Revolt

Protest seems to be the word on everyone's lips these days. Sometimes it even feels like I'm in a real college town, what with all the demonstrations and campaigns going on around here.

My co-worker Keri, frustrated by the oppressive system we have at work for who gets to wait on which tables, complained aloud and announced her plan to bring about change when she gasped, "Why don't I ever make any tips? I am REVOLTING!"

I told her she'd just answered her own question. I don't think she caught the joke.

My friend Hero, also in the spirit of social reform, performed a small demonstration against the Malt Shop on University Avenue recently. He told the girl that he wanted the Wednesday student two-for-one special and asked for a shake and a root beer freeze. She sent the order back and then charged him almost eight dollars.

"Eight dollars! I asked for the two-for-one deal!"

"well, you can't get the two-for-one deal with the freeze. Only shakes," said the bovine employee, repeating the price through a mouthful of cud.

Well, Hero is the sort of being whose whole night can be ruined by one single interaction with an imbecile. This girl could have told him that he couldn't get the discount on the freeze before sending the order through. She also refused to cancel it. So he paid for the shake and the freeze, and when they came, he dumped half his shake on the carpet in protest. Then he said "whoops," stepped in the mess, and marched out of there. It was funny.

Meanwhile, real and actually organized protests have abounded recently.

One involved unattractive vegetarians standing on the street corner right in front of the restaurant at which I work, making out in their underwear and telling people to avoid meat, and handing out tracts with pertinent quotes about animals and their souls and brains from such leading spiritual and scientific leaders as Paul McCartney and Pamela Anderson. As I've said before, I think there must be some sort of animal by-product in soap, because Vegans always seem to need a shower. These ones had a mattress out there and had adopted the slogan, "Vegetarians make better lovers." If anything, having mostly-naked people dancing about in front of our store only increased our business that day, and I made sure to suggest the steak enchiladas or the beef chimichanga to every customer I got. I sold tons.

Then there were some whose causes I respected a little more.

The first surrounded a controversy over BYU's firing of a man named Todd. If you live in the Provo bubble, you have probably heard whispers of this story. The reason I am retelling it now is that I have a little bit of ironic personal involvement in this story.

Todd was a grown-up who worked for the BYUSSR, more legitimately known as the BYUSA. He had a number of job responsibilities, one of which had something to do with BYUSA "elections." Over the course of his years at BYUSA, Todd noticed some unsettling glitches in the operation of the BYUSA electorate machine. So he decided to write a letter in the Daily Universe which decried the entire process, pointing out that an anonymous cadre of randomly selected students were put in charge of disqualifying candidates, a power which he inferred had been used unfairly by members of the group to aid their friends.

Certainly the letter was timely; this past election was once again riddled with scandal as students were disqualified for getting photocopies of campaign papers run off with a discount at a private copying center rather than at whatever the committee deemed to be "market price," whatever that means (there is a rule in the election procedures that students need to spend their campaign funds only on items they purchase at "market price"). The discount they received was actually available to all the other candidates. It was time for somebody to speak up, and Todd was our man. He mailed out that letter to the DU.

So they fired him. That's right, BYU fired Todd for publicly calling into question practices of the organization for which he worked. They offered him hush money, saying that if he would agree to not disclose the reason for which he was fired, they would continue to give him health insurance and other benefits for a grace period. Todd, always one to stand against censure and the man, refused the offer and sent off another letter to the Daily Universe. Soon a full-scale real protest was in full swing, with students duct-taping their mouths symbolically.

Well, I see some interesting parallels between myself and this Todd fellow....

***FLASHBACK ABOUT A YEAR***

Once upon a time there was a small community of smurfs that lived somewhere in the woods of Belgium in stone houses that looked like mushrooms to the untrained eye. Further into the wood, they had a computer, and it was attached to the internet, and the smurfs found a BYU website called the Hundred Hour Board, where BYU students could anonymously and cleverly answer people's questions about anything and everything. They applied to write for the Board, and were accepted, and in the time during which our story takes place, they had been writing for the Board for several months, and it was their raison d’être. Then one day a dark oppressive shadow loomed over their idyllic little forest. BYUSA decided to censor the Hundred Hour Board. The poor little smurfs ran for shelter, but they were too late. Soon all was black in their forest. Were they defeated? No. They made a last-ditch effort to battle the forces of the evil bureaucracy, answering questions just as they always had. One day a question came in about how to improve race relations on campus. The smurfs pulled out all the stops, giving an informative yet amusing answer, citing examples shared with them by real minorities attending BYU. Before that answer could ever post, however, it caught the attention of one of BYUSA's cronies, who was floating around in the smoggy cloud overhead. He sent the smurfs a letter, demanding that they remove any evidence of actual instances of racism on campus. The smurfs refused, and used the last of their energy to respond angrily (although cleanly) to this unreasonable letter. But they were too late. The next time they tried to visit the computer, it had been slashed to pieces by BYUSA, and they were never able to log in on the computer again.

So you see, I can totally relate to Todd's little predicament. But if you grease the machine for long enough, Todd, eventually it'll slip and cut you.

Also I should mention that this Todd fellow is the selfsame troll who was censoring the Board, and who kicked me off. So while I admire the fact that you finally grew a backbone and tried to take a stand against the monster, I still have to chuckle at the irony of the giant monster swallowing you up after you helped feed it until it grew big enough to eat you too. Hahaha, Todd. Seriously, that's what you get, especially when you mess with THIS smurf.

I'm not still bitter about it, I swear.

Later that same week, there was another on-campus protest, led by a group called Soulforce. Soulforce was a group of thirty-two gays and lesbians who decided to rent a bus and tour religious and military universities to help stop "religious oppression" of homosexuals, as they put it. Their leaders said at a rally the night before the protests began that BYU was the "crowned jewel" of the tour.

I didn't attend any of the on-campus events, but I came near the protests at the park. I couldn't hear much that was being said because the rumble of the generator they used to power the microphone was louder than the microphone itself.

Soulforce's points were many. They cited the numbers of gay Mormon teen suicides (a BYU student named Matt even took the mic and testified about his own failed suicide attempts), said that BYU students are uneducated about and intolerant of homosexuals, and basically just complained a lot. They said that their surveys showed that more than ninety percent of BYU students said they wouldn't want a homosexual as a roommate. I'm skeptical, to say the least.

Your name: Smurf

1) Would you rather have roommates who are gay or straight?

a) gay ___
b) straight _x_

2) Would you be ok with a lesbian roommate?

a) yes ___
b) no _x_

See? Even I don't pass the test. It's all in the way you word it. And I present as evidence to the contrary Asmond, BAWB, Toasteroven, Gravy, and the Snake, all of whom willingly entered roommate situations with gay kids and/or were staunch defenders of them afterward.

At any rate, I had several beefs with Soulforce's message.

1: "Religious oppression of homosexuals?" I'm doubly offended. I don't appreciate three dozen hippies coming to my school to tell me that I'm at once oppressor and oppressed.

2: The use of Gandhi's and Martin Luther King Jr.'s countenances in their logo. I don't care if they DID have permission from relatives of the two men. This was a cause that a Hindu and a southern reverend would NEVER have been behind. In the words of Alecia, my sassy black manager, upon her hearing about the logo, "Oh HEEEEELL no!" That's just plain offensive.

3: The issues presented were for the most part issues from years past. Today's political climate with regard to homosexuals is one of tolerance at worst, even here in conservative Utah. The head lesbian was a minister for some religion and proudly claimed to have been excommunicated thrice, eventually leaving the church altogether and taking up residence with her former visiting teacher. She delivered an angry speech, much like those presented by other alumni, about how horrible it was to attend BYU. The problem was that she was speaking to a bunch of students who currently attend BYU and were having trouble seeing any of the problems she mentioned.

4: The idea of the homosexuals blaming religion for the suicides. It just pisses me off. The problem isn't solely with either side. The problem is the imagined chasm between the two sides, with poor youths feeling trapped with a foot on either side. Religion and homosexual tendencies are not naturally at odds. For years, churches painted the picture thus, but our church has come a very long way in the manner in which its leaders deal with those who experience same-sex attraction. We are aware that feelings of incongruousness between a religion believed to be true and an immutable sexual desire believed to be false can cause great psychological trauma to our young people. But just when our little bubble community seems to be taking steps to find middle ground, the other camp pulls away even more vehemently, and those chasm-straddlers are going to find themselves falling to one side or the other or down into the blackness. We need to be closing the gap from BOTH sides.

5: They weren't friendly. Tell them you're a closeted homosexual fighting to keep your sexual identity under wraps until just barely after graduation, and they'll welcome you with open arms and offer you the drinks they're serving in the corner. But stand with the small peaceful counter-protest (as I did) and suddenly you'll find an angry middle-aged redhead in a pantsuit storming toward you and unsavorily unplugging your music. Many of the lesbians from the bus decided to smoke on campus, or march around distributing fliers and otherwise breaking the protest rules set forth by the university. The smoking thing particularly got my goat, since not only is it a BYU rule that one cannot smoke on campus, but it is also against the state laws of Utah to smoke within a hundred feet of a public building. When students (such as my roommate Asmond) kindly asked the lesbians to refrain from smoking in front of their workplace, the lesbians took it as an affront on their message and their sexual identity and refused to either extinguish their cigarettes or move along.

The counter-protest was kinda weak, really. There was an insane hispanic woman with two people I can only assume were her own progeny, shouting "Shame on you" louder than the speakers AND the generator. "Let me tell jew something jew don't know," she said to me, advancing until she would have been right in my face had she been a foot taller. I let her, but she only told me things I already knew or that I still don't believe, like the idea that the gay movement is secretly being run by politicians and filmmakers who aren't actually gay themselves but rather hope to make a buck off the whole idea. Then there was a guy whose wife and daughter were playing on the playground while he distributed his own manifesto to the classy tunes of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir under a banner that read "You want your freedom of expression; please allow us ours." Then there was me, standing silently in the cold with my arms crossed, the ever non-partisan participant.

Why was I standing with the counter-protest? I just wanted someone to know that Soulforce does not speak for me. I don't think I'm a radical. I don't imagine for one second that I'm typical. But I like to think I am reasonable, at least. I didn't appreciate Soulforce's rhetoric. I didn't like their tying depression and suicide to homosexuality. I especially didn't appreciate that they purported to represent me. AND accuse me. As Wiggle so often repeats, "You don't KNOW me."

My old friend LLama was the one person whose actions that day receive a full endorsement from me. He was out there distributing lists of resources for people who are trying to deal with homosexuality in a positive church context. Way to be, LLama.

So, the point is that BYU seems to be at least taking a step forward by allowing these protests on campus, right? Especially after the American Association of University Professors put us on its list of censured schools in 1997 after a female professor was allegedly fired for being pro-choice and feminist.

But wait, by some coincidence(?), the Northwest Commission on Colleges and Universities happened to be visiting our school that same week that the protests were being graciously (and uncharacteristically) allowed on campus. This is the organization that every ten years decides whether BYU should maintain its accreditation status. So the question remains, is BYU actually becoming a more progressive school, or is it just trying to save face for the man?

Amid all this chaos, the Mexicans are enojados. It seems they feel they are under-appreciated. I'll agree with that. On May first, there is to be a nation-wide walk-out for all trabajadores of hispanic descent. In other words, the Mexican restaurant where I work is going to have an absolute dearth of cooks and dish washers that day. The owners are considering making Alecia cook fajitas and serving everything on paper plates all day. I guess Alecia is the next closest thing we have to Mexican after the real Mexicans and the Chileans and Salvadorians and all.

Now here's where it gets interesting for me. Norma and the other cooks and dish washers have told me that I'd better not come to work that day. After all, I am one quarter Mexican, and would be doing my old abuelita great dishonor by coming to work on that day. If our restaurant weren't situated exactly in the heart of downtown, I might just ignore their invitation. And also if it didn't have huge glass windows that look right out onto the street where the main demonstrations will be going on. And if the cooks hadn't been whispering about how they fully expect things to turn quickly into a riot.

And really, I do respect their cause, and my grandmother, and all. The last thing I want to be is a scab. So not only am I moderately interested in their cause, and medium terrified of the prospect of a thousand illegal immigrants hopped up on tequila coming at me with whatever the Mexican equivalent of pitchforks and torches is while I'm at work, and extremely excited about the idea of a totally good excuse to not show up for work for a whole day, but I also am relieved when I check my calendar and realize that the whole thing is moot because I have Mondays off anyway. I think I'll go have me some all-you-can-eat fajitas that day, as long as Alecia's cooking.

So there you have it, folks. Three major protests going on, all of which really relate to me (after all, I am a BYUSA-censored, homosexual, Mormon who is descended from illegal Mexican immigrants), and yet while I feel passionately about each of those subjects, I just can't find myself getting behind any of those causes.

You want to know the cause I CAN get behind? Protesting Panda Express. Seriously, Gravy and I always talked about marching in front of that store with signs that say "Don't believe their lies!" and "Panda Express is chicken" and distributing PETA-esque pamphlets that explain that there is no actual panda meat in ANY Panda Express products. I can't believe the number of people who still eat there, seemingly unaware of the flagrant false advertising. I hope Vero will be back in town on May first, because I am off work that day, and I'd bet she would help me with my movement. And that day is perfect, because there won't be any workers there to come out and stop us. Because after all, not only is their panda secretly just chicken, but their Chinamen are secretly just Mexicans.

Things I Should be Posting about

1. My dad's suicide attempt and subsequent hospitalization due to alcohol poisoning.
2. The floods that evacuated my hometown.
3. New Years at the Space Needle in Washington.
4. Christmas with a kind but bizarre family from West Valley.
5. The news that my heart chakra swirls the wrong way.
6. Having to play with guns.
7. The vivid nightmares I've had every night since I've been home from California.
8. My search for a new job.
9. What I did with Jenny's car.
10. Camping on the beach.
11. The resulting poison oak: "I'm a monster!"
12. Road trips with Blue Shorts.
13. Getting stuck in SLUT (that stands for Salt Lake, Utah) last night and Wiggle to the rescue.
14. The hole left in my heart because Vero awesome is on Colorado now.
15. My choir trip this week to St. George.

But guess what? I am stressed, and I don't feel like talking about that crap. Which is why I haven't posted for a while. So I'll do what I've done in the past, i.e. post some of my personal favorites of my own responses from the Hundred hour Board. Hope you enjoy the best of Smurfette and Grouchy:


Dear Females of the 100 Hour Board,

I figured this question would be best for girls since guys don't usually care about baby names. Anyway, I'm getting married in three months and I'm hoping to have a little girl first. Any good name suggestions? I've always liked the names Lesley and Isabelle...yeah, I know they're way different from each other, but they both appeal to me. So anyway, I'm just looking for some inspiration. What are your sisters' names? What names do you just like? Thanks a ton! Keep up the awesome work you guys do, cause I love reading this Board.

-Shadow

ADear I had a dog named that!

Here are some ideas:

Polaris Esther. That way you have the star motif going, sice Polaris is the north star and esther is the Hebrew word for star. Plus Polaris is a really awesome X-man. And you could call her Polly for short. Polly Esther. How cool is that?

Mia is a good one. Like that bee. If you name her Mia, her middle name needs to be Pow. Then she'll see flags with her name sometimes.

Aurora Borealis is a good one. It's Latin for "northern dawn." And it's like the name of Sleeping Beauty.

Many girls are named after flowers. You could name her after the pot the flower is in. So how about Tara Cotta? Or if you think "Cotta" is a stupid middle name, then you could use "moto." That way her name is the Spanish word for "earthquake." She'll be a force of nature!

For you Star Wars fans, try Xaveri Cantina. The Xaveri is just so you can have a name that starts with X (plus it's an anagram for Xavier, in case you're into the X-Men).

I'm fond of the name Ember Vertigo. Amber is overdone. Vertigo is a really freaky Hitchcock. I guess if you had triplets you could go with Amber, Ember, and Umber. They would love you forever.

And if you are trying to come up with a name before you know the baby's gender, you can always go with Anne Drogeny. Yes, that one's great.

--Smurfette

Dear 100 Hour Board...specifcally those smurfy types....

are you aware that the smurfs were communists?

- a concerned citizen

ADear paranoid citizen,
You are a fool. The McCarthy era is over, buddy. It's not cool to use the word "communist" to describe everything you don't understand. And if you think we smurfs are actually communist, then you are ignorant as well. Communism is a type of egalitarian society in which nobody owns anything. Smurfs own plenty of things. Smurfette has a whole closet full of the same stupid white dress and shoes. When Farmer found a genie's lamp, he was allowed to keep it for himself, not required to share it with everyone for the greater good (although Papa did end up having to borrow the lamp in a few episodes, but that fits in with a point I'll make in a second). Vanity often refers to his mirror as "my mirror." Greedy is allowed to have more than his fair share of the food. Even Lazy is forced to get up and work if he wants the benefits of living in the Smurf Village. The thing about the smurfs is that we share what we have. When Handy invented automobiles, he made one for everyone in town. That would only be communist if Papa Smurf had forced him to do it. If you buy a pizza and then share it evenly with your roommates, are you communist? No. But if your landlord comes in and takes your pizza and splits it up evenly between you, then the landlord is communist. Sharing is not the same thing as communism. Enough with the paranoia. Next you'll be telling me that Vanity is a metrosexual. Ok, maybe he is. But I didn't say that.
--Grouchy

Dear 100 Hour Board,

So my younger sister is studying Romeo and Juliet in her high school English class. As they read the balcony scene, one of the other students asks "So this is where she lets down her hair, right?" Another student responds with "No, stupid, thats Rapunzel and its a bible story, not Shakespeare." Mind you, this is a junior level english class. So here's the question: What has happened to today's teenagers to make them so ignorant?

- mj

ADear MJ,

MTV?

--Grock

A
Television, plain and simple.

-Benvolio

ADear everyone,

Oh, sure, let's blame television and the other mass media. Sorry, folks, but watching television doesn't magically make people any more ignorant than they were before they turned it on. It doesn't often make them much more knowledgeable, either, I'll admit. But it's not like the student who made the Rapunzel comment at one point knew that that story wasn't in the Bible, but then she went home and read her TeenBeat magazine and pumped some VH1 into her brain and accidentally deleted it. No, the problem isn't what we put into the brains of today's youth; it's what we DON'T put in.

How would these pupils know what the Bible contains? That's forbidden from classroom discussion. Sure, teach them we evolved from rats. Teach them how to put on condoms and to accept alternative lifestyles and that no knowledge is certain. Let them glean their own "morals" from a rather corrupt Shakespeare, and from Hemingway and Judy Blume.

While you're at it, make sure you don't let any of the kids exceed their peers. Hold the brilliant kids back to the pace of the class, and hold the class back to the pace of the slow kids.

Then we can invent new math classes that don't focus on math--please, who needs to know math anymore now that we have calculators and computers?--but rather focus on group unity and feelings about mathematical concepts.

Then we can take the classics and strip them down and put our own agendas into them. "Shakespeare? Well, the language is beyond you, but trust me, it's about sex." Or feminism. Or capitalism.

Then we can prescribe what the students learn even further by making required reading lists and curricula that make sure each little automoton learns the exact same things. Independent thought will come naturally in college, as we've all been taught it should.

The students seem to be communicating okay, so we can also throw out the ideas of grammar and phonetics, since most teachers don't understand those things anyway. the kids'll prolly be fine since we're moving towards internet language which has no rulez anyways lol:)

In fact, the whole concept of right and wrong is outdated (probably came from the Bible or something!). As long as the student shows her work/has good intentions/has put forth an effort, she'll receive full marks. Who are we to judge? Imagine if the Catholic church had given Galileo a grade. Except don't because you have no need to know who that even is.

In short, our students aren't learning anything. They aren't passing their standardized tests. They aren't even interested or trying. Let's do the logical thing: make it even easier. Students can get A's in two ways: we can make them work harder or we can make it easier. Well, that seems an obvious choice!

Oh, and let's cut funding way back. We don't want to be forking over the big bucks for teachers who know too much more than their students, lest they seem inaccessible. After all, a teacher's primary concern is preparing the students for the "real world" by getting them to get along and by being a listening ear when the students need to talk. "Street smarts" in the end prove much more valuable than "book smarts," right?

Oh, and happy New Year, Mubba.

--Grouchy, who actually never watches television as a rule, lest it happen to make him dumber.

QDear 100 Hour Board,

Why does everyone hate (starwars) Episode 1 and 2 so much? I happened to like them very much and it spoils my joy the same way it does when I finish watching a movie and some jerk in the crowd says loudly, 'that was the worst movie I've ever seen.'

- Hurt, broken, bleeding, scarred, tortured, and losing a pulse.

ADear Hurt,

I guess this is my opportunity to defend the movies. But I'll pass on that, because they were awful. Episode one contained inappropriate jokes, for goodness' sake! Jake and Hayden both in turn put in dismal performances as the character who is central to the entire series. The dialogue seemed to be written directly to the audience. "Now that's pod-racing!" Do you remember that? He might as well have turned to the camera and said, "Don't think it weird that a young boy is instantly such a good pilot. Remember, folks, at the beginning of the movie when I was pod-racing?" Padme and Amidala were more obviously the same person than Superman and Clark Kent. This whole business with the metychloridians or whatever was asinine, like trying to find a scientific explanation for faith. Not to mention the immaculate conception of Darth Vader, or his emasculation vis-a-vis the nickname "Ani." Then there's the muddled plot, the killing off of the coolest character before he's said four lines, Jar-Jar, the fleeting glimpses of cities you'd like to spend at least a few seconds admiring, the creepy relationship between Anakin and Padme, etc. I mean, it's not like the original trilogy had the best acting, either. But it had heart. Even Yoda's wisdom is diminished. In episode II, he never says a single thing we don't already know. More like Jedi Master of the Obvious, I say. Seriously, watch it with that in mind, and you'll notice.

The problem is that Lucas obviously has no sense of what's sacred. Remember the extended version of the Max Rebo Band? Disgusting! It's like a cartoon. And now the newest version has a new over-expository conversation between Vader and Palpatine, a new ghost Anakin at the end of Jedi, a third version of Greedo's death, and a new score in place of the Ewok's yub-yub song. George should really just hand his movies over to someone who doesn't live by the motto "more is more."

Let someone else try to defend those movies.

--Grouchy

QDear 100 Hour Board,

If you won a bunch of money gambling and you wanted to pay tithing on it, would the Church accept your tithe?

- Senor Cardgage

ADear creepy comb-over guy,
The church has a special scanner that they run all checks and currency through to see if they were earned by gambling. If they were, the money will be returned not to you, but to the Lotto or casino or racetrack where you won it. They also contact your Bishop, spouse, parents, and college professors and tell them to encourage you to return the other 90%. This story is made up. They have no way of knowing. Just don't gamble, people. And come up with your own questions, not just the ones on the fliers we handed out today. Sheesh.
--Grouchy

The Best (Worst) of Gargamel

Hmmm, as long as I, Gargamel, have been given control over this stupid blog (thanks, Wiggle) I think I'll hold on to it for a while. Here's the best of the things I wrote as Gargamel when I was a writer for the 100 Hour Board. Hope you hate it. (For those who don't get what the Board is, it's a question and answer place, and I used to answer the questions. So I'll give you the questions asked, followed each time by the answer I gave.)

QDear 100 Hour Board,
What is the coolest thing I could do for a guy with out spending very much money. Baking cookies and the usual, what every girl does ideas don't count. I am looking for the best thing to do for cheap that would make the guy go, "wow, that was nice." or better yet, "She must really care, maybe I can take a hint."
- Tinker Bell

ADear Tink,
You could wash his car, or do something useful. You could write him a kind note. You could cook him some spaghetti. You could start to do some of the menial every-day tasks of life for him, like buying groceries or opening the mail. You could start a journal of what he was wearing that day, and you can also write down everything he said to you or near you, and then after a few weeks, you can leave the journal somewhere where he can stumble across it, like his underwear drawer. Make sure you make it cute with puff paint and glitter. I know that a lot of guys have a hard time getting to bed on time, so another idea would be to sit outside his bedroom window at night, and watch him until he goes to bed. If he starts staying up past the time that is good for him, you can call him from your cell phone. Everyone could use a friendly reminder from time to time. Now, don't say anything at that point, because that might be too obvious that you like him. But if you remain completely silent, he might just think it was a wrong number and ignore it and stay up late. You're better off making some sort of noise, like heavy breathing, grunting, or slurping. Soon he'll come to realize that that's just an admirer's friendly little way of reminding him that it's bed time. Another cool thing would be to get samples of his hair, and have genetic tests run on them to see if there are any congenital birth defects he should be aware of. What guy wouldn't be appreciative of that much effort? If there are extra hairs, or if the tests turn out to be too expensive, you can tape them into the journal before you slip it in with his tighty-whities. The coolest thing of all would be to clandestinely take a picture of him and photoshop it into an engagement picture of yourself. I recommend the kind where you are in a tree and you're dressed in matching denim vests--very classy. Then send out the invitations to everybody (don't forget his friends and family--you might need to "borrow" his address book for that one while you're in his room delivering the journal). You should also buy yourself a ring. Then a real marriage proposal to you would seem the natural thing to do! Just imagine how a guy would feel when he found out he didn't have to buy you a ring or worry about the invitations. He'll be pleased as punch. If you send him all those signs, and he still doesn't get it, hurt him. Just a little bit. Maybe then he'll come around. Well, I am out of my mind today.
--Gargamel

QDear 100 Hour Board,
Does anyone else find it weird that someone would keep pictures of ex girlfriends in their wallet?(And we're not talking the last person they dated. We're talking 7 years ago in high school.)
Miss Bojangles

ADear Miss Bojangles,
I don't think it's weird. Sounds like a pretty good way for him to show other guys what a stud he is. You know, like how hunters put those heads on the wall.
--Gargamel

QDear 100 Hour Board,
Every year my friends and I celebrate Festivus and have a huge party involving feats of strength. My question is, what are some ideas for games involving feats of strength?
- (speedraycr who is also BLoG)

ADear BLoG,
Pick each other up by the hair. Stop traffic with your bare hands. Strangle a bear just until it passes out. Catch pennies that people have dropped off the Empire State buildind with the soft spots on your skulls. Have a tug-of-war with your friend's truck on the freeway (you might need to tie yourself to the end of the rope for this one). Play catch with an anvil. See who can keep various limbs in the garbage disposal longest. Happy Festivus to you!
--Gargamel*


*This site, and the opinions and statements contained herein, do not necessarily reflect the beliefs or policies of Brigham Young University, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, or any of their affiliates, or even the guy who wrote this.

QDear 100 Hour Board,
how do i earn about $70 - $100 with out getting a job..(my life is too busy to keep a job right now)? I need it for christmas and i dont know how to get it. Any ideas? btw, i dont go to byu, so no on-campus ideas please. Thanks!!
- poor did

ADear poor did,
Sell some stuff. Like your neighbors' cat or fake gift certificates to restaurants that you just printed off the computer. Make sure you sell these things in neighborhoods that are not your own.
--Gargamel

QDear 100 Hour Board,
Oh, where to begin...I'm an attractive, funny, smart, kind, stylish girl, (I say that only to rule those issues out as causes for my date-less-ness) and in my second year at BYU. I have yet to be asked on a single date. I'm at a loss. This might sound weird, but I feel I fit the profile of girls who get a lot of dates here. I really make an effort to look nice when I got to school and try to be friendly, but must confess I'm a bit shy. Still, shyness aside, I'm struggling to find a legitimate cause for my singlehood. Even when I get the guts to talk to a guy, it ends when the conversation ends (not one has ever asked for my number.) I guess my question is two tiered. The first being; are there particular things that girls do (perhaps unknowingly) that repel guys? And the other part of my question is; what can I do to improve my situation? What do guys here look for, because I clearly don't have it. I don't even have guy FRIENDS...I don't feel I'm asking too much here, but somehow I find myself lonely and bored during much of my week and could really use some help. I just can't figure this out. Any suggestions or advice or...date offers...would be very much appreciated. I feel pathetic asking these questions, but clearly, I'm desparate. Thanks!
- Alice in (Dating) Wonderland (supposedly...)

ADear Alice (or maybe you're Mabel today...),
Hmmm. Here are some ideas. You could bake cookies for every guy in your ward, and then wait by the phone for the date invites to start flooding in (you may have to get call waiting!). Make little fliers about how cool you are and distribute them around campus. That's how we get readers for the Hundred Hour Board, so I bet it'll get you some dates. Tell boys that you go on dates all the time, so they know you're playing the game. Or remind them constantly that the prophet says they should date more. Go to a movie by yourself, and look around for a guy who's by himself or on the edge of his group of male friends. Sit next to him, and then sit close to him, and then ask him to get you some popcorn (all the while touching his elbow). After the movie, ask him nonchalantly where he's taking you for dinner. This actually will work with some guys. Put yourself on ldssingles.com. Use Anne hathoway's picture instead of your own, just in case. Keep your ears open for when other people are going on blind dates. Then show up just a few minutes before the girl and pretend to be her all evening. Good luck!
--Gargamel

QDear 100 Hour Board,
So I have a roommate, and she is really nice. We have alternating schedules, I work and study late, she does early, which works fine, except for one little detail. She is healthy and doesn't have a cold as far as she can tell, but when she wakes up early in the morning (we are talking 5-6am) she has coughing fits. This is a problem as I go to bed circa 1am (due to work and such) and it wakes me up. Any suggestions?
- Gebleesta

ADear Gebleesta,
You can start slipping her sleeping pills before she turns in. Then before you go to bed, turn off her alarm clock. That way she won't be waking up before you. You could probably do that for a few weeks befoe she becomes immune to the medicine. At that point, just start tying her mouth with a gag before you go to sleep.
--Gargamel

QDear 100 Hour Board,
NOOOOOO! I just checked the class schedule, figuring out what classes I'm going to take... AND I DISCOVERED THAT THEY AREN'T TEACHING STAINED GLASS OR BASKETWEAVING THIS WINTER!!! WHY? WHY? It's my last term (I graduate in April), and I wanted to take something fun and unusual... "Yeah--I learned basketweaving at BYU..."
- Crushed... :((

ADear Crushed,
Our society has no need for basket-weavers. Our baskets come ready-made. Slave children in Malaysia produce them for us. We don't want to put them out of work. Their families have to eat.
--Gargamel

QDear 100 Hour Board,
I need a great, inexpensive, fun, not creepy or dorky, date idea to do on Saturday during the day. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
- Angela from London
ADear Angela,
Hmmm. Good date ideas, huh?
You could invite your date to watch a scary movie in a graveyard using a generator. Then have someone hiding in a grave that you've dug earlier, and they can jump out and scare your date, and maybe dump mud or something that feels like brains on him.* You could play chess with him and tell him he doesn't get dinner until he beats you. Then, to make the fun of the evening last longer, take a full minute or even two between moves. You could do a Star Trek movie marathon. Make sure to show up in your full Star Trek formal evening regalia. How about Arts & Crafts Night, and you could use glue guns and those special zig-zag scissors and make matching photo albums? You could go really late at night and sneak around to various dumpsters behind restaurants and see what food is still edible in there.** Usually they have the food in separate bags from the other trash. Talk about an inexpensive date, huh? And the best thing is, if your date ends up fighting a hobo over some grimy KFC, you get to watch a free bumfight! You could plan a dinner at your parents' house, and then have them push the idea of marriage and talk about how lucky any man will be to be part of their family.** You could tell him you're taking him somewhere that's a surprise, and then just drive and drive and drive until he finally makes you turn around. I bet you could make it well into Wyoming before he puts his foot down. Well, I hope one of these ideas works for you. Remember, a date is only successful if you have more fun than the person you're with.
--Gargamel

* Idea given at the Orem Institute of Religion in a Marriage Prep class
** Dates I've actually been on

QDear 100 Hour Board,
My roommates and I are in a war and we have a few scathingly brilliant ideas up our sleaves, but we were wondering if you could give us your best legal prank ideas that won't get us in trouble, but will be great retaliation. Oh, if this will help, we are in Heritage. I know there are some things that you can do here that are strickly Heritage ideas. I commend you now for your great efforts in helping us win.- Kesstacular

ADear Kesstacular,
It's only illegal if you get caught. That said, I have some suggestions. You could put their names in bleach somewhere on the lawn around Heritage. That way THEY get in trouble. You could ask them out with those elaborate date-asking things that Utahns are fond of (you know the kind with the Jell-o, duct tape, and stuffed kiwi birds?), but make them from imaginary people. Or ask out really horrible unattractive people from the people you're trying to get.* Kidnap any pets they might have and hold them ransom, and then feed the pets tons of food that will make them vomit a LOT right before you make the trade back.** Key their cars. Leave flaming bags of fecal matter or dead squirrels on their doorsteps. Call them every few minutes all during the night. Order tons of anchovy pizzas to be delivered to their house.** Call them pretending to be the Honor Code Office, and vaguely tell them they've been caught breaking the code, and unless they confess, you'll be telling their parents. Put rubber cement on their toothbrushes so that they tear their gums open when they try to brush their teeth.** Break into their apartment at night with ski masks and take their major electronics equipment back to your own place.* Plant a listing of made-up Sexaholics Anonymous meeting times somewhere in their apartment where all the roommates can find it and assume that it's one of the others'.* Tell them you need to use their restroom, then clog the toilet with a rubber duck, lock the door, and escape out the window. With any luck they'll have to call maintenece twice on that one. Photoshop their pictures into Newsnet photos of white supremecist meetings, and make flyers to distribute in the foyer before church. Bake some Viagra into some brownies, or replace their shampoo with Nair. Sew up the sleeves on all their shirts.** Take the guts out of their smoke alarms, and replace them with rotten fish.* They'll smell it, but they won't ever think to look there! Shave off their eyebrows while they sleep, and then gently squeeze toothpaste onto their eyelids so they can't open them when they wake up.* Just remember, if you can get them to cry, you have won. And also that I'm an insane evil wizard.
--Gargamel

* Pranks I've done
** Pranks I've had done to me

QDear 100 Hour Board,
Where is the cheapest place to buy a bonsai tree? I really want one; but, I can't afford one. I have searched diligently on eBay; but, once you account for the shipping price they are pretty expensive there too.
- Planty

ADear Planty,
They are available for pretty cheap on this website. Wait. What was the question again?
--Gargamel

(I actually got hate mail on that last one, heh heh)

Until next time, all you loathsome blog-reading scum.

Snappy Answers

I feel like giving you people something new to read, but I don't have it in me to write anything today. So, I dredged up some of Snappy Smurf's answers (along with the questions anonymous people asked in the first place) from the Hundred Hour Board. Here you go:

QDear 100 Hour Board,
Is there hope for me?
- a man who needs a date

ADear man,
Sadly, I heard that Hope got engaged in July. You can check out her sisters, though. Faith and Charity. Both still very available.
--Snappy

ADear needy,
If I were you, I'd pray for Charity. She's the greatest of the three, anyway. Faith is kinda high maintenence. A relationship with her takes a lot of work, or it just dies. And I guess Hope really is once again single. I theard they called her on a mision, though....
--Jokey

QDear 100 Hour Board,
In the past month and a half, I've had two bugs fly into my eyes. Seriously. The first time this happened was on Heleman Hill on my way to the Tanner Building, and the second time was today between the SWKT and the construction site. I never really got a good look at the bugs when they were whole, and only saw them as black globs after removing them from my eye. I'm wondering:
(1) what type of bugs are these; they seemed like the same kind both times.
(2) has this ever happened to anyone else?
(3) should I be afraid of infection or other optical health problems? There didn't seem to be any problems after the first time, and that was several weeks ago. But the second time was today, and I'm a little worried.
(4) Is there anything that I can do to prevent this in the future? By the time I realize there's a bug flying at my face, if reflexes haven't already done something, it's too late.
- Blinded by the flight

ADear Blinded by the flight,
(1)Dead ones.
(2)Probably.
(3)No.
(4)



















--Snappy

QDear 100 Hour Board,
Where can I learn how to play the harmonica? Does the director of the Philharmonic Orchestra teach people?
- Happy feet

ADear Happy Feet,
Far away from me!
--Snappy

QDear 100 Hour Board,
this is what the board seems like its doing lately
Q: (i have a question about your opinion on a certain matter)
-reader
A: dear reader(my point of view is correct and yours is wrong as well as anyone else who disagrees with me and this is a fact)
-writer

ADear nobody,
this is what your question seems like to me
Q:(Kowtow to me. I am so witty and right that you Board writers will have to really think hard about how to answer this one! If I tell you your'e mean, you have to be nice when you answer)
-no name
A:(no, we don't. If someone asks us for our opinions, we're going to give them to him, and guess what? We believe our opinions. Yep, that's right. We're going to stand up for them. In short, you are wrong, and anyone who disagrees with me is too. And there should be two spaces after a colon [or at least one], and your parentheses are superfluous)
--Snappy

QDear 100 Hour Board,
Why did they get rid of the tree of life showers at the MTC?
- Naked Nostalgia

ADear Naked Nostalgia,
There were some elders who were just "different," whether due to choices made by their parents or to nature. I'll bet it was one of those elders who came back and instituted a change. Either that, or one of the stateside-bound elders my companion used to pee on while they were shampooing. I feel sorry for all of those people, as well as the fat kid, Tattoo Guy, Scars, and the Sasquatch. And all of us who had to see those people naked every day for nine weeks.
--Snappy

QDear 100 Hour Board,
Tell me the most interesting thing you can possibly tell me. This better be good and I if I've heard it before I shall...do something bad to small rodents.
- Curious and Dangerous

ADear Curious and Dangerous,
I was about to tell you the most amazing thing I've heard ever, but then I remembered how much I hate small rodents.
--Snappy

The Archives are Back!!!!!!

While I don't have much time to write anything here, I thought I'd just post some of my favorites of my answers from my stint on the Hundred Hour Board, in case I ever get locked out again. Read them is you will. Here goes:

QDear 100 Hour Board,

If the animals from South America had a "rumble" with the animals from Africa... which group of animals would win, and why?
- Betting on the piranhas' team

ADear Bettin',

South America. They've got Hungry hungry hippos. (I think). Actually, maybe that's Africa.... Hmmm. Well, either way, I'm putting my money on the Hippos. On a side note, I've seen bacteria and microscopic worms from South America that've sent people to their death beds. If their single cell organisms can do that, just imagine what an entire herd of hippos could do. On a second, and final side note (everyone breathes a sigh of relief), I have no idea why the sudden fixation with hippos. I mean really, could an animal be less intimidating? Oh well. That's my answer, and I'm sticking to it.

-Thor

ADear Better,

I say let's break this down. We'll pit South American animals against their nearest African counterparts. South America will appear first in each match so you can tell which side they're representing.

The llama vs. the camel: The camel totally wins this one. It can pack a lot more, and it's bigger and faster and smarter. The llama might have an easier time getting into Heaven, though.

The jaguar vs. the lion: Africa wins again. The lion is king of the jungle, even though it lives primarily in the pride lands. Jaguars actually live in the jungle, but they're not even like dukes or anything.

The capybara vs. the hippopotamus (which is actually from Africa, Thor): Hmm, the world's largest rodent vs. a relative of the pig that can.... Well, just look at this article:
A French zoo director was crushed to death on 1 November by a hippopotamus in a rut. Jean Ducuing was cycling around the park in Pessac, near Bordeaux, when Komir, a seven-year-old male hippo, charged through an electrified fence after an employee driving a tractor stopped to distribute food. M Ducing, aged in his 60s, had trained Komir. Posters for the zoo feature a picture of Komir with M Ducing's head in his mouth. AFP - 2 November; International Herald tribune - 3 November
Or this one (my new favorite thing ever, though very sad if I stop to think about it), attributed to the Melbourn Herald Sun, July 16, 1999:“A dwarf nicknamed Od has died in a circus accident in northern Thailand. According to the Pattaya Mail, he 'bounced sideways from a trampoline and was swallowed by a yawning hippopotamus' which was waiting to appear in the next act. Vets on the scene said Hilda the Hippo 'had a gag reflex that automatically caused her to swallow.' The vet said it was the first time the hefty vegetarian had ever eaten a circus performer. Unfortunately, the 1,000-plus spectators continued to applaud widely until common-sense dictated that there had been a tragic mistake.”

The caiman vs. the crocodile: Well, you never heard the prophet warn against spiritual caimans, did you?

The howler monkey vs. the gorilla: One keeps you up all night. The other DESTROYS you. In sign language.

The piranha vs. the African lungfish: This is a draw. The piranha would win in an all-out fight, but if the Amazon ever dried up, the lungfish would win. And when the rainy season began again, he'd crawl out of the muck and be all, “Boo-yeah” to the dried up corpse of the piranha.

The tapir vs. the elephant: They both have flexible snouts, but one weighs 10,000 pounds. And it's not the tapir.

The great anteater vs. the aardvark: Ok, the great anteater takes this one, just for being great. But wait, here comes the other half of the aardvark's tag team: the pangolin! And the pangolin wins just for being the only mammal with scales, and for being able to roll up into a defensive ball!

The spider monkey vs. the chimpanzee: The chimp can use tools, and is the primate closest in its genetic makeup to man (after woman). Plus, it's up to five times stronger than man. I'm actually kinda scared of them myself.

The rhea vs. the ostrich: The ostrich is way more ginormous than the rhea. Plus, its eggs are extremely more valuable. The ostrich could just sell some of its precious eggs and go buy some wicked awesome artillery with the money. As the ostrich roasts the rhea with his sweet flame-thrower, he says in his best Schwarzenegger voice, “you were born a rhea; now you're gonna die a rhea!”

The puma vs. the fossa (Madagascar is technically part of Africa, I think): The fossa jumps about in the trees like it's nothing. I bet they'd eat a puma for lunch. And wash him down with a panther or cougar or something.

The tarantula vs. those scary African sand crabs from “Winged Migration”: They both eat birds. They both give me nightmares. I'd say the tarantula is more poisonous, plus he can blind the crab by flinging spiky hairs off his back with his hind legs, and then maybe the stupid crab will try to rub his eyes and stab them out with those nasty horrifying pinchers.

The mosquito vs. the tsetse fly: Tsetse sounds pretty bad, but I think Malaria is worse. Gotta go with the Mosquito.

The peccary vs. the warthog: They seem like the same animal to me. But the peccary is uglier, and so maybe the warthog would run away or something.

The cavy vs. the meerkat: The meerkat has a better problem-free philosophy, and is much more intelligent-looking than the cavy, which is really just a South American version of a Guinea Pig.

The poison dart frog vs. the killer bee: The froggy here has more poison in him. It takes a whole posse of bees to kill a man, but only the poison from one frog. True, the bee can fly away, but I bet the frog will use his elastic tongue to catch him back anyway and give him a scolding or thrashing!

The sloth vs. anything, pretty much. I hate the sloth. It's the worst animal. And don't go saying it's a special creation of God. 'Cause then why is it one of the cardinal sins? The thing is so slow, algae grows on it, giving it its grimy green fur. And its fingernails give me the heebie-jeebies like none other. Worst animal ever! But let's just pair him off with, say, the cheetah, just for the fun of it. I think I can say, "enough said." And I think I can say it several times.

The guanaco vs. the giraffe: Ok, so let's say all of a sudden I'm a giraffe. And let's say I have to fight this stupid woolly alpaca thing, and I'm realizing, neither of us has any claws or horns or weapons of any kind. But I can run fast. So what I do is I run around and eat all the leaves off the bottoms of the trees. Then when they're all gone, I can feast upon the upper leaves while guano boy dies of starvation. Hey, all's fair in love and war and fictional epic animal battles.

The burro vs. the zebra: If you look closely, you'll see that these are exactly the same animal. Except one's dressed nicer, so he'll do better in job interviews and things. Plus, the zebra knows how to work the crowd, and he has street smarts. You can either go with the zebra and his zany Fruit Stripe gum, or with the burro and his gloomy Colombia House coffee. Zebra, all the way.

The toucan vs. the hornbill: The hornbill could probably spear that fruity toucan and all three of his lame little nephews with that special spearing horn on his nose. “Just follow THIS, Sammy!”

The anaconda vs. the asp: One killed Cleopatra. The other tried to get Jennifer Lopez, but didn't quite make it. Still, though, for sheer girth, I'm going to give this one to the anaconda. The asp is deadly, but nobody ever made a movie (terrible or otherwise) about it.I think that's about it.

You can do with the wildebeest whatever you'd like. Maybe he's held in Africa's reserve as a secret weapon. After all, they killed Mufasa. Oh, and I was going to pair up the rhinoceros with the triceratops, but then I realized that's a dinosaur, not a South American animal. Still, I would pay good money to see that fight, man.

The final tally is South America 6 : Africa 16 (plus the wildebeest, and oh, yeah, the hyena! duh!). Africa wins, hands down. Glad you asked.

--Wild

QDear 100 Hour Board,

So I have noticed that there are quite a few people here on campus that are democrats. It suprised me when I found out that there is actually a democrat club on campus. So here is my quesion. I don't want to start a political debate, i just want to see this from a church democrats point of view. The church is against abortion, and also against homosexuality. They strongly take their stance in those positions. But the political democrat side is pro abortion and wants more rights for homosexuals. So how does someone who is a church member that is a democrat justify the differences between their political beliefs and church beliefs? I just don't understand how someone could hear a general authority talk about how bad homosexuality is, and then go vote for someone that contridicts that.

- Political Wonderer

ADear Political Wonderer,

That's a valid question. I am not a Democrat, but I dated one seriously for a while, and so I understand a lot of their views that are misconstrued by others. There are several points to consider here.

First, there is no "Gospel Party" or "Mormon Party." Every party out there has policies that in some way conflict with someone's take on the gospel. The Democratic Party's line is one of "pro-Choice" (to use their own term for it), and they are interested in protecting the rights of gay (again, their word, not mine) Americans. These are positions that at first glance seem contrary to the gospel. They may indeed be, but in a moment I'll show you where a lot of this thinking comes from.

The question with homosexuality for a Mormon Democrat is not whether those practices are wrong (we all agree that they are), but whether the government should step in and legislate about it, and whether the people are being protected from discrimination. And don't try to say right away that they shouldn't. I'm pretty far to the right (maybe not quite as much as the Captain), and even I can see that discrimination in one area of a person's life based on a private area is wrong. The gospel stance on how we treat people with same-sex attraction is that we "love the sinner." That does not include preventing them from having certain jobs, nor harming them in any way. Many people will throw out the JST of Matthew 18:9 and say that we are to remove our offending brethren. These scriptures (in my opinion) are evidently about people who are abusive, particularly toward children (as evidences by the context of the chapter). Here is a long passage from Elder Dallin H. Oaks' talk entitled "Same Gender Attraction":

"In a conference address on this same subject, President Gordon B. Hinckley said: 'I desire now to say with emphasis that our concern for the bitter fruit of sin is coupled with Christlike sympathy for its victims, innocent or culpable. We advocate the example of the Lord, who condemned the sin, yet loved the sinner. We should reach out with kindness and comfort to the afflicted, ministering to their needs and assisting them with their problems.'

"Despite such invitations and assurances, the Church and its members continue to experience misunderstandings about our positions on these matters. Last fall in an interview with a television reporter, one of our Church officials was asked, 'What is being done in the Church to try to stop the atmosphere of hate towards homosexuals?' Nine years ago, during a television interview on this subject, I was questioned about reports that the Church taught or implied 'that these people are somehow pariahs … and these people hate themselves and that this is an attitude brought forth by the Church.'

"More significantly, we also receive such questions from faithful members. A recent letter is illustrative:"

'Another concern we have is the way in which our sons and daughters are classified as people who practice deviant and lascivious behavior. Perhaps some do, but most do not. These young men and women want only to survive, have a spiritual life, and stay close to their families and the Church. It is especially damaging when these negative references are spoken from the pulpit. We believe such talks only create more depression and a tremendous amount of guilt, shame, and lack of self-worth, which they have endured throughout their entire lives. There is sometimes a real lack of the pure love of Christ expressed to help them through their ordeals. We will all appreciate anything you can do to help with the plight of these much misunderstood children of our Father in Heaven. If some of the General Authorities could express more sensitivity to this problem, it would surely help to avoid suicides and schisms that are caused within families. Many simply cannot tolerate the fact that Church members judge them as "evil people," and they, therefore, find solace in gay-oriented lifestyles.'

"These communications surely show the need for improvement in our communications with brothers and sisters who are struggling with problems—all types of problems. Each member of Christ’s church has a clear-cut doctrinal responsibility to show forth love and to extend help and understanding. Sinners, as well as those who are struggling to resist inappropriate feelings, are not people to be cast out but people to be loved and helped (see 3 Ne. 18:22-23, 30, 32). At the same time, Church leaders and members cannot avoid their responsibility to teach correct principles and righteous behavior (on all subjects), even if this causes discomfort to some.

"Church leaders are sometimes asked whether there is any place in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints for persons with homosexual or lesbian susceptibilities or feelings. Of course there is. The degree of difficulty and the pattern necessary to forgo behavior and to control thoughts will be different with different individuals, but the message of hope and the hand of fellowship offered by the Church is the same for all who strive.

"I tried to describe the crucial distinctions in my answer to the television reporter who implied that the Church taught that 'these people are somehow pariahs.' I said:

"'The person that’s working [to resist] those tendencies ought not to feel himself to be a pariah. Now, quite a different thing is sexual relations outside of marriage. A person engaging in that kind of behavior should well feel guilt. They should well feel themselves estranged from God, who has given commandments against that kind of behavior. It’s not surprising to me that they would feel estranged from their church. What surprises me is that they would feel that the Church can revoke God’s commandments. … To the woman taken in adultery (which is a pretty good precedent for us), … [the Savior] was merciful and loving … , but he said, ‘Go thy way and sin no more.’ He loved the sinner; he condemned the sin. I think the Church does the same thing, imperfectly perhaps, but that’s what we teach our members: love the sinner, condemn the sin."

The most faithful Democratic Mormon is not trying to say that the church (ie. God) needs to change its stance on homosexuality. That person is often trying to say that the church (ie. the members) does. My aforementioned ex-girlfriend, by the way, participated in the Oakland, CA (or was it San Jose?) chapter of MESJ (pronounced "Message," though I was always telling her she should move to have the pronunciation officially changed to "Massage"), and she told me that the issue of same-sex attraction actually came up in a meeting, but the group decided not to touch that issue because it was one on which the various members of the group were split.

That's probably enough on that matter. On to the abortion issue: I am definitely not qualified to speak on this issue, but it has been my experience that most Mormon Democrats (hereafter referred to as Mormocrats for the sake of convenience and humor) are decidedly anti-abortion. This does not mean, however, that they necessarily are in favor of laws that prohibit abortion.

Now, obviously abortion is a vile and disgusting commission of the worst possible of acts against the (arguably) most innocent of victims. Before I go any further with this, let me reiterate that I am merely trying to defend the opinions of others, and I do not herein claim to maintain these positions in my own personal politics, so please do not yell at me. Anyway, the real issue that lies at the center of this matter is not whether a certain thing is against the commandments of the gospel, but whether it's the government's responsibility to step in. This can be seen as a matter of agency.

I've heard two theories about Satan's plan. We'll call them theory "L" and theory "R" (which stand for "left" and "right," in case you missed it). Theory "L" is that Satan was trying to force everyone to be righteous. An obvious way we could combat such a move from Satan would be to only worry about our own righteousness, and let others decide for themselves. Theory "R" is that Satan would make sure everyone was righteous by taking away the consequences of sin. This is the sort of thing you hear about from liberals--the idea that crime can be reduced by legalizing marijuana, for example. That may be an effective way to prevent crime, but it is not an effective way to prevent people from smoking marijuana. This is the same issue for many Mormocrats. They understand that abortion is against the commandments. They often just don't think that it should be against the law, as that limits a person's agency. Another argument they'll use is that during times when abortion was illegal, abortions still happened, but in unsafe conditions by people who were not doctors, thus putting the mother's life in danger as well. Those babies were not saved, and in those cases the mothers were often lost, too.

For the final thread in the tapestry of this answer, we'll have to assume (merely for the sake of illustration) that you're a Republican (which I also am not). To turn your questions around on you, the political Republican side is pro-tobacco and seems to largely ignore the commandments we've been given along with our responsiblity as stewards of the earth (see Doctrine and Covenants 59:18-20. Then think about McDonald's and Walmart and the effect these uber-corporations have on the land and its resources). So how does someone who is a church member that is a Republican justify the differences between their political beliefs and church beliefs? I think the answer to that question is the same as the answer to yours.

The Democratic Party does a seemingly better job that the Republican Party of a) keeping the commandments about caring for the poor, b) preaching the equality spoken of in Mosiah 27:3, and c) renouncing war (Doctrine and Covenants 98:16), as well as other matters that have been mentioned already, or that can be found by checking out http://www.gomakecontact.com/mesj/about-us/mission.html. I am going to send a copy of this to their contact e-mail to see if they feel it does the issue justice.

And that's all I have to say about that. Wow. Sorry I got carried away.

--Soapbox of Lies

CDear 100 Hour Board,

Sorry Uffish, I do have gmail otherwise I would thank you directly. You still rock though, and so does Skippy. Oh, and now BHM rocks too. Whoever BHM is. Anyone who likes granola people rocks.

- kesstacular

ADear bunnicula,

I like people granola. Do I rock?

--A cannibal

QDear 100 Hour Board,

I caught this Preying Mantis today and as it walked it would take a few steps, snatch at the air, and hop 3 inches. Take a few steps snatch at the air, hop forward three inches... So I put in a tree and it sort of continued in this pattern--climbing a bit and reaching out for leaves, etc. So I'm wondering exactly how much of a preying mantis' brain is instinct and how much is intellect. Preying manti are cool!

- Deb Robbins

ADear Deb,

Well, insects are strange things. The best argument I found on the instinct vs. intellect thing was actually on some Islaamic studies website. Check out the idea: colonies of ants and bees have an advanced society with complex inner workings that we humans could never hope to achieve. However, those communities are probably exactly like communities of ants from thousands of years ago. Humans, on the other hand, have had various ages (e.g. The Bronze Age or the Nuclear Age). We advance ourselves, and that sets us apart from the insects. Yes, maybe they have fascinating systems, but there's never a time when an insct says to itself, "Hey! I have a better idea on how to do this stuff." According to most modern scientists, insects are creatures of instinct, and not intellect. They're still cool, though. Have you noticed that mantises look a lot like aliens?

Oh, and Brainy Smurf wanted me to mention one more thing. "Mantis" comes from the Greek word for prophet or diviner. Greek suffixes seem to confuse people when it comes to pluralization. So here are some basic rules and then some examples of times when they're commonly misused: If a word from the Greek ends in "us," it is changed to an "i" to make it plural. If it ends in "is," it changes to "es." If it ends in "um," it changes to "a." Examples: axis=axes, focus=foci, agendum=agenda. Got it? Now the proper pluralization of mantis is "mantises," or if you want to sound cool and educated (which you obviously do), "mantes" (pronounced MAN-teez). You can indeed use the "i" at the end of cacti and octupi. "cactuses," "cactus," and "octopuses" are all correct alternative plural spellings of those words, too. Note that those words both have Greek roots. Walrus, which comes from Scandanavian roots, is not ever correctly rendered "walri." Use "walrus" or "walruses" instead.

--Wild

QDear 100 Hour Board,

What do you think about Descartes message, "I think therefore I am"? Do you think that he knew who he was before he said this or do you think that he thinks? Speaking of thinking, what do you think about the Thinker? Do you think the guy that posed for that got tired? Because, hello, I mean wouldn't you? And Tom Selleck in those 80's shorts and I love the Island Hopper uniforms. Love Yourself!
- Love me like you love Cows

ADear Love you from a distance,

We do appreciate when you split up unrelated questions into separate posts."Cogito ergo sum" is a great philosophy in my opinion. I have many wannabe friends who say things just to sound all nihilistic and ethereal. So the whole Descartes thing comes in handy when they say stuff like, "How do we even know if any of us exists (well, they say "exist," but I can't bring myself to consciously type bad grammar)?" To me, "I think, therefore I am" is the perfect counter to this. Obviously you exist if you're able to wonder if you do. Something is doing the wondering. The Thinker always makes me think of Dobie Gillis. I think that would be a cool name for a kid, but I bet everyone would think I got it from "Dobby" (a.k.a. Wannabe Gollum) of Harry Potter fame. The Thinker, though, is pretty neat. Statues can tell us a lot about ancient cultures. The Thinker tells me that back in the day before T.V. Guide or Uncle John's bathroom reader, they used to just sit there and think. What a neat concept! I don't think anyone had to pose for too long. The rest of your question doesn't really seem to be a question, so I'm not going to touch it.

--Brainy

QDear 100 Hour Board,

It seems the new athletic building has come complete with it’s own strawberry patch. Are there any policies (rules) on (against) students (me) picking (eating) the berries? Are there any other edible fruits growing on campus?

Many thanks,

A hungry student

ADear (esteemed) hungry (homeless) student (drifter),

The school (university) doesn't (does not) have (maintain) any policy (rule) against (precluding) the consumption (and subsequent digestion) of the strawberries (which are not actually berries). Students (you) can (may) eat (devour) the strawberries (not berries), but take heed (precaution): Physical Facilities (the Grounds crew) sprays (drenches) the soil (glorified word for dirt) with pesticides and herbicides (various poisons). Eat (ingest) them (the strawberries) if you (hungry student) will (want), but wash (rinse) them (the strawberries) before (prior to) doing so (eating them [the strawberries]). Thanks (grammercy) to Valerie (that's her real name) in the Physical Facilities (grounds) office (place of work).

--Greedy (covetous)

p.s. (postscript) You (hungry student) had better (should) get there (arrive) before (prior to) I (Greedy Smurf) do (get there).

And don't ever write like that again (please).

CDear S.K.,

i have seen the modern-day prophet playing cards at macey's by the checkout counters. however, i haven't been there in a while, so no guarantees.-

peanut

ADear all,Oh boy! It's punctuation time! Today's lesson: the hyphen (I promise I'm not making fun, but I thought this sentence was too funny to pass up).

We use a hyphen to connect an adjective to a noun when they're both being used to describe a noun. For example, when describing the prophet (noun), we call him "modern-day." The adjective "modern" is linked by a hyphen to the noun "day."

We don't do the same thing when the noun comes first. For example, we say "brick red house." To descibe a house that is the color of bricks. No hyphen. If we want to describe a house made of red bricks, though, we would call it a "red-brick" house. Or if we want to describe a red house made of bricks (maybe brown bricks painted red?) we would say "red brick house," since the red and brick aren't connected.

We hyphenate two nouns, as well, when they are describing another noun. Thus, "He has a dog-day mentality," or "That's a nice ice-cream-man mustache."

The reason I bring this up here is because this sentence is missing a hyphen, so it's saying something Peanut probably never intended. See? Peanut saw the modern-day prophet playing cards at Macey's. "Modern-day" is describing "prophet," whereas "modern-day-prophet" should be describing cards. It just makes it sound like Peanut saw President Hinckley playing poker at Macey's. Funny, huh? Oh, nevermind. I think I'm probably alone on this one....

--Brainy

QDear 100 Hour Board,

What do you do if someone threatens to scare you so badly you'll wet yourself? Is there any way to prepare yourself other then going to the bathroom previous to the time when you think you'll be scared?

- Wetless and Waiting

ADear waiting,

Depends.

--Jokey

QDear 100 Hour Board,

Why do they say that it is not a good idea to eat "jack" rabbits when hunting? In other words, cottontail rabbits are considered okay to eat but the "jack" aren't. What's the deal? Can I eat one? What might happen?

Curious

ADear Curious,

Jack rabbits are actually hares. There is a high level of superstition surrounding hares. It has been believed that witches transmogrify themselves into hares. Hares also have longer legs and tend to run faster (70 km/hr!) and be more active, so the meat is tougher and stringier. Stick to rabbits if you must eat a lagomorph.

--Wild

ADear Curious,

Hunters aren't the only ones who don't eat hares. Have you ever gotten a hare in your soup? What do you do? You send it back.

--Jokey

QDear 100 Hour Board,

Why do the word spelled B-R-E-A-K and the word spelled S-P-E-A-K not rhyme?

--Kitty the Badger

ADear Kitty the Badger,

I hope this post isn't lost on you. It's been seen that our language can be tough to sort through, though. I'm in danger of anger when I wonder or ponder about how easily "laughter" becomes "slaughter." So, do not despair when the good food of language is full of worms, or storms of linguistic trickery blow (and how!); keep in mind that the wind and rain go away, and again you'll feast on breast of beast that's better (but close) to those whose descriptions you'll ever read (or have read). My point is this: we English speakers are rule-breakers, and have come home to an accord about how a word is said, so "plaid" and "raid" are friends (not fiends) and you can bear to hear that there's no thought of a drought, that we're far from war and from harm and we're warm, and that "worm" is the norm.

--Poet (with help from his imaginary fiends, Darren and Warren)

Well, I haven't even delved into the confessor's stuff. I just searched for brainy, jokey, and poet so far. I'm sure I'll have plenty more that I want to keep for posterity's sake. Thanks for indulging me.

Well

I got really cheesed off today and told the wrong people. Everyone had been wondering who would be the first to do it. Well, ladies and gentlemen, it was me. They went too far. And then I went too far. And now the smurfs are dead. Same with the Confessor and Shoebox. It really is my own fault, but I can't say that it disturbs me too much right now. As long as the Board is what it is, I don't really mind not being a part of it. It was fun while it lasted, and it may be good again in the future, but for now I want no part of it.

Thanks

Tonight I sent out a mesage on the Board for my friends to come in and eat at my work and request me as their waiter if they felt like it. I was hoping a few would be there. Mostly I just wanted to see some friendly faces, since I was seriously stressing over the results of the post I put up last night. I couldn't believe it when The Duchess, Phoenix, Latro, Mynamyn, Dino-mite, Uffish Thought, Novel Concept, and Ma, Pa, and Baby Grape all came in. It really made me feel great. Validated, you know? It was just such a blessing to see them all there to support me. Well, and to eat some rocking good fajitas. While I was still serving them, Toasteroven showed up with four hot women. Kinda reminds me of his poem. So I got to serve them, too. A girl from our ward also came and requested me. The funniest part of the night was when I was going slowly up the stairs with everybody's specialty drinks and accidentally dumped them all down the front of my shirt. It was such a mess. I had to go change clothes. After everybody left, I just walked around doing my job and feeling the spirit so strongly. I am so glad to know that I have friends who will back me up when I need it. I love my fellow Board writers. They are such amazing people. You can't help but feel a special connection with people who can see the worst things about you but notice only the best. I really felt like if people had looked at me at that point, they could have seen the flames of the spirit licking my arms and just all of me. It was such a strong outpouring of Heavenly Father's love, made evident by the love of my friends. I couldn't stop smiling. The owner dropped by, and told me that he'd heard what I'd done. "Oh, you mean my huge spill?" I dumbly asked. "No, e-mailing all your friends and getting them to come in." Oh, right. He told me that he was going to give me a prize, and that from now on he'd be instructing the other servers to do the same thing. That was great. And now I'm home, and I'm happy, and I really still expect persecution ahead, but now I know I don't face it alone. Bless you, 100 Hour Board. You and all your writers.

Smurfs are Blue

Well, I haven't answered a single question since the Board went down. And I haven't updated my blog. And I wasn't really going to until the Board was back up. But today I read Still Struggling's post about becoming addicted to our blogs, so I guess I'd better put something up. And while I don't feel like writing anything, maybe I'll just let my little Smurf friends have a go at it. This is one Poet Smurf wrote.


One Morning

I peeled the sun and took a bite
And threw us into frozen night
So we could sneak around and play
(We never could by light of day)
Through static yards and neighborhoods
And into black inviting woods.

I grabbed the clouds and pulled the drain
To let out all the drippy rain
So I could hold your hand and run
Without the awful glare of sun
Through walls of rain so shiny wet
To wash our brain so we forget.

I took a deep breath just for fun
And blew the stars out one by one
So we could lie in solid black
With only dark beneath our back
Through years of brightest pain behind
But missing all because we’re blind.

--Poet


A.A. Melyngoch said it sounded like a Barenaked Ladies song. Shoebox would be proud, I'm sure. Oh, and Poet just stopped by, and he wants me to point out the pun in the title. I'm starting to become A.A. Milne, writing at my desk with all my imaginary friends coming by and critiquing what I've written about them. But I'm never so clever. Ever.