Thursday, November 24, 2005

Thankfulness II

Once again, things for which I'm thankful:

That it hasn't really snowed here yet.
All the Thanksgiving dinner invitations I got.
My new Nickel Creek CD.
That Novel Concept is getting season 4 of 24 on DVD for me to watch with the Neverbird.
That my brothers are married.
Pockets full of candy to give to strangers in a creepy voice.
That the library finally noticed that I quit.
Text twist.
Chocolate oranges.
That my home town was gioven a perfect Clean Air rating.
Musical theatre.
That drag queens really mostly freak me out.
That I can claim 2 on my tax forms.
That I'm still not an Eskimo (no offence, Hero and Moose).
My books.
That Wiggle's crayon box is still in the same order in which I put it about a year ago.
My ward, which is really fantastic.
National Board Game Week, which is this week.
Artificial strawberry flavoring.
My rock collection.
That I have enough clothing to cover a whole east African village.
Happiness in general, and my seemingly expanded capacity to feel it.
Catching polliwogs.
The sticky feeling on the floor of movie theatres.
Quaking aspens, quaking.
Cultural halls with the lights off, and running in them.
My mission companions, and the crazy promise I was given about them.
The Animaniacs, and how they helped me get an answer in Trivial Pursuit the other day.
My free engagement ring.
Little kids.
The future.
That the Neverbird and I seem to have the same taste in almost everything.
That she gets me.
My dad, and how much he wants the best for us, even if he's not sure what that means.
All of my wonderful friends.
Jonah chapter 4.
My roommate Brad and how understanding he's been with the whole bills thing.
That Toasteroven was able to cut my cell phone debt down to $260 somehow.
The Rice King restaurant.
Smiling strangers on BYU campus.
How weird my roommate Eric is, when we all expected he'd be the normal one.
Hot water heaters.
$2.50 sandwiches at Subway.
Dan and the film-making projects we've been working on.
Banana split flavored ice cream.
My duct tape wallet, and Nick for teaching me to make things with the stuff.
Allison, my dad's ex-girlfriend, because she still cares so much.
When the sunlight comes in all slanted, but very bright, like right now.
That I'm not an expatriate.
That juice comes out of fruit.
The Muppet Movie.

Happy Thanksgiving, friends.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Party Favors

Birthdays are great! I totally indulged myself in amazing people for my birthday. The Neverbird took me out to eat, and it was my choice, so we ended up at Chik-Fil-A, since that's what I was craving. To me, that's one of the more up-scale fast food joints. She got me the new Nickel Creek CD (listening to it right now). Plus some candy. Her roommate sent me a check for ten dollars. Then we came back to my place to get ready for the party.

So, I've decided the best way to report on this party is to give out awards. This will be like that annoying thing they did in the pinewood derby in cub scouts where everyone gets an award, even if it has to be very obviously made-up just so everyone feels special.

Most enthusiastic about Taboo: Red Leader
Most inexplicably upset about getting buzzed in Taboo for saying "state" when "United States" was clearly on the list, but also giver of best new violet-blue sweater and all-around good guy: Chris
Funniest overall: Squirrell, who also rocks at Taboo.
Most likely to have said things only with the vain hope to see them end up on my blog: Hero
Strangerishest: Some guy called "Rob" that seemed to come with Red Leader
Most awesome to watch in group situations because he's always so visibly aware of what's appropriate in any situation: Pinetree
Most noticeably absent: Racherella
Purveyor of the nastiest food (tofu): 'Dice
Best magma red personality: Moose
Most embarassing gift ("In the Shadows of the Net: Breaking Free of Compulsive Online Sexual Behavior"): Blue Shorts (followed closely by the rainbow suspenders from Pinetree)
Bluest at the party, plus awesomest new toy (some sort of tiny, ultra-bright blue light on a carimexican): Blueberry
Best Trivial Pursuit card-reading voice (okay, that was Sunday, but the effects held over): Scotty E
Best manipulation of the thimble game to get her seat next to me back, plus major cool points for knowing the name of Splinter before he turned into a rat: Neverbird
Longest-desired present (newest Astro City comic collection): Wiggle
Nicest surprise to have there: Toasteroven
Traveled the farthest (from Tennessee): Russell
Most fantastically awesome roommate (provided all the pizzas and sodas and actually came): BAWB
Nicest on-line birthday wishes: Allison, my dad's ex, then El Veneno.
Weirdest on-line birthday wishes: Party Smurf, who is secretly just another incarnation of Buh.
Cutest answering machine message: The Maggot, as prompted by Mustard, singing "Happy Birthday." Close second to Topsie and Boston, who called from the line of Space Mountain, and left a sort of conjoined message. A distant third goes out to Gravy, who said that he'd sent a package this morning.
Most adorable gift (a wrapped cookie with a candle Scotch taped to the top): My home teacher.
Biggest apology to: Purple Brad, who tried to take me out to lunch but couldn't get me alone for long enough. Second place to whomever I've forgotten. I'm sure there must be somebody.

I also heard from Ouija, Nanny, my Dad, and Nanny's wife. Dad's in rehab. Fat Aunt Carol reports that he lost his job, yet again. No surprise given the state he seems to have been in according to his recent blog entries. He reports that he's getting disability now. I don't know how I feel about that on a moral level, but I'm sure glad I he's not going to be homeless. I was worried about that.

Man, I hope all you people know how much I love you, and how much you're the reason I love life. I need you in my life more, with all of your idiosyncracies. And Hero, you know I love you, man. The party was indeed better because of your presence.

Also, most awkward moment: when everyone demanded a story. I shared the one about Jennifer Ortiz, and Roy, and the horrible trick my brother Ouija played on me, and the horrible thing Buh said. I've been meaning to tell that story on here since it happened in August. Some day soon, I'll finish talking about the summer, promise. At any rate, I'm once again too tired to spellcheck. Goodnight.

Saturday, November 19, 2005


Someone asked me how I know the Neverbird is my girlfriend if we've never really discussed it. Fair question.

So one night, The Neverbird was droppng me off after burritos, and I said, "Oh, shoot! I forgot I was supposed to do my home teaching tonight!"

"That's not good," said the Neverbird.

"Well, actually, I was supposed to do it last night, but my companion went out with his girlfriend." Only after I said it did I realize I'd put the extra emphasis on the word "his."

"Well, turnabout is fair play," she recited. And that's how I know. You gotta love relationships between linguists, huh?

So while we were sitting in the theatre waiting for Harry Potter to start, various groups kept singing Happy Birthday to one of their members. The Neverbird threatened to get everyone singing to ME, since my birthday is on Tuesday (and all are invited to the party at 7, location TBA) butinstead we started talking about the odds of som many people having birthdays during this time, and I pointed out that we are Valentine's Day babies. She laughed at that and said she never really thought to count back to the date of conception. The she told me that she had come early, because her mother had gone into shock, and consequently, labor.

"What happened?" I asked.

"Well... my grandfather was called as an apostle."

I said "No way" before that really even registered. Then I said, "Your grandfather is an apostle!? Which one?"

She replied sheepishly that it was Elder Nelson.

Okay, so flash back to last weekend when we went to play games at her house. She was showing me the pictures of her family on the wall, and there was a big picture of Elder Nelson in the middle of it. Like, the exact same picture they always use in the church magazines and stuff. So I couldn't figure out why they'd just randomly have an apostle up there, and so I asked who it was.

"That's my grandfather," she responded.

"Oh. Okay." So her grandfather just looks like Elder Nelson. I almost said "He looks like Elder Nelson," but I wasn't sure if that was the right apostle, and I didn't want to look dumb. Funny, because I did anyway, I'm sure. I've just never met anyone before who's related to an apostle, so it didn't seem possible in my mind. That, and I alwas think of all of the apostles as being SUPER DUPER old and having, like great- great- great-grandchildren around. I guess I get them mixed up with the pioneers in my head. Oh, well.

Anyway, turns out the Neverbird and her grandfather are pretty tight. I'm going up to his summer home tonight to play games with all the cousins on that side.

And things are going really, remakable well with the two of us. I'm really exited to see what happens next. This girl is amazing. She is funny, sensitive to the spirit, aware of others, lively, and beautiful. She won an Olympic medal in thumb wrestling in the sixth grade. She studies Enflish and employs impeccable grammar.

Most attractive of all is the way she is with her younger siblings. Her mother passed away when she was ten, and as the second child and only girl in a family of five children, she ended up having to take charge of a lot of things in the home. She's now in college, but her relationship with her brothers impresses me. She goes and sees their plays, and she knows when their soccer games are and how they're doing in school. Her brothers are really cool kids, and seem so very well adjusted, which is impressive, considering they didn't have a mom around when they were growing up.

Anyway, enough of my gushing for today. I just felt the need to report on this, finally, since it's the best thing that's happening to me lately. Next time I'll probably tell you about my new job, since that's the second-best thing that's happening to me these days. Sayonara.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Grouchy Gripes Again

More Things I Hate:

I HATE capers. They grow near the ocean and they are disgusting. I had a macaroni salad one time, and it secretly had these little nasties in it. I made a big scene spitting it out. I just can't handle them. I mean, I hate a lot of foods, but this is the one I hate the most. So I hope you believe me that they are terrible terrible terribles.

I HATE Scrappy Doo. I have this secret suspicion that his middle name is the same as his last name. I know I'm bagging on a fellow Hannah-Barberian here, but this freakish little mutant version of Scooby needs to get dipped like in Roger Rabbit. He used to run around and yell "Puppy Power!" or "Put 'em up, put 'em up!" I'll tell you what you can put 'em up, Crappy Doo.

I HATE Squamous cell carcinoma. Okay, to be honest, I don't really know what it is, but I found this picture of it, and that's enough for me to say something.

I HATE Sporty Spice. Spice girls in general are a strange and foreign species. But at least they are funny, and hot. But then there is Sporty Spice. The difference between sporty and the rest of the Sisters Spice is that she is not hot. She is quite nasty, in fact. And I'm completely willing to overlook the fact that she's the one who can actually sing.

I HATE progeria. Progeria is a congenital disease that makes kids age at about ten time their natural rate. The kids usually die very young, after having become scary dried up husks reminiscent of the aliens in the awful McDonald's-funded 80s movie, Mac and Me. The worst thing is that these kids become demented before they go. Their skeletons never properly harden, so they spend most of their lives in bed. I also hate that that one kid's penis is showing.

I HATE Trekkies. Look at them. We'll start with the one on the left, whom I consider to be the most tragic case in this photo, solely because he looks like he could actually have a chance at a life. But no, there he is, dressed like the other freaks and sporting a tiny plastic toy gun. Or phaser if you will. The next three make me wonder whether some sort of gravity ray is on them. Or maybe they forgot to drink their V8 today. Most likely, though, is that the Klingon guy smells very, very, egregiously bad. To the woman: Intergalactic Ordinance #570034-87 clearly states: "If you are older than my mom, you don't go out in public in a short dress and whoreboots. Klingon guy, I hope you get your mother's gold blouse back in her closet before she notices it's missing. And I hope you go back into yours. The world doesn't need you.

I still HATE Trekkies. You do not let your children near a giant horrible fat alien like that. I don't care if it is his mother.

I HATE gay Trekkie couples with adopted mysteriously Asian Trekkie babies and 1980s haircuts. Why does this exist!?

I HATE naked mole rats. I hate that they are naked. I hate their nasty twelve nipples, primarily because they are nasty in and of themselves, but secondarily because their sheer number suggests the size of the litter. I hate the wrinkles. Anything that wrinkled should never be naked. I hate the teeth, the gums, and the lower lip, which I believe actually got chewed through. I hate that if these things stop breaking their teeth down on the rocks through which they dig, their nasty lower teeth just keep growing until they run right through the brain. I hate that some guy seems to be touching the naked mole rat with his bare hands. I would use gloves or a bullet or plastic explosives or something.

I HATE the movie Master of Disguise. When you watch this movie, you can tell that they were like, "Hey, let's not write a script for this movie. Let's just dress up Dana Carvey in different ridiculous outfits and see how funny he bes." And so then Dana Carvey puts on some outfit, and instead of being funny, he's all, "Hey look at me, walkin' around and wearin' a hilarious wig and being so flippety funny." And then they put Brent Spiner, (Star Trek's Data) in the role of the villain, and made his only joke the fact that he farts every time he lets out an evil laugh. And then he does it lots of and lots of times. This is hands down the worst movie I have ever experienced. It's doubly sad that it was in theatres at the same time as his old Wayne's World buddy's Austin Powers III, with the notable distinction that the latter was actually funny and successful. I worked in a movie theatre for a year, and this is the film for which I had the most people ask for their money back. Well, maybe it was tied with Jackass: The Movie. But the point is, they both sucked.

I Hate goats' eyes. Particularly this one, because of the white crud and the opaque, viscous fluids oozing from it, but really all goats' eyes in general. They have rectangular pupils, and you have to see them up close because they try to follow you around and eat your clothing. You can't really see the pupils here, so I'm gonna show you one more before I end this.

See? Even without the sludge coming out, I HATE goats' eyes. Now go away. I probably hate you, too.

When in Doubt, Mumble

That's what yesterday's fortune cookie said. There's nothing quite like walking to a Chinese buffet in the freezing rain and eating by yourself, thank goodness.

"KOLKATA, India - A woman receiving treatment for diabetes at a state-run hospital in eastern India lost one of her eyes after ants nibbled away at it, officials said on Tuesday.

"The patient recovering from a post-surgery infection shrieked for help as the ants attacked her on Sunday night, but nurses told her it was normal to feel pain from the infection.

"On Monday, the patient’s family saw a gaping hole with swarming ants in it when they lifted the bandage on her left eye."

Mom and Mack have decided to buy a fire truck. Fluorescent green. "We put Santa up there and drive around in the Thanksgiving Parade!" I am afraid I'm doomed to be like this my whole life. I guess it shouldn't shock me any more. Not since my youngest brother decided to get rid of his bed and start sleeping in a dentist's chair.

"Did your tooth fall out!?" the freshman girl said to my friend Squirrell, just as the elevator doors were shutting. Squirrell looked down at the folds of his pirate costume to see if there was indeed a tooth on his person. We were halfway done with trick-or-treating, and we'd been given a LOT of the same generic Costco-brand hard candy, so it was possible.

Either she noticed how confused he seemed, or she thought he was gesturing toward his pirate costume with his chin, because she followed it right up with an enthusiatic "Oh! Did you black it out?"

Awkward. Because Moose, the Neverbird, and I (the four of us had all come to the freshman dorms together to hit them up for their extra candy or ewhatever else they might have there) knew what the girl didn't know. What Squirrell told her then, with his best wounded-looking face: "No. I have a gap in my teeth." Like I said, awkward. I loved it.

My roommate told me a joke:

The devil is taking someone on a tour of Hell and showing him the various rooms, as he is wont to do in so many jokes. So the guy keeps asking what's in each room. Here are the devil's responses:

"Here is where we keep the Hindus who ate beef.... This room is for the Mormons who drank coffee and tea.... This one is for the Jews and Moslems who ate pork.... And this one? It's for the Episcopalians who ate their salad with the dinner fork."

Went to the planetarium on a date with the Neverbird. The woman who gave the presentation was the most hideous basement-dwelling nerd you can imagine. You know the girls you see around campus who never take care of themselves, and then they mope to their roommates about how no boys even look at them? The type that all the boys go out of their way to avoid looking at? The kind for whom kindly visiting teachers anonymously leave bottles of conditioner on the doorstep? The kind who show up at the Good Will on the day the new used clothes arrive so they can pick the rack clean of frumpy, over-sized Eeyore sweatshirts? This lady was that type. Only now grown up, teaching at BYU, still unmarried, and with even worse posture than you'd expect. Like those moles on Super Mario World. Anyway, now that I've painted the picture, I can splain what happened.

So the lights were out, and she started talking about how difficult it is to prove the existence of extrasolar planets when we aren't even sure how many planets there are orbiting our sun. I shuddered, then whispered to the Neverbird that there are few things more terrifying than hearing that woman utter the words, "our sun." We got into all kinds of trouble that night for not being able to stop laughing. Actually, that happens pretty much everywhere we go. I contemplated dressing up as slim goodbody when we went to an organ concert in SLC. "OH!" I would gasp. "I think there has been a terrible misunderstanding."

Ah, life. I'm excited for Harry Potter. We're dressing up for that one. The Neverbird has robes and wands and everything.

Next Sunday I am speaking at a ward fireside. You all should come, if you can. I'll be telling a pretty interesting story. It'll be one I've never told on my blog. Anyway, that's all for now. It seems the more fodder I have for blogging, the less time I have in which to do it. Such a conundrum.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

The Exorcism of Scaredy Smurf

So last night I woke up at 5:00 a.m. because there was a fire in our apartment. The smell of the smoke knocked me out of slumber hard. I jumped out of bed, and ran to the kitchen. I checked the oven, but it wasn't coming from there. I checked the smoke detector in the hall, but it seemed everything was all right with that. I checked the iron, but it was unplugged. Then I realized the smell of smoke wasn't out in the hallway; it must be coming from our room. I went back in there, but it didn't smell in there, either. I had dreamed the whole thing, it seemed.

I got a new job today. I'll be making ten dollars per hour, which is a lot better than the library, and my hours are better hours, too. The job might suck, but at least I can earn some cash, huh? And maybe I'll really like it.

I saw The exorcism of Emily Rose tonight. In it, three of the characters wake up in a panic in the middle of the night, sure they can smell smoke, but completely unable to locate the source of the fire. In each case, this is the first step the demons take in haunting the person, and in Emily Rose's case, it's leads eventually to her possesion by six demons, and then her violent death. My first girlfriend back in 8th grade was named "Emily Rose." I have a cousin named that, as well. Odd.

Anyway, nobody be surprised if I end up with scary black eyes, losing teeth as I try to chew through the wall. Or if Asmond has simply taken up smoking.

Monday, November 07, 2005

The Best (Worst) of Gargamel

Hmmm, as long as I, Gargamel, have been given control over this stupid blog (thanks, Wiggle) I think I'll hold on to it for a while. Here's the best of the things I wrote as Gargamel when I was a writer for the 100 Hour Board. Hope you hate it. (For those who don't get what the Board is, it's a question and answer place, and I used to answer the questions. So I'll give you the questions asked, followed each time by the answer I gave.)

QDear 100 Hour Board,
What is the coolest thing I could do for a guy with out spending very much money. Baking cookies and the usual, what every girl does ideas don't count. I am looking for the best thing to do for cheap that would make the guy go, "wow, that was nice." or better yet, "She must really care, maybe I can take a hint."
- Tinker Bell

ADear Tink,
You could wash his car, or do something useful. You could write him a kind note. You could cook him some spaghetti. You could start to do some of the menial every-day tasks of life for him, like buying groceries or opening the mail. You could start a journal of what he was wearing that day, and you can also write down everything he said to you or near you, and then after a few weeks, you can leave the journal somewhere where he can stumble across it, like his underwear drawer. Make sure you make it cute with puff paint and glitter. I know that a lot of guys have a hard time getting to bed on time, so another idea would be to sit outside his bedroom window at night, and watch him until he goes to bed. If he starts staying up past the time that is good for him, you can call him from your cell phone. Everyone could use a friendly reminder from time to time. Now, don't say anything at that point, because that might be too obvious that you like him. But if you remain completely silent, he might just think it was a wrong number and ignore it and stay up late. You're better off making some sort of noise, like heavy breathing, grunting, or slurping. Soon he'll come to realize that that's just an admirer's friendly little way of reminding him that it's bed time. Another cool thing would be to get samples of his hair, and have genetic tests run on them to see if there are any congenital birth defects he should be aware of. What guy wouldn't be appreciative of that much effort? If there are extra hairs, or if the tests turn out to be too expensive, you can tape them into the journal before you slip it in with his tighty-whities. The coolest thing of all would be to clandestinely take a picture of him and photoshop it into an engagement picture of yourself. I recommend the kind where you are in a tree and you're dressed in matching denim vests--very classy. Then send out the invitations to everybody (don't forget his friends and family--you might need to "borrow" his address book for that one while you're in his room delivering the journal). You should also buy yourself a ring. Then a real marriage proposal to you would seem the natural thing to do! Just imagine how a guy would feel when he found out he didn't have to buy you a ring or worry about the invitations. He'll be pleased as punch. If you send him all those signs, and he still doesn't get it, hurt him. Just a little bit. Maybe then he'll come around. Well, I am out of my mind today.

QDear 100 Hour Board,
Does anyone else find it weird that someone would keep pictures of ex girlfriends in their wallet?(And we're not talking the last person they dated. We're talking 7 years ago in high school.)
Miss Bojangles

ADear Miss Bojangles,
I don't think it's weird. Sounds like a pretty good way for him to show other guys what a stud he is. You know, like how hunters put those heads on the wall.

QDear 100 Hour Board,
Every year my friends and I celebrate Festivus and have a huge party involving feats of strength. My question is, what are some ideas for games involving feats of strength?
- (speedraycr who is also BLoG)

ADear BLoG,
Pick each other up by the hair. Stop traffic with your bare hands. Strangle a bear just until it passes out. Catch pennies that people have dropped off the Empire State buildind with the soft spots on your skulls. Have a tug-of-war with your friend's truck on the freeway (you might need to tie yourself to the end of the rope for this one). Play catch with an anvil. See who can keep various limbs in the garbage disposal longest. Happy Festivus to you!

*This site, and the opinions and statements contained herein, do not necessarily reflect the beliefs or policies of Brigham Young University, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, or any of their affiliates, or even the guy who wrote this.

QDear 100 Hour Board,
how do i earn about $70 - $100 with out getting a job..(my life is too busy to keep a job right now)? I need it for christmas and i dont know how to get it. Any ideas? btw, i dont go to byu, so no on-campus ideas please. Thanks!!
- poor did

ADear poor did,
Sell some stuff. Like your neighbors' cat or fake gift certificates to restaurants that you just printed off the computer. Make sure you sell these things in neighborhoods that are not your own.

QDear 100 Hour Board,
Oh, where to begin...I'm an attractive, funny, smart, kind, stylish girl, (I say that only to rule those issues out as causes for my date-less-ness) and in my second year at BYU. I have yet to be asked on a single date. I'm at a loss. This might sound weird, but I feel I fit the profile of girls who get a lot of dates here. I really make an effort to look nice when I got to school and try to be friendly, but must confess I'm a bit shy. Still, shyness aside, I'm struggling to find a legitimate cause for my singlehood. Even when I get the guts to talk to a guy, it ends when the conversation ends (not one has ever asked for my number.) I guess my question is two tiered. The first being; are there particular things that girls do (perhaps unknowingly) that repel guys? And the other part of my question is; what can I do to improve my situation? What do guys here look for, because I clearly don't have it. I don't even have guy FRIENDS...I don't feel I'm asking too much here, but somehow I find myself lonely and bored during much of my week and could really use some help. I just can't figure this out. Any suggestions or advice offers...would be very much appreciated. I feel pathetic asking these questions, but clearly, I'm desparate. Thanks!
- Alice in (Dating) Wonderland (supposedly...)

ADear Alice (or maybe you're Mabel today...),
Hmmm. Here are some ideas. You could bake cookies for every guy in your ward, and then wait by the phone for the date invites to start flooding in (you may have to get call waiting!). Make little fliers about how cool you are and distribute them around campus. That's how we get readers for the Hundred Hour Board, so I bet it'll get you some dates. Tell boys that you go on dates all the time, so they know you're playing the game. Or remind them constantly that the prophet says they should date more. Go to a movie by yourself, and look around for a guy who's by himself or on the edge of his group of male friends. Sit next to him, and then sit close to him, and then ask him to get you some popcorn (all the while touching his elbow). After the movie, ask him nonchalantly where he's taking you for dinner. This actually will work with some guys. Put yourself on Use Anne hathoway's picture instead of your own, just in case. Keep your ears open for when other people are going on blind dates. Then show up just a few minutes before the girl and pretend to be her all evening. Good luck!

QDear 100 Hour Board,
So I have a roommate, and she is really nice. We have alternating schedules, I work and study late, she does early, which works fine, except for one little detail. She is healthy and doesn't have a cold as far as she can tell, but when she wakes up early in the morning (we are talking 5-6am) she has coughing fits. This is a problem as I go to bed circa 1am (due to work and such) and it wakes me up. Any suggestions?
- Gebleesta

ADear Gebleesta,
You can start slipping her sleeping pills before she turns in. Then before you go to bed, turn off her alarm clock. That way she won't be waking up before you. You could probably do that for a few weeks befoe she becomes immune to the medicine. At that point, just start tying her mouth with a gag before you go to sleep.

QDear 100 Hour Board,
NOOOOOO! I just checked the class schedule, figuring out what classes I'm going to take... AND I DISCOVERED THAT THEY AREN'T TEACHING STAINED GLASS OR BASKETWEAVING THIS WINTER!!! WHY? WHY? It's my last term (I graduate in April), and I wanted to take something fun and unusual... "Yeah--I learned basketweaving at BYU..."
- Crushed... :((

ADear Crushed,
Our society has no need for basket-weavers. Our baskets come ready-made. Slave children in Malaysia produce them for us. We don't want to put them out of work. Their families have to eat.

QDear 100 Hour Board,
I need a great, inexpensive, fun, not creepy or dorky, date idea to do on Saturday during the day. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
- Angela from London
ADear Angela,
Hmmm. Good date ideas, huh?
You could invite your date to watch a scary movie in a graveyard using a generator. Then have someone hiding in a grave that you've dug earlier, and they can jump out and scare your date, and maybe dump mud or something that feels like brains on him.* You could play chess with him and tell him he doesn't get dinner until he beats you. Then, to make the fun of the evening last longer, take a full minute or even two between moves. You could do a Star Trek movie marathon. Make sure to show up in your full Star Trek formal evening regalia. How about Arts & Crafts Night, and you could use glue guns and those special zig-zag scissors and make matching photo albums? You could go really late at night and sneak around to various dumpsters behind restaurants and see what food is still edible in there.** Usually they have the food in separate bags from the other trash. Talk about an inexpensive date, huh? And the best thing is, if your date ends up fighting a hobo over some grimy KFC, you get to watch a free bumfight! You could plan a dinner at your parents' house, and then have them push the idea of marriage and talk about how lucky any man will be to be part of their family.** You could tell him you're taking him somewhere that's a surprise, and then just drive and drive and drive until he finally makes you turn around. I bet you could make it well into Wyoming before he puts his foot down. Well, I hope one of these ideas works for you. Remember, a date is only successful if you have more fun than the person you're with.

* Idea given at the Orem Institute of Religion in a Marriage Prep class
** Dates I've actually been on

QDear 100 Hour Board,
My roommates and I are in a war and we have a few scathingly brilliant ideas up our sleaves, but we were wondering if you could give us your best legal prank ideas that won't get us in trouble, but will be great retaliation. Oh, if this will help, we are in Heritage. I know there are some things that you can do here that are strickly Heritage ideas. I commend you now for your great efforts in helping us win.- Kesstacular

ADear Kesstacular,
It's only illegal if you get caught. That said, I have some suggestions. You could put their names in bleach somewhere on the lawn around Heritage. That way THEY get in trouble. You could ask them out with those elaborate date-asking things that Utahns are fond of (you know the kind with the Jell-o, duct tape, and stuffed kiwi birds?), but make them from imaginary people. Or ask out really horrible unattractive people from the people you're trying to get.* Kidnap any pets they might have and hold them ransom, and then feed the pets tons of food that will make them vomit a LOT right before you make the trade back.** Key their cars. Leave flaming bags of fecal matter or dead squirrels on their doorsteps. Call them every few minutes all during the night. Order tons of anchovy pizzas to be delivered to their house.** Call them pretending to be the Honor Code Office, and vaguely tell them they've been caught breaking the code, and unless they confess, you'll be telling their parents. Put rubber cement on their toothbrushes so that they tear their gums open when they try to brush their teeth.** Break into their apartment at night with ski masks and take their major electronics equipment back to your own place.* Plant a listing of made-up Sexaholics Anonymous meeting times somewhere in their apartment where all the roommates can find it and assume that it's one of the others'.* Tell them you need to use their restroom, then clog the toilet with a rubber duck, lock the door, and escape out the window. With any luck they'll have to call maintenece twice on that one. Photoshop their pictures into Newsnet photos of white supremecist meetings, and make flyers to distribute in the foyer before church. Bake some Viagra into some brownies, or replace their shampoo with Nair. Sew up the sleeves on all their shirts.** Take the guts out of their smoke alarms, and replace them with rotten fish.* They'll smell it, but they won't ever think to look there! Shave off their eyebrows while they sleep, and then gently squeeze toothpaste onto their eyelids so they can't open them when they wake up.* Just remember, if you can get them to cry, you have won. And also that I'm an insane evil wizard.

* Pranks I've done
** Pranks I've had done to me

QDear 100 Hour Board,
Where is the cheapest place to buy a bonsai tree? I really want one; but, I can't afford one. I have searched diligently on eBay; but, once you account for the shipping price they are pretty expensive there too.
- Planty

ADear Planty,
They are available for pretty cheap on this website. Wait. What was the question again?

(I actually got hate mail on that last one, heh heh)

Until next time, all you loathsome blog-reading scum.

Mayhem in Smurf Village





*enters Wiggle*

“Gargamel, what are you doing?! How did you get into the Village? Where are all the Smrufs?”

Gargamel enlightens Wiggle with the whole story. Wiggle is shocked and doesn’t know what to say. But in the end she knows that the right thing to do is help the Smurf’s out. She plans and elaborate escape and the Smurfs are able to out smart Gargamel on last time.

When the Smurfs are safe back in their village, Papa Smurf puts a new enchantment upon the village to insure that something like this never happens again. The Smurfs celebrated and had a great feast with Wiggle being the honored guess.

Yeah, it is pretty obvious that the Smurfs felt it only appropriate and necessary that they worship Wiggle for saving their life, and so they made a massive mushroom temple where they pray to Wiggle and thank her for saving their lives everyday.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Snappy Answers

I feel like giving you people something new to read, but I don't have it in me to write anything today. So, I dredged up some of Snappy Smurf's answers (along with the questions anonymous people asked in the first place) from the Hundred Hour Board. Here you go:

QDear 100 Hour Board,
Is there hope for me?
- a man who needs a date

ADear man,
Sadly, I heard that Hope got engaged in July. You can check out her sisters, though. Faith and Charity. Both still very available.

ADear needy,
If I were you, I'd pray for Charity. She's the greatest of the three, anyway. Faith is kinda high maintenence. A relationship with her takes a lot of work, or it just dies. And I guess Hope really is once again single. I theard they called her on a mision, though....

QDear 100 Hour Board,
In the past month and a half, I've had two bugs fly into my eyes. Seriously. The first time this happened was on Heleman Hill on my way to the Tanner Building, and the second time was today between the SWKT and the construction site. I never really got a good look at the bugs when they were whole, and only saw them as black globs after removing them from my eye. I'm wondering:
(1) what type of bugs are these; they seemed like the same kind both times.
(2) has this ever happened to anyone else?
(3) should I be afraid of infection or other optical health problems? There didn't seem to be any problems after the first time, and that was several weeks ago. But the second time was today, and I'm a little worried.
(4) Is there anything that I can do to prevent this in the future? By the time I realize there's a bug flying at my face, if reflexes haven't already done something, it's too late.
- Blinded by the flight

ADear Blinded by the flight,
(1)Dead ones.


QDear 100 Hour Board,
Where can I learn how to play the harmonica? Does the director of the Philharmonic Orchestra teach people?
- Happy feet

ADear Happy Feet,
Far away from me!

QDear 100 Hour Board,
this is what the board seems like its doing lately
Q: (i have a question about your opinion on a certain matter)
A: dear reader(my point of view is correct and yours is wrong as well as anyone else who disagrees with me and this is a fact)

ADear nobody,
this is what your question seems like to me
Q:(Kowtow to me. I am so witty and right that you Board writers will have to really think hard about how to answer this one! If I tell you your'e mean, you have to be nice when you answer)
-no name
A:(no, we don't. If someone asks us for our opinions, we're going to give them to him, and guess what? We believe our opinions. Yep, that's right. We're going to stand up for them. In short, you are wrong, and anyone who disagrees with me is too. And there should be two spaces after a colon [or at least one], and your parentheses are superfluous)

QDear 100 Hour Board,
Why did they get rid of the tree of life showers at the MTC?
- Naked Nostalgia

ADear Naked Nostalgia,
There were some elders who were just "different," whether due to choices made by their parents or to nature. I'll bet it was one of those elders who came back and instituted a change. Either that, or one of the stateside-bound elders my companion used to pee on while they were shampooing. I feel sorry for all of those people, as well as the fat kid, Tattoo Guy, Scars, and the Sasquatch. And all of us who had to see those people naked every day for nine weeks.

QDear 100 Hour Board,
Tell me the most interesting thing you can possibly tell me. This better be good and I if I've heard it before I something bad to small rodents.
- Curious and Dangerous

ADear Curious and Dangerous,
I was about to tell you the most amazing thing I've heard ever, but then I remembered how much I hate small rodents.