyone in town. That would only be communist if Papa Smurf had forced him to do it. If you buy a pizza and then share it evenly with your roommates, are you communist? No. But if your landlord comes in and takes your pizza and splits it up evenly between you, then the landlord is communist. Sharing is not the same thing as communism. Enough with the paranoia. Next you'll be telling me that Vanity is a metrosexual. Ok, maybe he is. But I didn't say that.
--Grouchy
Dear 100 Hour Board,
So my younger sister is studying Romeo and Juliet in her high school English class. As they read the balcony scene, one of the other students asks "So this is where she lets down her hair, right?" Another student responds with "No, stupid, thats Rapunzel and its a bible story, not Shakespeare." Mind you, this is a junior level english class. So here's the question: What has happened to today's teenagers to make them so ignorant?
- mj
ADear MJ,
MTV?
--Grock
A
Television, plain and simple.
-Benvolio
ADear everyone,
Oh, sure, let's blame television and the other mass media. Sorry, folks, but watching television doesn't magically make people any more ignorant than they were before they turned it on. It doesn't often make them much more knowledgeable, either, I'll admit. But it's not like the student who made the Rapunzel comment at one point knew that that story wasn't in the Bible, but then she went home and read her TeenBeat magazine and pumped some VH1 into her brain and accidentally deleted it. No, the problem isn't what we put into the brains of today's youth; it's what we DON'T put in.
How would these pupils know what the Bible contains? That's forbidden from classroom discussion. Sure, teach them we evolved from rats. Teach them how to put on condoms and to accept alternative lifestyles and that no knowledge is certain. Let them glean their own "morals" from a rather corrupt Shakespeare, and from Hemingway and Judy Blume.
While you're at it, make sure you don't let any of the kids exceed their peers. Hold the brilliant kids back to the pace of the class, and hold the class back to the pace of the slow kids.
Then we can invent new math classes that don't focus on math--please, who needs to know math anymore now that we have calculators and computers?--but rather focus on group unity and feelings about mathematical concepts.
Then we can take the classics and strip them down and put our own agendas into them. "Shakespeare? Well, the language is beyond you, but trust me, it's about sex." Or feminism. Or capitalism.
Then we can prescribe what the students learn even further by making required reading lists and curricula that make sure each little automoton learns the exact same things. Independent thought will come naturally in college, as we've all been taught it should.
The students seem to be communicating okay, so we can also throw out the ideas of grammar and phonetics, since most teachers don't understand those things anyway. the kids'll prolly be fine since we're moving towards internet language which has no rulez anyways lol:)
In fact, the whole concept of right and wrong is outdated (probably came from the Bible or something!). As long as the student shows her work/has good intentions/has put forth an effort, she'll receive full marks. Who are we to judge? Imagine if the Catholic church had given Galileo a grade. Except don't because you have no need to know who that even is.
In short, our students aren't learning anything. They aren't passing their standardized tests. They aren't even interested or trying. Let's do the logical thing: make it even easier. Students can get A's in two ways: we can make them work harder or we can make it easier. Well, that seems an obvious choice!
Oh, and let's cut funding way back. We don't want to be forking over the big bucks for teachers who know too much more than their students, lest they seem inaccessible. After all, a teacher's primary concern is preparing the students for the "real world" by getting them to get along and by being a listening ear when the students need to talk. "Street smarts" in the end prove much more valuable than "book smarts," right?
Oh, and happy New Year, Mubba.
--Grouchy, who actually never watches television as a rule, lest it happen to make him dumber.
QDear 100 Hour Board,
Why does everyone hate (starwars) Episode 1 and 2 so much? I happened to like them very much and it spoils my joy the same way it does when I finish watching a movie and some jerk in the crowd says loudly, 'that was the worst movie I've ever seen.'
- Hurt, broken, bleeding, scarred, tortured, and losing a pulse.
ADear Hurt,
I guess this is my opportunity to defend the movies. But I'll pass on that, because they were awful. Episode one contained inappropriate jokes, for goodness' sake! Jake and Hayden both in turn put in dismal performances as the character who is central to the entire series. The dialogue seemed to be written directly to the audience. "Now that's pod-racing!" Do you remember that? He might as well have turned to the camera and said, "Don't think it weird that a young boy is instantly such a good pilot. Remember, folks, at the beginning of the movie when I was pod-racing?" Padme and Amidala were more obviously the same person than Superman and Clark Kent. This whole business with the metychloridians or whatever was asinine, like trying to find a scientific explanation for faith. Not to mention the immaculate conception of Darth Vader, or his emasculation vis-a-vis the nickname "Ani." Then there's the muddled plot, the killing off of the coolest character before he's said four lines, Jar-Jar, the fleeting glimpses of cities you'd like to spend at least a few seconds admiring, the creepy relationship between Anakin and Padme, etc. I mean, it's not like the original trilogy had the best acting, either. But it had heart. Even Yoda's wisdom is diminished. In episode II, he never says a single thing we don't already know. More like Jedi Master of the Obvious, I say. Seriously, watch it with that in mind, and you'll notice.
The problem is that Lucas obviously has no sense of what's sacred. Remember the extended version of the Max Rebo Band? Disgusting! It's like a cartoon. And now the newest version has a new over-expository conversation between Vader and Palpatine, a new ghost Anakin at the end of Jedi, a third version of Greedo's death, and a new score in place of the Ewok's yub-yub song. George should really just hand his movies over to someone who doesn't live by the motto "more is more."
Let someone else try to defend those movies.
--Grouchy
QDear 100 Hour Board,
If you won a bunch of money gambling and you wanted to pay tithing on it, would the Church accept your tithe?
- Senor Cardgage
ADear creepy comb-over guy,
The church has a special scanner that they run all checks and currency through to see if they were earned by gambling. If they were, the money will be returned not to you, but to the Lotto or casino or racetrack where you won it. They also contact your Bishop, spouse, parents, and college professors and tell them to encourage you to return the other 90%. This story is made up. They have no way of knowing. Just don't gamble, people. And come up with your own questions, not just the ones on the fliers we handed out today. Sheesh.
--Grouchy
Monday, December 12, 2005
Christmas Wish List
Here are some things I'd like for Christmas.
A CTR ring. I like the nice green ones. I'm a size 11. Like this, only green:
A heavy winter coat.
Long Johns.
A flesh-colored body suit.
Really cheap scriptures (I plan to lose them).
A computer.
A fossa.
A car.
A cell phone.
Fudge.
A dictionary.
Board games.
Things I do NOT want:
Tofu.
Rainbow suspenders.
A graphing calculator.
A T-shirt with the word "fart" on it.
A Boyz II Men CD.
A box of wine.
This book:
A hammer.
A tarantula.
A CTR ring. I like the nice green ones. I'm a size 11. Like this, only green:
A heavy winter coat.
Long Johns.
A flesh-colored body suit.
Really cheap scriptures (I plan to lose them).
A computer.
A fossa.
A car.
A cell phone.
Fudge.
A dictionary.
Board games.
Things I do NOT want:
Tofu.
Rainbow suspenders.
A graphing calculator.
A T-shirt with the word "fart" on it.
A Boyz II Men CD.
A box of wine.
This book:
A hammer.
A tarantula.
Thursday, November 24, 2005
Thankfulness II
Once again, things for which I'm thankful:
That it hasn't really snowed here yet.
All the Thanksgiving dinner invitations I got.
My new Nickel Creek CD.
That Novel Concept is getting season 4 of 24 on DVD for me to watch with the Neverbird.
That my brothers are married.
Pockets full of candy to give to strangers in a creepy voice.
That the library finally noticed that I quit.
Text twist.
Chocolate oranges.
That my home town was gioven a perfect Clean Air rating.
Musical theatre.
That drag queens really mostly freak me out.
That I can claim 2 on my tax forms.
Repentence.
That I'm still not an Eskimo (no offence, Hero and Moose).
My books.
That Wiggle's crayon box is still in the same order in which I put it about a year ago.
My ward, which is really fantastic.
National Board Game Week, which is this week.
Artificial strawberry flavoring.
My rock collection.
That I have enough clothing to cover a whole east African village.
Happiness in general, and my seemingly expanded capacity to feel it.
Rain.
Costumes.
Catching polliwogs.
The sticky feeling on the floor of movie theatres.
Quaking aspens, quaking.
Cultural halls with the lights off, and running in them.
My mission companions, and the crazy promise I was given about them.
Dusk.
The Animaniacs, and how they helped me get an answer in Trivial Pursuit the other day.
My free engagement ring.
Little kids.
The future.
That the Neverbird and I seem to have the same taste in almost everything.
That she gets me.
My dad, and how much he wants the best for us, even if he's not sure what that means.
All of my wonderful friends.
Jonah chapter 4.
My roommate Brad and how understanding he's been with the whole bills thing.
That Toasteroven was able to cut my cell phone debt down to $260 somehow.
The Rice King restaurant.
Smiling strangers on BYU campus.
How weird my roommate Eric is, when we all expected he'd be the normal one.
Hot water heaters.
$2.50 sandwiches at Subway.
Dan and the film-making projects we've been working on.
Banana split flavored ice cream.
My duct tape wallet, and Nick for teaching me to make things with the stuff.
Allison, my dad's ex-girlfriend, because she still cares so much.
When the sunlight comes in all slanted, but very bright, like right now.
That I'm not an expatriate.
That juice comes out of fruit.
The Muppet Movie.
Happy Thanksgiving, friends.
That it hasn't really snowed here yet.
All the Thanksgiving dinner invitations I got.
My new Nickel Creek CD.
That Novel Concept is getting season 4 of 24 on DVD for me to watch with the Neverbird.
That my brothers are married.
Pockets full of candy to give to strangers in a creepy voice.
That the library finally noticed that I quit.
Text twist.
Chocolate oranges.
That my home town was gioven a perfect Clean Air rating.
Musical theatre.
That drag queens really mostly freak me out.
That I can claim 2 on my tax forms.
Repentence.
That I'm still not an Eskimo (no offence, Hero and Moose).
My books.
That Wiggle's crayon box is still in the same order in which I put it about a year ago.
My ward, which is really fantastic.
National Board Game Week, which is this week.
Artificial strawberry flavoring.
My rock collection.
That I have enough clothing to cover a whole east African village.
Happiness in general, and my seemingly expanded capacity to feel it.
Rain.
Costumes.
Catching polliwogs.
The sticky feeling on the floor of movie theatres.
Quaking aspens, quaking.
Cultural halls with the lights off, and running in them.
My mission companions, and the crazy promise I was given about them.
Dusk.
The Animaniacs, and how they helped me get an answer in Trivial Pursuit the other day.
My free engagement ring.
Little kids.
The future.
That the Neverbird and I seem to have the same taste in almost everything.
That she gets me.
My dad, and how much he wants the best for us, even if he's not sure what that means.
All of my wonderful friends.
Jonah chapter 4.
My roommate Brad and how understanding he's been with the whole bills thing.
That Toasteroven was able to cut my cell phone debt down to $260 somehow.
The Rice King restaurant.
Smiling strangers on BYU campus.
How weird my roommate Eric is, when we all expected he'd be the normal one.
Hot water heaters.
$2.50 sandwiches at Subway.
Dan and the film-making projects we've been working on.
Banana split flavored ice cream.
My duct tape wallet, and Nick for teaching me to make things with the stuff.
Allison, my dad's ex-girlfriend, because she still cares so much.
When the sunlight comes in all slanted, but very bright, like right now.
That I'm not an expatriate.
That juice comes out of fruit.
The Muppet Movie.
Happy Thanksgiving, friends.
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Party Favors
Birthdays are great! I totally indulged myself in amazing people for my birthday. The Neverbird took me out to eat, and it was my choice, so we ended up at Chik-Fil-A, since that's what I was craving. To me, that's one of the more up-scale fast food joints. She got me the new Nickel Creek CD (listening to it right now). Plus some candy. Her roommate sent me a check for ten dollars. Then we came back to my place to get ready for the party.
So, I've decided the best way to report on this party is to give out awards. This will be like that annoying thing they did in the pinewood derby in cub scouts where everyone gets an award, even if it has to be very obviously made-up just so everyone feels special.
Most enthusiastic about Taboo: Red Leader
Most inexplicably upset about getting buzzed in Taboo for saying "state" when "United States" was clearly on the list, but also giver of best new violet-blue sweater and all-around good guy: Chris
Funniest overall: Squirrell, who also rocks at Taboo.
Most likely to have said things only with the vain hope to see them end up on my blog: Hero
Strangerishest: Some guy called "Rob" that seemed to come with Red Leader
Most awesome to watch in group situations because he's always so visibly aware of what's appropriate in any situation: Pinetree
Most noticeably absent: Racherella
Purveyor of the nastiest food (tofu): 'Dice
Best magma red personality: Moose
Most embarassing gift ("In the Shadows of the Net: Breaking Free of Compulsive Online Sexual Behavior"): Blue Shorts (followed closely by the rainbow suspenders from Pinetree)
Bluest at the party, plus awesomest new toy (some sort of tiny, ultra-bright blue light on a carimexican): Blueberry
Best Trivial Pursuit card-reading voice (okay, that was Sunday, but the effects held over): Scotty E
Best manipulation of the thimble game to get her seat next to me back, plus major cool points for knowing the name of Splinter before he turned into a rat: Neverbird
Longest-desired present (newest Astro City comic collection): Wiggle
Nicest surprise to have there: Toasteroven
Traveled the farthest (from Tennessee): Russell
Most fantastically awesome roommate (provided all the pizzas and sodas and actually came): BAWB
Nicest on-line birthday wishes: Allison, my dad's ex, then El Veneno.
Weirdest on-line birthday wishes: Party Smurf, who is secretly just another incarnation of Buh.
Cutest answering machine message: The Maggot, as prompted by Mustard, singing "Happy Birthday." Close second to Topsie and Boston, who called from the line of Space Mountain, and left a sort of conjoined message. A distant third goes out to Gravy, who said that he'd sent a package this morning.
Most adorable gift (a wrapped cookie with a candle Scotch taped to the top): My home teacher.
Biggest apology to: Purple Brad, who tried to take me out to lunch but couldn't get me alone for long enough. Second place to whomever I've forgotten. I'm sure there must be somebody.
I also heard from Ouija, Nanny, my Dad, and Nanny's wife. Dad's in rehab. Fat Aunt Carol reports that he lost his job, yet again. No surprise given the state he seems to have been in according to his recent blog entries. He reports that he's getting disability now. I don't know how I feel about that on a moral level, but I'm sure glad I he's not going to be homeless. I was worried about that.
Man, I hope all you people know how much I love you, and how much you're the reason I love life. I need you in my life more, with all of your idiosyncracies. And Hero, you know I love you, man. The party was indeed better because of your presence.
Also, most awkward moment: when everyone demanded a story. I shared the one about Jennifer Ortiz, and Roy, and the horrible trick my brother Ouija played on me, and the horrible thing Buh said. I've been meaning to tell that story on here since it happened in August. Some day soon, I'll finish talking about the summer, promise. At any rate, I'm once again too tired to spellcheck. Goodnight.
So, I've decided the best way to report on this party is to give out awards. This will be like that annoying thing they did in the pinewood derby in cub scouts where everyone gets an award, even if it has to be very obviously made-up just so everyone feels special.
Most enthusiastic about Taboo: Red Leader
Most inexplicably upset about getting buzzed in Taboo for saying "state" when "United States" was clearly on the list, but also giver of best new violet-blue sweater and all-around good guy: Chris
Funniest overall: Squirrell, who also rocks at Taboo.
Most likely to have said things only with the vain hope to see them end up on my blog: Hero
Strangerishest: Some guy called "Rob" that seemed to come with Red Leader
Most awesome to watch in group situations because he's always so visibly aware of what's appropriate in any situation: Pinetree
Most noticeably absent: Racherella
Purveyor of the nastiest food (tofu): 'Dice
Best magma red personality: Moose
Most embarassing gift ("In the Shadows of the Net: Breaking Free of Compulsive Online Sexual Behavior"): Blue Shorts (followed closely by the rainbow suspenders from Pinetree)
Bluest at the party, plus awesomest new toy (some sort of tiny, ultra-bright blue light on a carimexican): Blueberry
Best Trivial Pursuit card-reading voice (okay, that was Sunday, but the effects held over): Scotty E
Best manipulation of the thimble game to get her seat next to me back, plus major cool points for knowing the name of Splinter before he turned into a rat: Neverbird
Longest-desired present (newest Astro City comic collection): Wiggle
Nicest surprise to have there: Toasteroven
Traveled the farthest (from Tennessee): Russell
Most fantastically awesome roommate (provided all the pizzas and sodas and actually came): BAWB
Nicest on-line birthday wishes: Allison, my dad's ex, then El Veneno.
Weirdest on-line birthday wishes: Party Smurf, who is secretly just another incarnation of Buh.
Cutest answering machine message: The Maggot, as prompted by Mustard, singing "Happy Birthday." Close second to Topsie and Boston, who called from the line of Space Mountain, and left a sort of conjoined message. A distant third goes out to Gravy, who said that he'd sent a package this morning.
Most adorable gift (a wrapped cookie with a candle Scotch taped to the top): My home teacher.
Biggest apology to: Purple Brad, who tried to take me out to lunch but couldn't get me alone for long enough. Second place to whomever I've forgotten. I'm sure there must be somebody.
I also heard from Ouija, Nanny, my Dad, and Nanny's wife. Dad's in rehab. Fat Aunt Carol reports that he lost his job, yet again. No surprise given the state he seems to have been in according to his recent blog entries. He reports that he's getting disability now. I don't know how I feel about that on a moral level, but I'm sure glad I he's not going to be homeless. I was worried about that.
Man, I hope all you people know how much I love you, and how much you're the reason I love life. I need you in my life more, with all of your idiosyncracies. And Hero, you know I love you, man. The party was indeed better because of your presence.
Also, most awkward moment: when everyone demanded a story. I shared the one about Jennifer Ortiz, and Roy, and the horrible trick my brother Ouija played on me, and the horrible thing Buh said. I've been meaning to tell that story on here since it happened in August. Some day soon, I'll finish talking about the summer, promise. At any rate, I'm once again too tired to spellcheck. Goodnight.
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Grouchy Gripes Again
More Things I Hate:
I HATE capers. They grow near the ocean and they are disgusting. I had a macaroni salad one time, and it secretly had these little nasties in it. I made a big scene spitting it out. I just can't handle them. I mean, I hate a lot of foods, but this is the one I hate the most. So I hope you believe me that they are terrible terrible terribles.
I HATE Scrappy Doo. I have this secret suspicion that his middle name is the same as his last name. I know I'm bagging on a fellow Hannah-Barberian here, but this freakish little mutant version of Scooby needs to get dipped like in Roger Rabbit. He used to run around and yell "Puppy Power!" or "Put 'em up, put 'em up!" I'll tell you what you can put 'em up, Crappy Doo.
I HATE Squamous cell carcinoma. Okay, to be honest, I don't really know what it is, but I found this picture of it, and that's enough for me to say something.
I HATE Sporty Spice. Spice girls in general are a strange and foreign species. But at least they are funny, and hot. But then there is Sporty Spice. The difference between sporty and the rest of the Sisters Spice is that she is not hot. She is quite nasty, in fact. And I'm completely willing to overlook the fact that she's the one who can actually sing.
I HATE progeria. Progeria is a congenital disease that makes kids age at about ten time their natural rate. The kids usually die very young, after having become scary dried up husks reminiscent of the aliens in the awful McDonald's-funded 80s movie, Mac and Me. The worst thing is that these kids become demented before they go. Their skeletons never properly harden, so they spend most of their lives in bed. I also hate that that one kid's penis is showing.
I HATE Trekkies. Look at them. We'll start with the one on the left, whom I consider to be the most tragic case in this photo, solely because he looks like he could actually have a chance at a life. But no, there he is, dressed like the other freaks and sporting a tiny plastic toy gun. Or phaser if you will. The next three make me wonder whether some sort of gravity ray is on them. Or maybe they forgot to drink their V8 today. Most likely, though, is that the Klingon guy smells very, very, egregiously bad. To the woman: Intergalactic Ordinance #570034-87 clearly states: "If you are older than my mom, you don't go out in public in a short dress and whoreboots. Klingon guy, I hope you get your mother's gold blouse back in her closet before she notices it's missing. And I hope you go back into yours. The world doesn't need you.
I still HATE Trekkies. You do not let your children near a giant horrible fat alien like that. I don't care if it is his mother.
I HATE gay Trekkie couples with adopted mysteriously Asian Trekkie babies and 1980s haircuts. Why does this exist!?
I HATE naked mole rats. I hate that they are naked. I hate their nasty twelve nipples, primarily because they are nasty in and of themselves, but secondarily because their sheer number suggests the size of the litter. I hate the wrinkles. Anything that wrinkled should never be naked. I hate the teeth, the gums, and the lower lip, which I believe actually got chewed through. I hate that if these things stop breaking their teeth down on the rocks through which they dig, their nasty lower teeth just keep growing until they run right through the brain. I hate that some guy seems to be touching the naked mole rat with his bare hands. I would use gloves or a bullet or plastic explosives or something.
I HATE the movie Master of Disguise. When you watch this movie, you can tell that they were like, "Hey, let's not write a script for this movie. Let's just dress up Dana Carvey in different ridiculous outfits and see how funny he bes." And so then Dana Carvey puts on some outfit, and instead of being funny, he's all, "Hey look at me, walkin' around and wearin' a hilarious wig and being so flippety funny." And then they put Brent Spiner, (Star Trek's Data) in the role of the villain, and made his only joke the fact that he farts every time he lets out an evil laugh. And then he does it lots of and lots of times. This is hands down the worst movie I have ever experienced. It's doubly sad that it was in theatres at the same time as his old Wayne's World buddy's Austin Powers III, with the notable distinction that the latter was actually funny and successful. I worked in a movie theatre for a year, and this is the film for which I had the most people ask for their money back. Well, maybe it was tied with Jackass: The Movie. But the point is, they both sucked.
I Hate goats' eyes. Particularly this one, because of the white crud and the opaque, viscous fluids oozing from it, but really all goats' eyes in general. They have rectangular pupils, and you have to see them up close because they try to follow you around and eat your clothing. You can't really see the pupils here, so I'm gonna show you one more before I end this.
See? Even without the sludge coming out, I HATE goats' eyes. Now go away. I probably hate you, too.
I HATE capers. They grow near the ocean and they are disgusting. I had a macaroni salad one time, and it secretly had these little nasties in it. I made a big scene spitting it out. I just can't handle them. I mean, I hate a lot of foods, but this is the one I hate the most. So I hope you believe me that they are terrible terrible terribles.
I HATE Scrappy Doo. I have this secret suspicion that his middle name is the same as his last name. I know I'm bagging on a fellow Hannah-Barberian here, but this freakish little mutant version of Scooby needs to get dipped like in Roger Rabbit. He used to run around and yell "Puppy Power!" or "Put 'em up, put 'em up!" I'll tell you what you can put 'em up, Crappy Doo.
I HATE Squamous cell carcinoma. Okay, to be honest, I don't really know what it is, but I found this picture of it, and that's enough for me to say something.
I HATE Sporty Spice. Spice girls in general are a strange and foreign species. But at least they are funny, and hot. But then there is Sporty Spice. The difference between sporty and the rest of the Sisters Spice is that she is not hot. She is quite nasty, in fact. And I'm completely willing to overlook the fact that she's the one who can actually sing.
I HATE progeria. Progeria is a congenital disease that makes kids age at about ten time their natural rate. The kids usually die very young, after having become scary dried up husks reminiscent of the aliens in the awful McDonald's-funded 80s movie, Mac and Me. The worst thing is that these kids become demented before they go. Their skeletons never properly harden, so they spend most of their lives in bed. I also hate that that one kid's penis is showing.
I HATE Trekkies. Look at them. We'll start with the one on the left, whom I consider to be the most tragic case in this photo, solely because he looks like he could actually have a chance at a life. But no, there he is, dressed like the other freaks and sporting a tiny plastic toy gun. Or phaser if you will. The next three make me wonder whether some sort of gravity ray is on them. Or maybe they forgot to drink their V8 today. Most likely, though, is that the Klingon guy smells very, very, egregiously bad. To the woman: Intergalactic Ordinance #570034-87 clearly states: "If you are older than my mom, you don't go out in public in a short dress and whoreboots. Klingon guy, I hope you get your mother's gold blouse back in her closet before she notices it's missing. And I hope you go back into yours. The world doesn't need you.
I still HATE Trekkies. You do not let your children near a giant horrible fat alien like that. I don't care if it is his mother.
I HATE gay Trekkie couples with adopted mysteriously Asian Trekkie babies and 1980s haircuts. Why does this exist!?
I HATE naked mole rats. I hate that they are naked. I hate their nasty twelve nipples, primarily because they are nasty in and of themselves, but secondarily because their sheer number suggests the size of the litter. I hate the wrinkles. Anything that wrinkled should never be naked. I hate the teeth, the gums, and the lower lip, which I believe actually got chewed through. I hate that if these things stop breaking their teeth down on the rocks through which they dig, their nasty lower teeth just keep growing until they run right through the brain. I hate that some guy seems to be touching the naked mole rat with his bare hands. I would use gloves or a bullet or plastic explosives or something.
I HATE the movie Master of Disguise. When you watch this movie, you can tell that they were like, "Hey, let's not write a script for this movie. Let's just dress up Dana Carvey in different ridiculous outfits and see how funny he bes." And so then Dana Carvey puts on some outfit, and instead of being funny, he's all, "Hey look at me, walkin' around and wearin' a hilarious wig and being so flippety funny." And then they put Brent Spiner, (Star Trek's Data) in the role of the villain, and made his only joke the fact that he farts every time he lets out an evil laugh. And then he does it lots of and lots of times. This is hands down the worst movie I have ever experienced. It's doubly sad that it was in theatres at the same time as his old Wayne's World buddy's Austin Powers III, with the notable distinction that the latter was actually funny and successful. I worked in a movie theatre for a year, and this is the film for which I had the most people ask for their money back. Well, maybe it was tied with Jackass: The Movie. But the point is, they both sucked.
I Hate goats' eyes. Particularly this one, because of the white crud and the opaque, viscous fluids oozing from it, but really all goats' eyes in general. They have rectangular pupils, and you have to see them up close because they try to follow you around and eat your clothing. You can't really see the pupils here, so I'm gonna show you one more before I end this.
See? Even without the sludge coming out, I HATE goats' eyes. Now go away. I probably hate you, too.
Sunday, October 30, 2005
Smurf Needs
So the game is you type in your name with "needs" and quotes around the whole thing and then you copy and paste what comes up on the first twenty or so results. I did it with my real name on my other blog where I use my real name, and here I'll do it with "Smurf" so you can see how it works. I like it.
Dr. Smurf needs to heal my tight end's foot, so he plays Sunday.
Smurf needs your help!!
A baby dragon has an isatiable appetite for the glowberries Papa Smurf needs for his invisibility formula.
The smurf needs such a mask as the beekeepers have.
smurf needs assistance
If a smurf needs blood, call me, 'cause I bleed blue.
Smurf needs a place to work.
SMURF needs financial
Dr. Smurf needs to heal my tight end's foot, so he plays Sunday.
Smurf needs your help!!
A baby dragon has an isatiable appetite for the glowberries Papa Smurf needs for his invisibility formula.
The smurf needs such a mask as the beekeepers have.
smurf needs assistance
If a smurf needs blood, call me, 'cause I bleed blue.
Smurf needs a place to work.
SMURF needs financial
Monday, September 19, 2005
More Favorites
Well, I'm jumping on the bandwagon with the favorites lists that several friends have done. Tomorrow I'll tell you about my weekend, Wicked, and how I almost died, and the next day I'll talk about our upcoming choir concert. So....
Make-Believe Words:
1. Scandalicious (excitingly scandalous)
2. Hideodious (ugly and hate-worthy)
3. Festivate (party hardy)
4. Scrumtrulescent (so great words can't describe it)
5. Gratuition (scholarships and grants)
My Clothing:
1. T-shirt my secretary made that turns my real name into a dirty joke
2. Short-sleeved Trojans jacket purchased for ten pesos
3. Rugby shirt with number 24 on it
4. Peter Pan hat with feather and all
5. One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish tie
Classical Music:
1. Piano Concerto in A minor by Grieg
2. Moonlight Sonata by Beethoven
3. Canon in D by Pachelbel
4. Morning by Grieg
5. Saber Dance by Khachaturian
Animated Movies:
1. The Iron Giant
2. Hercules
3. The Nightmare Before Christmas
4. Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
5. The Incredibles
Scriptures:
1. Ecclesiastes 7:13--
Consider the work of God: for who can make that straight, which he hath made crooked?
2. Mark 11:24--
Therefore I say unto you, What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them.
3. Mark 5:36--
As soon as Jesus heard the word that was spoken, he saith unto the ruler of the synagogue, Be not afraid, only believe.
4. Mosiah 4:20--
And behold, even at this time, ye have been calling on his name, and begging for a remission of your sins. And has he suffered that ye have begged in vain? Nay; he has poured out his Spirit upon you, and has caused that your hearts should be filled with joy, and has caused that your mouths should be stopped that ye could not find utterance, so exceedingly great was your joy.
5. Doctrine and Covenants 50:24--
That which is of God is light; and he that receiveth light, and continueth in God, receiveth more light; and that light groweth brighter and brighter until the perfect day.
Evil Dictators:
1. Stalin
2. Hitler
3. Hussein
4. Napoleon
5. Castro
Colors:
1. Glow-in-the-Dark
2. Orange
3. Green
4. Purple
5. Oil Slick
Countries:
1. Madascar
2. Australia
3. Switzerland
4. Tajikistan
5. Lesotho
Comic Book Heroes:
1. The Confessor
2. Robin
3. Superman
4. Ice Man
5. Captain Marvel (Shazam!)
Fruit:
1. Raspberries
2. White Peaches
3. Bananas
4. Pineapple
5. Blackberries
Songs:
1. Foolish Games by Jewel
2. Light Up My Room by the Barenaked Ladies
3. Mad World by Gary Jules
4. Love You Madly by Cake
5. I am a Lighthouse by Nickel Creek
TV Shows:
1. 24
2. Jeopardy
3. Trailer Fabulous
4. The X-Files
5. The Muppet Show
Chao for now.
Make-Believe Words:
1. Scandalicious (excitingly scandalous)
2. Hideodious (ugly and hate-worthy)
3. Festivate (party hardy)
4. Scrumtrulescent (so great words can't describe it)
5. Gratuition (scholarships and grants)
My Clothing:
1. T-shirt my secretary made that turns my real name into a dirty joke
2. Short-sleeved Trojans jacket purchased for ten pesos
3. Rugby shirt with number 24 on it
4. Peter Pan hat with feather and all
5. One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish tie
Classical Music:
1. Piano Concerto in A minor by Grieg
2. Moonlight Sonata by Beethoven
3. Canon in D by Pachelbel
4. Morning by Grieg
5. Saber Dance by Khachaturian
Animated Movies:
1. The Iron Giant
2. Hercules
3. The Nightmare Before Christmas
4. Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
5. The Incredibles
Scriptures:
1. Ecclesiastes 7:13--
Consider the work of God: for who can make that straight, which he hath made crooked?
2. Mark 11:24--
Therefore I say unto you, What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them.
3. Mark 5:36--
As soon as Jesus heard the word that was spoken, he saith unto the ruler of the synagogue, Be not afraid, only believe.
4. Mosiah 4:20--
And behold, even at this time, ye have been calling on his name, and begging for a remission of your sins. And has he suffered that ye have begged in vain? Nay; he has poured out his Spirit upon you, and has caused that your hearts should be filled with joy, and has caused that your mouths should be stopped that ye could not find utterance, so exceedingly great was your joy.
5. Doctrine and Covenants 50:24--
That which is of God is light; and he that receiveth light, and continueth in God, receiveth more light; and that light groweth brighter and brighter until the perfect day.
Evil Dictators:
1. Stalin
2. Hitler
3. Hussein
4. Napoleon
5. Castro
Colors:
1. Glow-in-the-Dark
2. Orange
3. Green
4. Purple
5. Oil Slick
Countries:
1. Madascar
2. Australia
3. Switzerland
4. Tajikistan
5. Lesotho
Comic Book Heroes:
1. The Confessor
2. Robin
3. Superman
4. Ice Man
5. Captain Marvel (Shazam!)
Fruit:
1. Raspberries
2. White Peaches
3. Bananas
4. Pineapple
5. Blackberries
Songs:
1. Foolish Games by Jewel
2. Light Up My Room by the Barenaked Ladies
3. Mad World by Gary Jules
4. Love You Madly by Cake
5. I am a Lighthouse by Nickel Creek
TV Shows:
1. 24
2. Jeopardy
3. Trailer Fabulous
4. The X-Files
5. The Muppet Show
Chao for now.
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
Wild's Turn
These are some of my favorite animals. After I started collecting them, I realized there's a relationship between all the animals I love best. It's that they're all a little bit off. Just like all my favorite people. This little guy to the right is a fennec fox. I bet all the other animals make fun of him for those ears. Poor guy. And I bet he can hear them talking about him behind his back, since he can hear bugs crawling beneath several centimeters of sand and can distinguish between very subtle difference in his friends' vocalizations.
Over here on the left we have the California moray eel. That's a face only a mother could love. These things are so ugly, the only roommates they can find are the red rock shrimp, bottom-dwellers who clean up after the eels in exchange for the food they bring back in. The eels have huge nasty teeth, too. Bleh.
Below we have one of the most fascinating creatures in existence: the fossa! It's pronounced "foosa." This thing climbs trees and eats primarily lemurs. You have to find a nature documentary on Madagascar so you can see how these guys climb. They're so graceful. They wouldn't make it onto my animal outcast list, except that they are endangered and are relegated to living on one small island. I will own one some day.
Now over here we have that inbred, white trash salamander known as the hellbender. These things don't have gills; they just breathe through folds in their skin. They never complete metamorphosis, and their lungs are only used for bouyancy control. They live in the deep south, and their wives are larger than they are.
If crazy old Asian men were marsupials, they'd be koalas. Koalas might look cute to you, but I can tell that they're secretly grouchy. No matter when you see them, you can tell you just woke them up. They have bedhead, sour expressions, and sore throats. At least, I am guessing their throats are sore because of all the eucalyptus they're always chewing on. I bet they want us to go away and stop looking at them right now, so we're going to.
Most fat people I know just avoid the beach. The poor manatee, though has no choice. She must live there all year round, and naked, to boot! They are sometimes called sea cows, but I think they are sea dog-poops. All that extra fat helps to keep them warm, I guess, and it helps them to float. Plus, there's just more of them to love, huh?
Nobody knows what nature had eaten the day it barfed out the pangolin (left). Also known as the scaly anteater, it's the only mammal with scales. Its only hair is its eyelashes. A sad fact about the life of the pangolin: only once has a pangolin been discovered by humans with another pangolin. The two were in an underground burrow with a baby pangolin. Otherwise, this pathetic creature walks all alone at night, presumably so that the animals that aren't freaks can't see it. It eats nasty insects and climbs trees with its powerful tail, or digs using those sharp claws. You can find it in Africa or Asia.
I have a huge soft spot in my heart for this li'l feller. He's called the pink fairy armadillo. Yeah, that's right, it's an armadillo. He hails from Argentina, so everybody give him a warm "iHola!" So as though it weren't bad enough to be pink, fuzzy, and small enough to fit in the palm of your hand, they had to call him a fairy, too. The saddest thing about this creature's existence, though, is the fact that scientists haven't been able to find any impact this thing has on its ecological system. If all the fairy armadillos dropped off the face of the earth, nobody would ever notice. Sorry, fairyboy. You matter to me. Almost.
Speaking of fairies, did you know that the male sea horse has the babies? Poor guy is totally whipped. His wife probably goes to work or hangs around in sand bars all day while the guy stays home and changes diapers, tries to keep the sea stable clean, and have 36,000 live baby shrimp ready for the seamare to eat by the time she gets home. They have to eat that much live shrimp every day! If they eat dead food they die. They swim too slowly to catch anything, so instead they use their little snouts as vacuums to suck up the food, with pretty good accuracy up to one inch. The horsey you see to the left there is a lined sea horse. See how forlorn he looks? That's because evolution somehow screwed him up and his body is not very hydrodynamic at all. Plus he knows that beastly wife of his is coming home soon, and he's just been sitting on the couch watching Orka all day.
The sea horse is not a real horse.
You know that one crazy cousin or uncle who never gets invited to family reunions? Meet the secretary bird. This is actually a bird of prey, though his closest relatives, such as the eagle, the osprey, and the peregrine falcon, would love to keep that a secret from you. And who wouldn't? He's got a drab grey coat, acne-esque skin, capris, a stupid hairdo, and worst of all, those ridiculous gangly legs. It's no wonder he's stuck with the job of secretary to the other, cooler birds. I bet the other birds call him "secretary nerd." He even wears a pocket protector. Or at least I'm sure he would if he wore pockets. And one time the kite locked him in his own locker and he was in there for two periods before they found him. He didn't mind, though, because he missed gym class. He eats snakes and rodents, and is so lazy he prefers to walk everywhere, even though he can totally fly.
The black swan has it pretty rough. When swans migrate, the black swan has to give up his spot for a white swan and fly in the back of the V. Haha, no, just kidding. Swans don't form V's, but I thought that would be funny to say that. The black swan does have a lot of parallels with the black inner-city youth, though. He communicates by visual signs, for one, and sticks together with other black swans throughout the adolescent years until a mate is selected. He is also bigger than other swans and is really good at basketball. Holy cow, I'm going to get into so much trouble for this one. On to the next animal, before some swans do a drive-by on my house.
You probably didn't know this animal exists, but I have wanted one for years. It's a kangaroo. But not the red or grey kangaroos you're probably more familiar with. This is a tree kangaroo. Isn't it other-worldly? If I owned him, I would name him Fuzzbucket. He's especially good at jumping back and forth between the trees in the upper levels of the rainforests of Australia and the surrounding islands. My theory is that the other, bigger kangaroos chased him out of the wide open outback and he had to go hide from them in the tops of the trees. And he will be mine some day. Oh, yes. He will be mine.
Ok, I leave you with two pictures of the animal I want most of all. He's called the kinkajou, and if anyone has a few thousand dollars he's dying to spend on my birthday, he can glean some inspiration from these photos. Kinkajous are nocturnal in the wild, but diurnal as pets. They can live up to 24 years in captivity, so you can count this as all my birthday presents until I'm 48. And they just eat fruit, so it's really easy to shop for them. Please please please somebody get me one. If this doesn't work, I'm writing Santa.
Well, folks, That's the end of Wild Smurf's animal tour for today. Maybe in the future he'll team up with grouchy and tell you about his least favorite animals. For now, I'm going to be over there in the corner dealing with the fact that I've just realized that I want to be a TV host for a children's educational animal program instead of anything realistic.
Saturday, August 27, 2005
My Personal Naked Ladies
Just so you know, I do intend to finish up the summer. BUT I started typing up the next week and the computer crashed, and I haven't yet been able to muster up the energy to redo it. For now, though, I am going to do a little thing I found on a friend's website. It goes like this: you pick a band, and then you answer questions about yourself using only the titles of songs by the band. And I bet you can guess which band I chose.
My Personal Spree
Choose a band / artist and answer ONLY in titles of their songs:
1. Barenaked Ladies
2. Are you male or female: Good Boy
3. Describe yourself: Shoebox of Lies
4. How do some people feel about you: Just a Toy
5. How do you feel about yourself: The Wrong Man was Convicted; Am I the Only One?
6. Describe your ex boyfriend / girlfriend: Maybe Katie
7. Describe current boyfriend / girlfriend: Have you Seen my Love?
8. Describe where you want to be: Off the Hook
9. Describe how you live: Life in a Nutshell: Testing, 1,2,3
10. Describe how you love: Never Do Anything; Too Little, Too Late; Never is Enough
11. What would you ask for if you had just one wish: If I had $1,000,000
12. Share a few words of Wisdom: Who Needs Sleep?
13. Now say goodbye: Leave; Go Home
Thursday, May 12, 2005
Scaredy's Turn
Well, Scaredy wants to take over for today, to share with all of you the things he's afraid of. Here you go, little guy.
Okay, let's list them off.
#1:
Cats. These things terrify me. They are just tiny little dragons with fur. Why does no one recognize this? Their eyes burn like brimstone in the dark. They are witches in disguise. And there is nothing scarier than a shaved naked cat in the dark. Or so I imagine.
#2:
It was 2002. I was working as the guy who splices the movies together in a movie theatre. Part of my job was staying after all the movies got out and watching the ones I'd just spliced to make sure they were working okay and in the right order. One night, I spliced together M. Night Shyamalan's third major motion picture, "Signs." I ended up watching the movie alone in an empty movie theatre at 1:00 a.m. I believe I might have gone completely mad that night. I screamed and screamed and screamed, curled up into a ball in my seat, yelled at the screen, and clutched the soda-stained arms of my seat in white-knuckle horror. Eventually the film reached its rather uplifting climax, and then the movie ended. I was frozen to my seat. Before I could get up, I found myself hitting the seat next to me to make sure there wasn't a camouflaged alien sitting there. I ran upstairs to the cobweb-laden projection room (more labyrinth than room, I assert) put away the film, and ran willy-nilly all the way back down the stairs, and outside. I took a stick off the ground and poked around in the back seat of the car to see if there was anything there before getting in. On the way home, I got stopped by a languid train out in the countryside, right in front of a cornfield for about ten minutes. I rolled down my window and yelled at the corn, "I KNOW YOU"RE THERE! YOU STAY AWAY FROM ME!" I figured if I were wrong, then nobody would hear me making a fool of myself anyway. Then I looked up at the creepily ethereal train for which I was still waiting, and seemed to see an ectomorphic figure watching me from atop the caboose. I screamed aloud again, and rolled up the window as fast as it would go. I was really regretting at this point that I lived by myself. When I got home, I turned on all the lights in the house and eventually fell asleep in the bathroom (there were no windows in there). The next morning, I was still terrified by light of day. I found myself checking behind doors, leaving unfinished glasses of water on random pieces of furniture, and eventually sheepishly calling a friend and having him come over so I would have my mind on other things. I swear this is the only time I've ever been terrified even after the movie (except for when I was ten and my parents showed us "Night of the Living Dead," but I think I can cite my age as an excuse on that one). Somehow it tapped into something I wasn't even aware of and scared me to pieces.
#3:
Okay, I know you might think I'm joking, but have you ever seen one of these things walk? Yeah, it's slow, but it's also terrifying. And they're actually incredibly fast swimmers. And those claws! Look at them! I heard that sloths are so strong that if one grabs onto your arm, you have to cut the sloth off. I am never letting one of these catch me. Never!
#4:
Disembodied hands. I fear hands crawling on me more than anything. It probably has to do with my dad's habit of drawing a smiley face on his hand before spanking us and saying in a chipper tone, "Mr. Spanky Hand is coming!" I can't even watch the Addam's Family. If you sit next to me with your hand on the table, then start running it toward me, I will probably scream and stab or smash it. You've been warned.
#5:
Midgets. That's right, folks. The wee ones scare me to pieces. I suppose this is all the fault of Vaughan the Evil Midget, an acquaintance from elementary and high school. Once at the mall, I decided I should try to get over my fear of the nasty midgets, so I found one and walked very closely behind her for a little while. I kept trying to get myself to go closer and closer. The problem was, she was taking only the shortest little steps, and I started moving my legs only from the knees down. Soon I fell over, and she turned around to help me up, and extended her midget hand, and I just screamed and scrabbled away as fast as I could go without looking back. Shudder.
#6:
Okay, this is the hardest one for me to do. Spiders. I HATE them. I am so very very afraid of them. Man, this kills me. I almost threw up just then. Even sitting here just thinking about them, I keep hitting my leg every time there's an itch and being very afraid. Okay, breathe. Once, when I was little, a spider had somehow placed its egg sac on the head of my toothbrush. I didn't notice until I had the toothbrush in my hand and literally hundreds of baby spiders running down my forearm. I couldn't seem to get them all off. Oh, man, I hate reliving this. I think I've been scaredy for long enough today. Freaking spider-like itches.
Until next time, Scaredy Smurf
Okay, let's list them off.
#1:
Cats. These things terrify me. They are just tiny little dragons with fur. Why does no one recognize this? Their eyes burn like brimstone in the dark. They are witches in disguise. And there is nothing scarier than a shaved naked cat in the dark. Or so I imagine.
#2:
It was 2002. I was working as the guy who splices the movies together in a movie theatre. Part of my job was staying after all the movies got out and watching the ones I'd just spliced to make sure they were working okay and in the right order. One night, I spliced together M. Night Shyamalan's third major motion picture, "Signs." I ended up watching the movie alone in an empty movie theatre at 1:00 a.m. I believe I might have gone completely mad that night. I screamed and screamed and screamed, curled up into a ball in my seat, yelled at the screen, and clutched the soda-stained arms of my seat in white-knuckle horror. Eventually the film reached its rather uplifting climax, and then the movie ended. I was frozen to my seat. Before I could get up, I found myself hitting the seat next to me to make sure there wasn't a camouflaged alien sitting there. I ran upstairs to the cobweb-laden projection room (more labyrinth than room, I assert) put away the film, and ran willy-nilly all the way back down the stairs, and outside. I took a stick off the ground and poked around in the back seat of the car to see if there was anything there before getting in. On the way home, I got stopped by a languid train out in the countryside, right in front of a cornfield for about ten minutes. I rolled down my window and yelled at the corn, "I KNOW YOU"RE THERE! YOU STAY AWAY FROM ME!" I figured if I were wrong, then nobody would hear me making a fool of myself anyway. Then I looked up at the creepily ethereal train for which I was still waiting, and seemed to see an ectomorphic figure watching me from atop the caboose. I screamed aloud again, and rolled up the window as fast as it would go. I was really regretting at this point that I lived by myself. When I got home, I turned on all the lights in the house and eventually fell asleep in the bathroom (there were no windows in there). The next morning, I was still terrified by light of day. I found myself checking behind doors, leaving unfinished glasses of water on random pieces of furniture, and eventually sheepishly calling a friend and having him come over so I would have my mind on other things. I swear this is the only time I've ever been terrified even after the movie (except for when I was ten and my parents showed us "Night of the Living Dead," but I think I can cite my age as an excuse on that one). Somehow it tapped into something I wasn't even aware of and scared me to pieces.
#3:
Okay, I know you might think I'm joking, but have you ever seen one of these things walk? Yeah, it's slow, but it's also terrifying. And they're actually incredibly fast swimmers. And those claws! Look at them! I heard that sloths are so strong that if one grabs onto your arm, you have to cut the sloth off. I am never letting one of these catch me. Never!
#4:
Disembodied hands. I fear hands crawling on me more than anything. It probably has to do with my dad's habit of drawing a smiley face on his hand before spanking us and saying in a chipper tone, "Mr. Spanky Hand is coming!" I can't even watch the Addam's Family. If you sit next to me with your hand on the table, then start running it toward me, I will probably scream and stab or smash it. You've been warned.
#5:
Midgets. That's right, folks. The wee ones scare me to pieces. I suppose this is all the fault of Vaughan the Evil Midget, an acquaintance from elementary and high school. Once at the mall, I decided I should try to get over my fear of the nasty midgets, so I found one and walked very closely behind her for a little while. I kept trying to get myself to go closer and closer. The problem was, she was taking only the shortest little steps, and I started moving my legs only from the knees down. Soon I fell over, and she turned around to help me up, and extended her midget hand, and I just screamed and scrabbled away as fast as I could go without looking back. Shudder.
#6:
Okay, this is the hardest one for me to do. Spiders. I HATE them. I am so very very afraid of them. Man, this kills me. I almost threw up just then. Even sitting here just thinking about them, I keep hitting my leg every time there's an itch and being very afraid. Okay, breathe. Once, when I was little, a spider had somehow placed its egg sac on the head of my toothbrush. I didn't notice until I had the toothbrush in my hand and literally hundreds of baby spiders running down my forearm. I couldn't seem to get them all off. Oh, man, I hate reliving this. I think I've been scaredy for long enough today. Freaking spider-like itches.
Until next time, Scaredy Smurf
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