Friday, September 24, 2004


I have these four roommates who are all domestic. They grow their own herbs to make pesto, they sit there with their special little appliances and cook elaborate dinners for one. Last night it was split pea soup from scratch. Now, I understand it probably tastes better than Campbell's, but I can't at all imagine that it's so much better that it's worth the effort.

So tonight, at 3:30 a.m., I decided to try to cook some Rice-a-Roni. I freak out whenever I have to follow directions, so I was already in a bad way. I poured the rice vermicelli mix into the stupid medium-sized sauce pan, as i was supposed to. I took the butter out of the fridge, but I dropped about two tablespoons of it onto the floor when I was cutting it. I turned the stove onto medium and began to brown the little worms. Then I realized that I was going to need some water measured out, and due to my cognizance of my Non-verbal Learning Disorder, I began to panic. You see, I have no idea how big two and a half cups is. I grabbed a bowl from the cupboard and filled it, but I couldn't tell at all if I was even close. So then I went frantically looking for a measuring cup. I found a little graduated pitcher thing, but it was full of cinnamon and sugar. Then I decided to pour the cinnamon and sugar into a nearby bowl. Unfortunately, the bowl was some kind of small sieve, and my roommate's sugar mix dumped all over the floor and stuck to the butter. By the time I got the pitcher cleaned out, I turned around and the rice was ON FIRE. Luckily, I had recently broken the smoke alarm, so my roommates didn't have to wake up. I just grabbed the pan and stuck it outside on the porch. The house reeks of burned butter and noodles. That was my last box of food. Now I must resort to either going to bed hungry, or going to the grocery store. I'll probably do the latter. At least i can pick up that pan on my way back in.

The question is why am I so incompetent when it comes to cooking? It is impossible for me. I have ruined over twenty boxes of rice-a-Roni in my lifetime. Gosh! I hate it! So uneconomical. And there's Jayson, totally cooking soup in three separate pans. Of all my shortcomings, this is the one that renders me the most helpless. I have no idea where to turn for help.


Anonymous said...

im never gonna read that cuz its too long!

Christmas Smurf said...

Do you mean the post is too long, or the individual words? Idiot.

Bored Engineer said...

I'll come over and make you rice-a-roni.