Tuesday, December 21, 2004

My Native Cheery Temperament.

Sometimes I feel bad about feeling so good all the time.

Don't get me wrong; my life has its challenges, and I've been through a lot af rather serious crap. It's just that that stuff never seems to get me down for too long. My default is set to "cheerful," I think. I know what you're thinking now: He just suppresses those negative feelings. I promise it's not like that, though. I never swing to the other end of the pendulum or get depressed or anything. My dad and my grandma are the same way. They both seem to approach life with a certain uncommon zeal.

So why should I be unhappy with this inexplicable happiness? Well, it makes things a bit awkward for me in a few different circumstances.

Sometimes I'm talking to people who have had similar trials to mine. They all seem pretty depressed about it. I feel like they feel like I'm rubbing something in their faces by being happy in spite of the situation.

Also, I have several friends who struggle with depression, and I fear (and have been told) that I come off insensitive to their feelings. It's true that I don't put much stock in feelings (other than the fruits of the spirit), but I have to admit that the only times I truly feel sad are the times when someone I care about is sad, and I can't fix it, and I can't even sympathize with it. Those are some of the saddest times of my life. It's true that I was sad when I had to come home sick from my mission, but even that was easier because I am used to accepting bad things that happen to me as the Lord's will. I was over that in about a day or two. But I can't accept my friends being so miserable that I can't reach them. I wish I could find some way to dive into the muck with them, but I can't. I'm just so dang happy all the time.

Like right now, after twelve and a half hours at work, I'm sitting here typing and smilin' to myself like a little boy whose teacher doesn't know about the frog in the boy's pocket. Just loving life. I just don't feel justified in doing so, when there are so many sad people out there. Oh, well. At least everyone believes it's just a facade.


Trueblat said...

You know, I could take this and post it pretty much exactly as is onto my blog, although I don't think my blog reflects my personality in that way too much. It did take me a while to work up to that though, and eventually it became me.

Case in point, a girl and I were working on a fairly large product, and nothing is going well for either of us. I'm just laughing and enjoying the situation and making fun of all of it until she turns to me and yells, "It's not funny." I was a little surprised by it, but my brother has noted the same thing about me.

Bored Engineer said...

Wow, that is so refreshing to read. The past six months or so I have often felt overwhelmed with exuberant joy. I think it really is joy, because it is far beyond the realm of happiness. Life is wonderful, and I couln't be happier.