Thursday, November 04, 2004

War and Pizza

Was it Roy in the Kitchen with the knife? Was it Jayson in the conservatory with the fork? Perhaps Gravy in the den with the remote control? Whichever way you slice it, somebody ate the rest of my pizza!

Last night while I was hanging out with Uffish Thought and Phoenix, I ordered three large pizzas from Domino's. We really only needed maybe one and a half, but it was cheaper to buy them wholesale, and since I can't cook, I decided to buy the extras and just leave them in the fridge to last me a few days. Tonight, they were all gone. Well, actually, there were two slices of sausage left sitting on the counter, and they had apparently been there all day.

Now, normally I'm all about sharing what I have. However, in recent times I have become shriveled and envious of the cooking abilities of others (particularly my roommates). I don't even have an assigned cupboard or fridge-shelf, because I don't ever have any food here. It's become cheaper to buy food ready-to-eat at the store than to keep burning and ruining my groceries. I have a spot atop the fridge for some cereal and Doritos. That's really all, though. Every night I get home and there are three or four individual dinners being cooked on the stove. My roommates sit there and feast on the most sumptuous meals while I pathetically scrape Doritos dust off my fingertips with my teeth.

So tonight I am excited because I'm going to have a real meal (Well, cold pizza is a real meal to me. Oh, and it's cold because apparently our microwave broke yesterday. Hopefully that'll get fixed if and when the landlord comes to repair the toilet), but I get home to find the carrion that is three empty pizza boxes and some crusts and flies. Okay, maybe the flies were thrown in for dramatic measure. Anyway, you can imagine my despair.

And the worst part of it is, I go over to the referigerator, and I open it up, and all that's in there is my roommates' food. And that consists of ingredients, and not actual food. Like some kind of special flour, and raw meats, and vegetables that I don't think grow in the U.S. And the only bit of food I still have in the house is a single bottle of black horrid Noni Juice.

I don't know what I'm going to do, but I've considered just downing a whole little baggy of that special yellowish flour. Maybe that will cause in them the same kind of empty helpless longing that the missing pizza caused in me. First I need to make sure that stuff is really flour. I am suddenly reminded of yeast. I wonder what happens if a person eats that much yeast. Maybe this war will have to be a cold war.


Trueblat said...

Boy, does that sound familiar. I actually can cook a little, you know, like toast, and the occassional hamburger. I remember one time, I was really craving hamburgers for lunch, I go home, and found that my brother had cooked mac and cheese and added the last seven hamburgers to it and ate it all. Yeah, it sucks, don't it? Once this semester I resorted to eating ramon uncooked. That will be the first and last. Otherwise I've learned to go with one meal a day because I don't have time to buy food, cook it, or eat it if I did have it. At least we can look forward to eating after college.

erin said...

Dude, Noni Juice is not horrid. Actually, I now recommend MangoXan. That stuff is actually not bad. Not bad at all.

And I'd blame Gravy.

Trueblat said...

Is your e-mail on the board website wrong? I sent an e-mail expressing my apologies for my ignorance and inattentiveness. I don't think you got it though. That e-amil is different from your blog sight e-mail though. Anyway, if you did get my e-mail you may not have known it was from me and discarded it as junk, as it probably shows my real name and not my board name(or both, who knows). Just thought I'd let you know, and I apoligize for my inability to find your part of the joke. I should have known something was up the moment I noticed it was 'given away' in Skippy's response. Yet I'm not blonde without a reason.

Benvolio said...

I must disagree with Duchess, Noni Juice (correctly pronounced "naw-nee" so as to annoy anyone officially affiliated with the corporation) is indeed horrid. In fact, I commonly refer to it as butt juice in front of Nawnee employees. If I wasn't so fond of the chews I would mock the company in a blog entry, but I still like soft candies, no matter the butt aftertaste.