I've decided I don't like our main manager at work. We'll call her Stacey, since that's her name. The other day I showed up to work early so I could eat some food before my shift started. It was busy when I walked in, and she said to me, "Oh, good, you're here. We just sat [sic] you." I've mentioned before that when I get hungry, I turn into Grouchy Smurf and just walk around silently hating things. So I just went over and clocked in and waited on my stupid tables. A while later I went to charge the credit card for my table, but in my cloud of cantankerousness I accidentally charged the wrong table. I had to go ask stupid fake green smiley Stacey to fix it for me. She was standing with Alecia, my sassy black manager.
"Stacey, I charged the wrong credit card. Could you fix it for me please?"
She gave me a disapproving smile. "Well, why'd you do that?"
I was so annoyed. I threw my hands up in the air. "Oh, I just thought it would be FUN to charge the wrong table! You know, just to change things up!"
She didn't know how to respond. "Let's just get this fixed for you," she said automatically.
A moment later we were standing at the computer, and I could see that the wheels were turning in her head. She clearly felt she'd been defeated, and I steeled myself for a second wave of the underhanded attack. She looked at me and said with a smile, "When you make this kind of mistake it charges the wrong amount to their card, and then I have to fix it."
I said, "I know," with a bit of an attitude.
"Well, I'm just telling you because this isn't okay!" she said, and laughed a bit.
"If it isn't okay," I said with mock chipperness, "then why are you smiling and laughing :) ?"
She fixed the credit card charge and didn't really say anything else after that.
I was worried later that I had pissed off the wrong person. A little while after that Alecia came up to me and told me that she loved me for having said what everyone else always wants to. Things are great at work now, and Stacey is going away.
Man, I love my job. I have another story about Snappy at work, but I am starving right now, and I'm too grouchy to tell it. Maybe tomorrow. I saw Supersize me last night, so now I've decided to not eat fast food any more. The problem is that I don't have any clue what else there is to eat, really. I'm screwed. I'm so hungry. The Blag Meister is cooking me some Rice-a-Roni right now. I can't wait.
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Thursday, April 21, 2005
The Afterlife
I should probably tell you guys about the time I died. I had some really neat experiences in the afterlife and I wanted to share them with you. I don't really talk about this experience very much, because it's really personal, but I learned some things there that I think people should know.
When I was 17 my car was hit by a man named Vonn. He was a midget, and I guess he had slipped down into his seat a bit too far and couldn't see me over the steering wheel. He died instantly, and I was pronounced dead on my way to the hospital.
Everything went black, and then it slowly turned white, like dawn on an overcast morning. When I came fully to my senses, I found that I was standing in a long line of people of all different types. I could even see Vonn the midget a little ways ahead of me when I stood off to the side a bit.
We were lined up against a beautiful stone wall. "Why isn't this line moving?" I asked an exotic-looking woman in front of me. When she answered, I was surprised. She answered in what I figured was Hindi, but I could understand exactly what she was saying: "The gates don't open until 10:00."
Beyond her right shoulder, on the wall, there was a sign that said: "The following attractions are closed today: Fountain of Youth, Streets of Gold, People Mover, Ang3l Chorus." It looked like they had run out of e's, so they had to use a backwards 3 instead.
After about an hour of waiting, there was a small commotion ahead of me in line. Vonn the Midget yelled loudly, "Screw all this waiting crap! I'm getting in right now!" He ran to the wall and scaled it pretty nimbly for someone of his stature and proportions. A moment later we saw him being escorted out by angels with night sticks. They pointed to a sign that said "You must be at least this tall to enter," then directed him to a line where there were a dozen or so "little people" waiting to get in. It was Midget Heaven. You might think this seems like a cruel trick played by God, but let me assure you that the midgets were very happy in their separate Heaven. Everything in Midget Heaven is miniaturized, and they go around blithely destroying tiny little metropolitan areas like they're Godzilla or something.
Anyway, after a while, the line started moving. When I got to the front, I set off the metal detector. Apparently my parents had put silver coins under my tongue in case I needed to pay Charon to get across the river Styx. Anyway, I spit out the coins and put them in the little basket and I made it through the metal detector on the next try. They gave me my angel clothes, and after I changed they showed me into a little office.
The Grim Reaper was sitting at the desk in there. There had been rumors while I was in line that I'd have to play him in some game to enter Heaven, but I was pretty sure they were bogus. Well, there he was after all, with that multi-layered chessish game from Star Trek. Who'd have known that the Grim Reaper was a Trekkie? He even had a little com-link on his tattered black robe. I was so annoyed. "That's not fair! There aren't even any rules to this game!" He just made the live-long-and-prosper sign and moved his first piece.
Let me take a moment to tell you that in person, the Grim Reaper is really creepy. You may find the idea of a nerdy grim reaper to be amusing, but in actuality he's just very scary. So if he wants to play Star Trek Nerd Chess with you, you play. End of story.
Anyway, I think I lost. I was never quite sure because at one point he just stopped moving. I waited for what seemed like half an hour. then I finally just got up nervously and headed for the door on the other side of the office from where I came in. It was that easy.
I walked right through, and found myself... in another office. The lady behind the counter was big and black and had a name tag that said "Cheryl."
"Hi!" she said brightly. "Okay, I'm just gonna need to see your birth certificate, death certificate, proof of residency, Social Security card, Medical records, W-2 forms for the last five years, Voter registration, draft card, and a photo ID." Luckily, my parents had packed all those things into a backpack for me as well as the silver coins. Except for the photo ID, that is. I offered her my high school yearbook. "See? That's me right there."
She blinked a couple of times, and then just started cracking up. She hit an intercom button on the counter. "Darci, you have to come see this! White boy up in here tryin to use his high school yearbook as ID." She had a great laugh, but it didn't make me feel any better. Darci and a few other secretary types came and just laughed and laughed at me. "4000 years I've been working this job and I have NEVER seen anybody try to get into Heaven with his high school yearbook." I was feeling a bit uncomfortable at this point. I was relieved when the ladies came to a consensus that I should be let in. "Welcome to Heaven, sir." As I approached the doorway that led to Heaven, I heard her still chuckling to herself, "white boy tried to use his year book...."
I stepped through the door. Another office. There was an angel with a terrible hairdo. I really hope she lived in the 1950s. Anyway, she was playing solitaire on a computer when I walked in. "Name?" she asked without even looking up. I told her. She started typing quickly like those ladies at airports. "Let's see, it looks like everything checks out. Driving record, employment record, credit, library fees, GPA--." She stopped typing and adjusted the computer screen so it pointed more directly at her. "Hmm, this isn't so good. You failed Algebra II. I really don't think you're ready for eternal bliss. I'm sorry," she said with a sticky smile. She reached for a button on her desk that was labeled "Denied." In desperation, I hit her upside the head with my yearbook and ran for the door. I think I might have broken her jewel-encrusted glasses, but I really don't care.
Through the next door, and into another office. You'd think I would have seen this coming by now. There was a man angel this time, with a broad game-show-host smile. He had a big book in front of him, and had his hands clasped in a "here's the steeple" position on the desk in front of him. "Hello there!" he greeted me. "This is the Book of life. I've been reviewing some things, and I'm not really sure you're what Heaven is looking for at this time."
"Why not?" I asked in an exasperated tone.
"Well, let's see," he said with a grunt as he turned the pages of the massive tome. "Like right here, for example. You ate in line at the salad bar."
"There's no rule against that!" I interjected.
"No, but it just kinda goes against social norms. Look, here's another example. You didn't floss regularly."
"But I never had any cavities!"
"Yes, well, you didn't try very hard to prevent them, either, did you? Look here," he said, turning a few more pages and then tapping a paragraph. "You pick your nose."
"Does everyone have to do this!? This is the worst thing I've ever been through!"
"And see, there you go ending a sentence in a preposition. I'm sorry, buddy, but I really don't think you have what it takes to join team Heaven."
He was reaching for a lever. "Wait!" I cried. I felt in the pocket of my angel robe. "How about you let me into Heaven, and I'll just never tell anybody that it was you who let me through." I slipped the silver coins onto his desk and pulled my hand away, letting the reality of the coins burrow into his brain. He looked confused for a moment, then met my gaze with a wry smile. His hand deftly stole up to the table and whisked away the coin.
"I didn't see anything," he said.
"Neither did I. Thank you sir."
I ran into the next office. "I swear," I said to myself, "Next time I'm going to be prepared for that.
There was an Amish angel at a desk. She had a plain black robe and a simple hat. "Let's see," she said as I walked in. She walked to a filing cabinet and pulled out a file with my name on it. "It says here you showed your ankles quite often in your mortality. I'm scandalized!"
"Oh, this is just ridiculous," I sighed.
"And you used birth control!!"
"I had acne!"
"My, my, my. You ate fatty foods, you wore buttons, you killed a man, you wore your baseball cap backwards on occasion, and you drank Mountain Dew."
"I had to drink Mountain Dew. I was trying to get Pepsi to sponsor my blog [Mountain Dew is all they drink in Heaven, by the way, because it is so delicious. It's just called nectar up there. Go buy some, and then write a letter to Pepsi saying I told you to]."
"I'm sorry, but I think we've just got too strong a case against you."
At this moment I had a brilliant idea. I called upon my 6th amendment right to the Assistance of Counsel for my defence. The angel looked annoyed, but sent for a lawyer right away. They sent me a lady angel in a pants suit who had just gotten a perm and still smelled like it. She and the Amish woman argued back and forth for a bit, and finally the lawyer got me off with the argument, "judge not that ye be not judged, or however that one goes." Free counsel is not often good counsel, I learned.
Oh, and plus, while they were arguing, I walked over to the filing cabinet and looked up the Amish angel's file, and found that she herself had had an affair while "in mortality," and I guess that's what she took from the whole "that ye be not judged" thing, because she let me go right after that. I was prepared for another office this time.
Which is why I was so surprised. I was on the bank of the river Styx, and there was this old skeleton-headed man waiting to ferry me across.
"CRAP!!!" I yelled. I had totally spent my last ancient Greek coins bribing that one angel guy. I saw the pearly gates on the other side of the river. It was too far for me to swim. Then I remembered that I was already dead, so I just swam across the murky water and the dead bodies anyway. It was disgusting, but when I got to the other side, the gates were close. I recovered for a bit, then went over and threw the gate open wide.
Bright white light poured from inside, and the sound of beautiful harps wafted across the air. I stepped inside.
Immediately, the light dimmed back down to a regular level so I could see. It was another office. It was huge and white.
There was a white desk in the center of the room with nobody behind it.
"Hello, my friend" said a voice from on high. I looked up. There was an old Mexican janitor angel at the top of a ladder up there. "I was just fixing the lights, man. They can get pretty bright in here." He climbed down the ladder and went over to the corner of the room and turned off the boom box that was playing the harp music. He unplugged it from the wall, gathered it up, grabbed the ladder, and started to leave through the door I'd come in through. He turned at the last moment and said, "Sorry again about all that. If those lights go all crazy like that again, you just give me a call, okay? I'm extension 347."
"Okay. Wait! Whose office is this?"
"It's yours, kid. Welcome to heaven. You made it. Now your job is to keep everyone else out." And with that, he was gone.
I guess I have to admit that that sounded like it could be fun at first. It had been such an ordeal for me to get there that I was excited at the prospect of stopping others who probably didn't deserve to get past me in the first place. After all, hadn't I shown a lot of cleverness in my arrival? Let's see who could top that. That probably would have kept me happy through the eternities, too, except for one problem. Nobody was making it that far.
I sat there for hours and twiddled my thumbs. I wished my parents had packed a rubik's cube or something. I've always wanted to figure those out. After a long time I picked up the phone and dialed extension 347.
"Bueno?"
"Hi, yeah, it's me."
"Oh, the new guy! Those lights wigging out on you again? I'll be right there."
"No, actually, I just had a question. Where is everyone else?"
"Oh, they're all in hell."
"ALL of them!?"
"pretty much, sí, the heathens. I guess there's some kind of huge fiesta going on down there."
It took me a whole two minutes to decide what to do. Then I got up from my desk, walked around to the front of it, reached over, pushed the "denied" button, and fell right through the floor.
I landed on a pile of trash at the end of a long, dark tunnel. People were crammed in there pretty tightly. As my eyes adjusted, I realized it was a line. People were waiting to get into Hell. I started to push my way forward. As I got closer to the front of the line, I saw the neon sign that said "Hell." It was really cool. People weren't willing to move so I could get a better view, so I got pretty ruthless and started shoving. I even jammed this one guy in the back with my car keys. Suddenly, someone grabbed me by the back of my shirt and lifted me up off the ground.
"YOU," came the booming voice. I was face to face with the middle head of a huge three-headed bouncer in a black tank-top and a name tag that said "Cerberus." I was afraid.
"You seem evil enough. You're in."
He threw me through the door into Hell. It was dark and smoky and there was screaming everywhere. It was so great. The screaming was coming from some heavy metal band on a stage with a huge mosh all around it. I bumped into my high school Algebra II teacher. "Isn't this place great?" she asked. "There's even a McDonald's here!"
She left to go say hi to Princess Di. I started toward the Walmart I could see at the other side of the cavern to see if I could buy one of the glow sticks that everyone seemed to have, when I bumped into Courtney Love.
"Hey, you're dead?" I inquired.
"No way, man, but this is the most happening party anywhere. Everyone hangs out in Hell." She excused herself because she was on in a few minutes, but as she was leaving, she said, "See you around." Can you believe that? Courtney Love said that to me!
Anyway, I partied there for about a week. I got to know Mother Theresa pretty well. She's a wicked break dancer, I must say. After that week, I noticed a back door with one of those glowing green exit signs. I walked through and found myself in Barstow, California. I guess there's some sort of portal between the two. I went back home (big shock to my folks, I know), and resumed life as usual. Anyway, I just wanted to share that with you all. I hope you feel like you know me a little bit better now, and the Universe as it really is.
When I was 17 my car was hit by a man named Vonn. He was a midget, and I guess he had slipped down into his seat a bit too far and couldn't see me over the steering wheel. He died instantly, and I was pronounced dead on my way to the hospital.
Everything went black, and then it slowly turned white, like dawn on an overcast morning. When I came fully to my senses, I found that I was standing in a long line of people of all different types. I could even see Vonn the midget a little ways ahead of me when I stood off to the side a bit.
We were lined up against a beautiful stone wall. "Why isn't this line moving?" I asked an exotic-looking woman in front of me. When she answered, I was surprised. She answered in what I figured was Hindi, but I could understand exactly what she was saying: "The gates don't open until 10:00."
Beyond her right shoulder, on the wall, there was a sign that said: "The following attractions are closed today: Fountain of Youth, Streets of Gold, People Mover, Ang3l Chorus." It looked like they had run out of e's, so they had to use a backwards 3 instead.
After about an hour of waiting, there was a small commotion ahead of me in line. Vonn the Midget yelled loudly, "Screw all this waiting crap! I'm getting in right now!" He ran to the wall and scaled it pretty nimbly for someone of his stature and proportions. A moment later we saw him being escorted out by angels with night sticks. They pointed to a sign that said "You must be at least this tall to enter," then directed him to a line where there were a dozen or so "little people" waiting to get in. It was Midget Heaven. You might think this seems like a cruel trick played by God, but let me assure you that the midgets were very happy in their separate Heaven. Everything in Midget Heaven is miniaturized, and they go around blithely destroying tiny little metropolitan areas like they're Godzilla or something.
Anyway, after a while, the line started moving. When I got to the front, I set off the metal detector. Apparently my parents had put silver coins under my tongue in case I needed to pay Charon to get across the river Styx. Anyway, I spit out the coins and put them in the little basket and I made it through the metal detector on the next try. They gave me my angel clothes, and after I changed they showed me into a little office.
The Grim Reaper was sitting at the desk in there. There had been rumors while I was in line that I'd have to play him in some game to enter Heaven, but I was pretty sure they were bogus. Well, there he was after all, with that multi-layered chessish game from Star Trek. Who'd have known that the Grim Reaper was a Trekkie? He even had a little com-link on his tattered black robe. I was so annoyed. "That's not fair! There aren't even any rules to this game!" He just made the live-long-and-prosper sign and moved his first piece.
Let me take a moment to tell you that in person, the Grim Reaper is really creepy. You may find the idea of a nerdy grim reaper to be amusing, but in actuality he's just very scary. So if he wants to play Star Trek Nerd Chess with you, you play. End of story.
Anyway, I think I lost. I was never quite sure because at one point he just stopped moving. I waited for what seemed like half an hour. then I finally just got up nervously and headed for the door on the other side of the office from where I came in. It was that easy.
I walked right through, and found myself... in another office. The lady behind the counter was big and black and had a name tag that said "Cheryl."
"Hi!" she said brightly. "Okay, I'm just gonna need to see your birth certificate, death certificate, proof of residency, Social Security card, Medical records, W-2 forms for the last five years, Voter registration, draft card, and a photo ID." Luckily, my parents had packed all those things into a backpack for me as well as the silver coins. Except for the photo ID, that is. I offered her my high school yearbook. "See? That's me right there."
She blinked a couple of times, and then just started cracking up. She hit an intercom button on the counter. "Darci, you have to come see this! White boy up in here tryin to use his high school yearbook as ID." She had a great laugh, but it didn't make me feel any better. Darci and a few other secretary types came and just laughed and laughed at me. "4000 years I've been working this job and I have NEVER seen anybody try to get into Heaven with his high school yearbook." I was feeling a bit uncomfortable at this point. I was relieved when the ladies came to a consensus that I should be let in. "Welcome to Heaven, sir." As I approached the doorway that led to Heaven, I heard her still chuckling to herself, "white boy tried to use his year book...."
I stepped through the door. Another office. There was an angel with a terrible hairdo. I really hope she lived in the 1950s. Anyway, she was playing solitaire on a computer when I walked in. "Name?" she asked without even looking up. I told her. She started typing quickly like those ladies at airports. "Let's see, it looks like everything checks out. Driving record, employment record, credit, library fees, GPA--." She stopped typing and adjusted the computer screen so it pointed more directly at her. "Hmm, this isn't so good. You failed Algebra II. I really don't think you're ready for eternal bliss. I'm sorry," she said with a sticky smile. She reached for a button on her desk that was labeled "Denied." In desperation, I hit her upside the head with my yearbook and ran for the door. I think I might have broken her jewel-encrusted glasses, but I really don't care.
Through the next door, and into another office. You'd think I would have seen this coming by now. There was a man angel this time, with a broad game-show-host smile. He had a big book in front of him, and had his hands clasped in a "here's the steeple" position on the desk in front of him. "Hello there!" he greeted me. "This is the Book of life. I've been reviewing some things, and I'm not really sure you're what Heaven is looking for at this time."
"Why not?" I asked in an exasperated tone.
"Well, let's see," he said with a grunt as he turned the pages of the massive tome. "Like right here, for example. You ate in line at the salad bar."
"There's no rule against that!" I interjected.
"No, but it just kinda goes against social norms. Look, here's another example. You didn't floss regularly."
"But I never had any cavities!"
"Yes, well, you didn't try very hard to prevent them, either, did you? Look here," he said, turning a few more pages and then tapping a paragraph. "You pick your nose."
"Does everyone have to do this!? This is the worst thing I've ever been through!"
"And see, there you go ending a sentence in a preposition. I'm sorry, buddy, but I really don't think you have what it takes to join team Heaven."
He was reaching for a lever. "Wait!" I cried. I felt in the pocket of my angel robe. "How about you let me into Heaven, and I'll just never tell anybody that it was you who let me through." I slipped the silver coins onto his desk and pulled my hand away, letting the reality of the coins burrow into his brain. He looked confused for a moment, then met my gaze with a wry smile. His hand deftly stole up to the table and whisked away the coin.
"I didn't see anything," he said.
"Neither did I. Thank you sir."
I ran into the next office. "I swear," I said to myself, "Next time I'm going to be prepared for that.
There was an Amish angel at a desk. She had a plain black robe and a simple hat. "Let's see," she said as I walked in. She walked to a filing cabinet and pulled out a file with my name on it. "It says here you showed your ankles quite often in your mortality. I'm scandalized!"
"Oh, this is just ridiculous," I sighed.
"And you used birth control!!"
"I had acne!"
"My, my, my. You ate fatty foods, you wore buttons, you killed a man, you wore your baseball cap backwards on occasion, and you drank Mountain Dew."
"I had to drink Mountain Dew. I was trying to get Pepsi to sponsor my blog [Mountain Dew is all they drink in Heaven, by the way, because it is so delicious. It's just called nectar up there. Go buy some, and then write a letter to Pepsi saying I told you to]."
"I'm sorry, but I think we've just got too strong a case against you."
At this moment I had a brilliant idea. I called upon my 6th amendment right to the Assistance of Counsel for my defence. The angel looked annoyed, but sent for a lawyer right away. They sent me a lady angel in a pants suit who had just gotten a perm and still smelled like it. She and the Amish woman argued back and forth for a bit, and finally the lawyer got me off with the argument, "judge not that ye be not judged, or however that one goes." Free counsel is not often good counsel, I learned.
Oh, and plus, while they were arguing, I walked over to the filing cabinet and looked up the Amish angel's file, and found that she herself had had an affair while "in mortality," and I guess that's what she took from the whole "that ye be not judged" thing, because she let me go right after that. I was prepared for another office this time.
Which is why I was so surprised. I was on the bank of the river Styx, and there was this old skeleton-headed man waiting to ferry me across.
"CRAP!!!" I yelled. I had totally spent my last ancient Greek coins bribing that one angel guy. I saw the pearly gates on the other side of the river. It was too far for me to swim. Then I remembered that I was already dead, so I just swam across the murky water and the dead bodies anyway. It was disgusting, but when I got to the other side, the gates were close. I recovered for a bit, then went over and threw the gate open wide.
Bright white light poured from inside, and the sound of beautiful harps wafted across the air. I stepped inside.
Immediately, the light dimmed back down to a regular level so I could see. It was another office. It was huge and white.
There was a white desk in the center of the room with nobody behind it.
"Hello, my friend" said a voice from on high. I looked up. There was an old Mexican janitor angel at the top of a ladder up there. "I was just fixing the lights, man. They can get pretty bright in here." He climbed down the ladder and went over to the corner of the room and turned off the boom box that was playing the harp music. He unplugged it from the wall, gathered it up, grabbed the ladder, and started to leave through the door I'd come in through. He turned at the last moment and said, "Sorry again about all that. If those lights go all crazy like that again, you just give me a call, okay? I'm extension 347."
"Okay. Wait! Whose office is this?"
"It's yours, kid. Welcome to heaven. You made it. Now your job is to keep everyone else out." And with that, he was gone.
I guess I have to admit that that sounded like it could be fun at first. It had been such an ordeal for me to get there that I was excited at the prospect of stopping others who probably didn't deserve to get past me in the first place. After all, hadn't I shown a lot of cleverness in my arrival? Let's see who could top that. That probably would have kept me happy through the eternities, too, except for one problem. Nobody was making it that far.
I sat there for hours and twiddled my thumbs. I wished my parents had packed a rubik's cube or something. I've always wanted to figure those out. After a long time I picked up the phone and dialed extension 347.
"Bueno?"
"Hi, yeah, it's me."
"Oh, the new guy! Those lights wigging out on you again? I'll be right there."
"No, actually, I just had a question. Where is everyone else?"
"Oh, they're all in hell."
"ALL of them!?"
"pretty much, sí, the heathens. I guess there's some kind of huge fiesta going on down there."
It took me a whole two minutes to decide what to do. Then I got up from my desk, walked around to the front of it, reached over, pushed the "denied" button, and fell right through the floor.
I landed on a pile of trash at the end of a long, dark tunnel. People were crammed in there pretty tightly. As my eyes adjusted, I realized it was a line. People were waiting to get into Hell. I started to push my way forward. As I got closer to the front of the line, I saw the neon sign that said "Hell." It was really cool. People weren't willing to move so I could get a better view, so I got pretty ruthless and started shoving. I even jammed this one guy in the back with my car keys. Suddenly, someone grabbed me by the back of my shirt and lifted me up off the ground.
"YOU," came the booming voice. I was face to face with the middle head of a huge three-headed bouncer in a black tank-top and a name tag that said "Cerberus." I was afraid.
"You seem evil enough. You're in."
He threw me through the door into Hell. It was dark and smoky and there was screaming everywhere. It was so great. The screaming was coming from some heavy metal band on a stage with a huge mosh all around it. I bumped into my high school Algebra II teacher. "Isn't this place great?" she asked. "There's even a McDonald's here!"
She left to go say hi to Princess Di. I started toward the Walmart I could see at the other side of the cavern to see if I could buy one of the glow sticks that everyone seemed to have, when I bumped into Courtney Love.
"Hey, you're dead?" I inquired.
"No way, man, but this is the most happening party anywhere. Everyone hangs out in Hell." She excused herself because she was on in a few minutes, but as she was leaving, she said, "See you around." Can you believe that? Courtney Love said that to me!
Anyway, I partied there for about a week. I got to know Mother Theresa pretty well. She's a wicked break dancer, I must say. After that week, I noticed a back door with one of those glowing green exit signs. I walked through and found myself in Barstow, California. I guess there's some sort of portal between the two. I went back home (big shock to my folks, I know), and resumed life as usual. Anyway, I just wanted to share that with you all. I hope you feel like you know me a little bit better now, and the Universe as it really is.
Monday, April 18, 2005
Appliance Healers
Pinetree made me a cool cd. I love it. I was trying to show Wiggle the Twelve Girl Band cover of "Clocks," so I popped the cd into Toasteroven's laptop. It played for a bit, but then it went all crazy. The cd got stuck in the computer and wouldn't play. When Toasteroven tried to open it, the face of the disk drive popped off. It made me really sad. Primarily, I was sad because the computer was broken and it was my awesome cd that had done it. Secondarily, I was sad that my cd was still in there, because it was such an awesome cd, and this meant I couldn't listen anymore.
I told Pinetree how mad I was at the computer for breaking. He told me I should kick it. You shouldn't tell me these things. So, without even getting up from my chair, I reached my foot up (I'm ridiculously, freakishly limber) and gave the computer a light tap with my foot. The cd ejected right away. Pinetree, you're a freaking genius. Toasteroven, sorry I kicked your computer. Pinetree made me.
I told Pinetree how mad I was at the computer for breaking. He told me I should kick it. You shouldn't tell me these things. So, without even getting up from my chair, I reached my foot up (I'm ridiculously, freakishly limber) and gave the computer a light tap with my foot. The cd ejected right away. Pinetree, you're a freaking genius. Toasteroven, sorry I kicked your computer. Pinetree made me.
Sunday, April 17, 2005
Friday, April 15, 2005
Toasterovens Need Not Apply
I hope enough time has passed that I can tell this story and totally razz my roommate about this funny thing he's done. At any rate, it makes me laugh, and I want to share it.
So Toasteroven decided to apply for a job at the Mexican restaurant where I work. I wasn't able to be there for the interview, but from what I can gather from both sides, the discussion included the following:
"Describe for me your favorite food."
"Oh, Gushers. They're made from dried fruit and they have juice inside. I sometimes eat like two boxes of them in one day."
"Okay, do you like Mexican food?"
"Actually, not really, but I can fake it."
When he recounted this to me, I couldn't help but laugh.
"Why did you tell them you don't like Mexican food?"
"Well, I thought they would value my integrity."
"Well, Toasteroven, you sure killed that the moment you said you could fake it. Why didn't you just fake it right then?"
"Oh. I didn't think of that."
Poor little Toasty. You just kill me sometimes, bro.
Note: think of this more as a historical fiction, since, as I said, I've had to recreate these conversations for which I wasn't present. You can still see why it's so funny to me, though, right? Maybe I should have waited until after he got that job before I shared this. Oh, well. You know I love you.
So Toasteroven decided to apply for a job at the Mexican restaurant where I work. I wasn't able to be there for the interview, but from what I can gather from both sides, the discussion included the following:
"Describe for me your favorite food."
"Oh, Gushers. They're made from dried fruit and they have juice inside. I sometimes eat like two boxes of them in one day."
"Okay, do you like Mexican food?"
"Actually, not really, but I can fake it."
When he recounted this to me, I couldn't help but laugh.
"Why did you tell them you don't like Mexican food?"
"Well, I thought they would value my integrity."
"Well, Toasteroven, you sure killed that the moment you said you could fake it. Why didn't you just fake it right then?"
"Oh. I didn't think of that."
Poor little Toasty. You just kill me sometimes, bro.
Note: think of this more as a historical fiction, since, as I said, I've had to recreate these conversations for which I wasn't present. You can still see why it's so funny to me, though, right? Maybe I should have waited until after he got that job before I shared this. Oh, well. You know I love you.
Friday, April 08, 2005
America's 100 Best
Reader's Digest this week has a story on America's 100 best. It's really 100 American bests. So I'm going to make the same list. 100 of my favorites, by category.
Okay, so I first wrote the list, then had to figure out what my favorites are. After I did that I realized I needed to include the second-place pick as well, since some of these things were too good to not include on the list. So here you go:
1: Classical Composer: Grieg (Beethoven)
2: Muppet: Crazy Harry (Rowlf)
3: Game Show: Jeopardy (The Newlywed Game)
4: Vegetable: Corn (Onions)
5: Candy Bar: Tropical Almond Joy (Payday)
6: Sitcom: Seinfeld (That 70s Show)
7: Movie: Gattaca (Rudy)
8: Food: Twinkies (Croutons)
9: Superhero: The Confessor (Aquaman)
10: Number: 22 (11)
11: Color: Orange (Royal Purple)
12: Foreign Country: Madagascar (New Zealand)
13: Band: The Barenaked Ladies (Cake)
14: Smurf: Snappy (Grouchy)
15: Burger: Double Double, ksgr only (Sourdough Jack)
16: Magazine: Entertainment Weekly (Highlights for Children)
17: Book: Through the Looking Glass (Peter Pan)
18: Asian: Margaret Cho (Mao)
19: Crime: Kidnapping (Loitering)
20: Season: Autumn (Summer)
21: Elvis Song: In the Ghetto (Hound Dog)
22: Musical Instrument: String Bass (Digeridoo)
23: Insect: Mantis (Lightning Bug)
24: Spice Girl: Posh (Baby)
25: Provo Location: Vermillion Skies (Kirtland, Ohio)
26: Stephen King Novel: The Stand (Needful Things)
27: Restaurant: Chevy's (Palby's)
28: Place: Wooden Roller Coaster (Beach)
29: Gem: Orange Topaz (Emerald)
30: Famous Lesbian: Margaret Cho (Melissa Etheridge)
31: Video Game: Banjo Kazooie (The Legend of Zelda: The Ocarina of Time)
32: Comic Strip: Calvin and Hobbes (Dilbert)
33: Letter: Q (X)
34: Bird: Peacock (Emu)
35: Natural Disaster: Volcanic Eruption (Meteor)
36: Mouse: Sneezer (Chuck E Cheese)
37: Disease: Kuru (Ebola)
38: Political Party: Libertarian (Green)
39: Painting: Sistine Chapel (Last Supper)
40: American Novel: Snow Falling on Cedars (The Things They Carried)
41: Musical: Les Miserables (Once Upon a Mattress)
42: Tree: Redwood (Douglas Fur)
43: Baseball Team: A's (Giants)
44: Ice Cream Flavor: Swiss Orange Chip (Rocky Road)
45: Landmark: Golden Gate Bridge (Sphinx)
46: Merit Badge: Astronomy (Wilderness Survival)
47: Language: English (Latin)
48: Dinosaur: Iguanodon (Godzilla)
49: Disney Movie: Hercules (The Fox and the Hound)
50: Spice: Cumin (Oregano)
51: TV Show: The X-Files (Saturday Night Live)
52: Pet: Raccoon (Skunk)
53: Female Vocalist: Jewel (Sarah McLachlan)
54: Continent: Africa (Australia)
55: Cereal: Honey Bunches of Oats with Strawberries (Cracklin Oat Bran)
56: Fast Food: Chick-fil-A (Taco Bell)
57: Weather: Raining (Overcast)
58: Hair Care Product: Tea Tree Pomade (Got2b Glued)
59: President: Lincoln (Pierce)
60: Dr. Seuss Book: One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish (Butter Battle Book)
61: Word: Zeugma (Fondle)
62: Sexual Position: Haha Just Kidding (Missionary)
63: Old Person: President Hinckley (Grandma)
64: Harry Potter Character: Lupin (Firenze)
65: Weapon: Crossbow (Candlestick)
66: Thing to Eat: Porkypines (Chickem Enchiladas)
67: Classic Rock Band: Kansas (Led Zepplin)
68: Animal: Fossa (Mosquito)
69: Fruit: Pinetree (Pomegranate)
70: SNL Alum: Gilda Radner (Tracy Morgan)
71: Root Beer: IBC (A&W)
72: Curse Word: B word (Dumbass)
73: Flower: Poppy (Sunflower)
74: Sport: Wate Polo (Football)
75: Greek God: Hermes (Poseidon)
76: Board Game: Trivial Pursuit (Scattergories)
77: Beatles Song: Nowhere Man (Elanor Rigby)
78: Hymn: How Great Thou Art (I Believe in Christ)
79: Jelly Belly: Juicy Pear (Buttered Popcorn)
80: Punctuation Mark: Elipsis (Exclamation Point)
81: Bone: Hyoid (Scapula)
82: Car: Volkswagen Bug (Porche 911 Convertible)
83: Soup: French Onion (Tomato)
84: Black: George Washington Carver (Bill Cosby)
85: Cologne: Very Sexy (Aqua di Gio)
86: Comedic Movie: Dumb and Dumber (A Christmas Story)
87: Card Game: Spades (Phase Ten)
88: Job: EFY Counselor (Movie Projectionist)
89: Category So Far: This One (Sexual Position)
90: Holiday: Easter (Thanksgiving)
91: Marsupial: Wallaby (Koala)
92: Organ: Tongue (Gall Bladder)
93: Football Player: Joe Montana (Steve Young)
94: Jam: Raspberry (Strawberry)
95: Appliance: Toasteroven (Blender)
96: Fish: African Lungfish (Tiger Shark)
97: Meat: Chipped Beef (Breakfast Sausage)
98: Soda: Hansen's Cherry Vanilla (Squirt)
99: Tool: Monkey Wrench (Mallet)
100: Actress: Catherine Zeta Jones (Nicole Kidman)
Okay, so I first wrote the list, then had to figure out what my favorites are. After I did that I realized I needed to include the second-place pick as well, since some of these things were too good to not include on the list. So here you go:
1: Classical Composer: Grieg (Beethoven)
2: Muppet: Crazy Harry (Rowlf)
3: Game Show: Jeopardy (The Newlywed Game)
4: Vegetable: Corn (Onions)
5: Candy Bar: Tropical Almond Joy (Payday)
6: Sitcom: Seinfeld (That 70s Show)
7: Movie: Gattaca (Rudy)
8: Food: Twinkies (Croutons)
9: Superhero: The Confessor (Aquaman)
10: Number: 22 (11)
11: Color: Orange (Royal Purple)
12: Foreign Country: Madagascar (New Zealand)
13: Band: The Barenaked Ladies (Cake)
14: Smurf: Snappy (Grouchy)
15: Burger: Double Double, ksgr only (Sourdough Jack)
16: Magazine: Entertainment Weekly (Highlights for Children)
17: Book: Through the Looking Glass (Peter Pan)
18: Asian: Margaret Cho (Mao)
19: Crime: Kidnapping (Loitering)
20: Season: Autumn (Summer)
21: Elvis Song: In the Ghetto (Hound Dog)
22: Musical Instrument: String Bass (Digeridoo)
23: Insect: Mantis (Lightning Bug)
24: Spice Girl: Posh (Baby)
25: Provo Location: Vermillion Skies (Kirtland, Ohio)
26: Stephen King Novel: The Stand (Needful Things)
27: Restaurant: Chevy's (Palby's)
28: Place: Wooden Roller Coaster (Beach)
29: Gem: Orange Topaz (Emerald)
30: Famous Lesbian: Margaret Cho (Melissa Etheridge)
31: Video Game: Banjo Kazooie (The Legend of Zelda: The Ocarina of Time)
32: Comic Strip: Calvin and Hobbes (Dilbert)
33: Letter: Q (X)
34: Bird: Peacock (Emu)
35: Natural Disaster: Volcanic Eruption (Meteor)
36: Mouse: Sneezer (Chuck E Cheese)
37: Disease: Kuru (Ebola)
38: Political Party: Libertarian (Green)
39: Painting: Sistine Chapel (Last Supper)
40: American Novel: Snow Falling on Cedars (The Things They Carried)
41: Musical: Les Miserables (Once Upon a Mattress)
42: Tree: Redwood (Douglas Fur)
43: Baseball Team: A's (Giants)
44: Ice Cream Flavor: Swiss Orange Chip (Rocky Road)
45: Landmark: Golden Gate Bridge (Sphinx)
46: Merit Badge: Astronomy (Wilderness Survival)
47: Language: English (Latin)
48: Dinosaur: Iguanodon (Godzilla)
49: Disney Movie: Hercules (The Fox and the Hound)
50: Spice: Cumin (Oregano)
51: TV Show: The X-Files (Saturday Night Live)
52: Pet: Raccoon (Skunk)
53: Female Vocalist: Jewel (Sarah McLachlan)
54: Continent: Africa (Australia)
55: Cereal: Honey Bunches of Oats with Strawberries (Cracklin Oat Bran)
56: Fast Food: Chick-fil-A (Taco Bell)
57: Weather: Raining (Overcast)
58: Hair Care Product: Tea Tree Pomade (Got2b Glued)
59: President: Lincoln (Pierce)
60: Dr. Seuss Book: One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish (Butter Battle Book)
61: Word: Zeugma (Fondle)
62: Sexual Position: Haha Just Kidding (Missionary)
63: Old Person: President Hinckley (Grandma)
64: Harry Potter Character: Lupin (Firenze)
65: Weapon: Crossbow (Candlestick)
66: Thing to Eat: Porkypines (Chickem Enchiladas)
67: Classic Rock Band: Kansas (Led Zepplin)
68: Animal: Fossa (Mosquito)
69: Fruit: Pinetree (Pomegranate)
70: SNL Alum: Gilda Radner (Tracy Morgan)
71: Root Beer: IBC (A&W)
72: Curse Word: B word (Dumbass)
73: Flower: Poppy (Sunflower)
74: Sport: Wate Polo (Football)
75: Greek God: Hermes (Poseidon)
76: Board Game: Trivial Pursuit (Scattergories)
77: Beatles Song: Nowhere Man (Elanor Rigby)
78: Hymn: How Great Thou Art (I Believe in Christ)
79: Jelly Belly: Juicy Pear (Buttered Popcorn)
80: Punctuation Mark: Elipsis (Exclamation Point)
81: Bone: Hyoid (Scapula)
82: Car: Volkswagen Bug (Porche 911 Convertible)
83: Soup: French Onion (Tomato)
84: Black: George Washington Carver (Bill Cosby)
85: Cologne: Very Sexy (Aqua di Gio)
86: Comedic Movie: Dumb and Dumber (A Christmas Story)
87: Card Game: Spades (Phase Ten)
88: Job: EFY Counselor (Movie Projectionist)
89: Category So Far: This One (Sexual Position)
90: Holiday: Easter (Thanksgiving)
91: Marsupial: Wallaby (Koala)
92: Organ: Tongue (Gall Bladder)
93: Football Player: Joe Montana (Steve Young)
94: Jam: Raspberry (Strawberry)
95: Appliance: Toasteroven (Blender)
96: Fish: African Lungfish (Tiger Shark)
97: Meat: Chipped Beef (Breakfast Sausage)
98: Soda: Hansen's Cherry Vanilla (Squirt)
99: Tool: Monkey Wrench (Mallet)
100: Actress: Catherine Zeta Jones (Nicole Kidman)
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
Corned Beef Hash
Warning: I know it seems absurd with such a title, but this post is rated PG-13 or 15 or so.
My friend Banjo and I got so good at Taboo that we could do them all in one or two words.
Banjo: Bubbles
Smurf: Root beer!
Banjo: Not at a crime
Smurf: Bannister
Banjo: Doo doo doo
Smurf: Tchaikovsky!
We could get up to 14 or 15 in one turn. The trick was to boast about our mental connection while at the same time acting like we'd never played before. "So is this kinda like Password? We're really good at Password."
Then we'd destroy them.
There was one card that caused us particular consternation, however. It was one that read "corned beef hash." Banjo had never tried it, and he couldn't ever seem to get a grasp on what it was from my descriptions. "Wait, it's dog food for people? I don't get this."
Then came Youth Conference 1998. We did a canned food drive for the homeless as our service project. One of the bags that were left for us contained a can of precious corned beef hash! I was ecstatic. This was our chance!
When we got back to the church where our dance would be held that evening, we set down our bags with all the rest, but I walked away with one stray can in my hand. I walked toward the room where my backpack was stored, but the door was locked. I turned around to find some other place to stash the hash, but there were some church-lady types coming up the hall toward me. I ducked into the men's room and looked around for a hiding spot. I noticed one of those air-freshener things high on the wall, so I stuck it on top of that where it wouldn't be noticed. I did my business, and then as I was washing my hands I noticed the problem. The can was clearly visible in the mirror. I got it back down and peeked into the hall. The door to my backpack was locked, and the ladies were still barricading the other end of the hall with their gossip. I was getting desperate. I looked in the stall.
Then I got an idea!
An awful idea!
THE SMURF
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
I took the wrapper off of the can (container), took the lid off of the can (toilet), and stuck the hash in the water in the back of the crapper. I would come back for it later.
Later:
During the dance, I was walking by that hall to get a drink of water when I noticed that the room with my backpack was open. I made haste, running inside the bathroom, throwing open the stall door, and--
--and the fat Mexican kid inside the stall had been masturbating when I first burst in, but now he was yelling at me. "What are you doing in here!?"
"What are YOU doing in here!?" I gasped. I was far away from the stall by this point.
"What's your problem? Why don't you knock?" he demanded.
"Why don't you lock the door?" I countered, "especially if you're going to be doing...." I fled.
In my head the whole time, I was just thinking, "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHGHHHHHHH."
A few minutes later I saw el Mexicano gordo y masturbante back on the dance floor with some innocent young girl in his manos, so I cautiously slipped back into the bathroom, retrieved the can, and packed it away in my backpack.
Banjo and Tox and I ate it the hash the next morning, and Banjo got to see just how barely tolerable the stuff really was. We had learned our lesson, though: never ever ever steal from the homeless. Bad things happen. There was one positive outcome of the whole ordeal, however....
Banjo: Masturbating Mexican
Smurf: Corned Beef Hash!
We were unstoppable, baby.
My friend Banjo and I got so good at Taboo that we could do them all in one or two words.
Banjo: Bubbles
Smurf: Root beer!
Banjo: Not at a crime
Smurf: Bannister
Banjo: Doo doo doo
Smurf: Tchaikovsky!
We could get up to 14 or 15 in one turn. The trick was to boast about our mental connection while at the same time acting like we'd never played before. "So is this kinda like Password? We're really good at Password."
Then we'd destroy them.
There was one card that caused us particular consternation, however. It was one that read "corned beef hash." Banjo had never tried it, and he couldn't ever seem to get a grasp on what it was from my descriptions. "Wait, it's dog food for people? I don't get this."
Then came Youth Conference 1998. We did a canned food drive for the homeless as our service project. One of the bags that were left for us contained a can of precious corned beef hash! I was ecstatic. This was our chance!
When we got back to the church where our dance would be held that evening, we set down our bags with all the rest, but I walked away with one stray can in my hand. I walked toward the room where my backpack was stored, but the door was locked. I turned around to find some other place to stash the hash, but there were some church-lady types coming up the hall toward me. I ducked into the men's room and looked around for a hiding spot. I noticed one of those air-freshener things high on the wall, so I stuck it on top of that where it wouldn't be noticed. I did my business, and then as I was washing my hands I noticed the problem. The can was clearly visible in the mirror. I got it back down and peeked into the hall. The door to my backpack was locked, and the ladies were still barricading the other end of the hall with their gossip. I was getting desperate. I looked in the stall.
Then I got an idea!
An awful idea!
THE SMURF
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
I took the wrapper off of the can (container), took the lid off of the can (toilet), and stuck the hash in the water in the back of the crapper. I would come back for it later.
Later:
During the dance, I was walking by that hall to get a drink of water when I noticed that the room with my backpack was open. I made haste, running inside the bathroom, throwing open the stall door, and--
--and the fat Mexican kid inside the stall had been masturbating when I first burst in, but now he was yelling at me. "What are you doing in here!?"
"What are YOU doing in here!?" I gasped. I was far away from the stall by this point.
"What's your problem? Why don't you knock?" he demanded.
"Why don't you lock the door?" I countered, "especially if you're going to be doing...." I fled.
In my head the whole time, I was just thinking, "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHGHHHHHHH."
A few minutes later I saw el Mexicano gordo y masturbante back on the dance floor with some innocent young girl in his manos, so I cautiously slipped back into the bathroom, retrieved the can, and packed it away in my backpack.
Banjo and Tox and I ate it the hash the next morning, and Banjo got to see just how barely tolerable the stuff really was. We had learned our lesson, though: never ever ever steal from the homeless. Bad things happen. There was one positive outcome of the whole ordeal, however....
Banjo: Masturbating Mexican
Smurf: Corned Beef Hash!
We were unstoppable, baby.
Enough Already
Well, I am pretty much annoyed with what happened on my previous post. So that is not allowed to happen any more, and I will start deleting comments if it starts up. Take it outside people. If someone offends you on my blog, and you really need to say something to them, let me know and I will put you in touch.
And I don't care which side anyone is on; I will defend anyone who is attacked, whether I agree with them or not. I'm not necessarily defending a person's opinion by merely defending the person's right to have it.
That said, here are two poems I wrote long ago that I felt like sharing with y'all right now. The first is an uplifting one about the savior. It's actually the first poem I ever wrote. The second is very different and I hope you can understand why it has the title I've given it. I think they're both apropros right now.
After All We Can Do
(2 Nephi 25:23)
by Elder Smurf
I had been in that hole for a very long time—
In the dark and the damp, in the cold and the slime.
The shaft was above me; I saw it quite clear,
But there’s no way I ever could reach it from here.
I could not remember the world way up there,
So I lost every hope and gave in to despair.
I knew nothing but darkness, the floor, and the wall.
Then from off in the distance I heard someone call:
“Get up! Get ready! There’s nothing the matter!
Take rocks and take sticks and build up a fine ladder!”
This was a thought that had not crossed my mind,
But I started to stack all the stones I could find.
When I ran out of stones, then old sticks were my goal,
For some way or another I’d climb from that hole.
I soon had a ladder that stood very tall,
And I thought, “I’ll soon leave this place once and for all!”
I climbed up my ladder, a difficult chore,
For from lifting those boulders, my shoulders were sore.
I climbed up the ladder, but soon had to stop,
For my ladder stopped short, some ten feet from the top.
I went back down my ladder and felt all around,
But there were no more boulders nor sticks to be found.
I sat down in the darkness and started to cry.
I’d done all I could do and I gave my best try.
But in spite of my work, in this hole I must die.
And all I could do was to sit and think, “Why?”
Was my ladder to short? Was my hole much too deep?
Then from way up on high came a voice: “Do not weep.”
And then faith, hope, and love entered into my chest
As the voice calmly told me that I'd done my best.
He said, “You have worked hard, and your labor’s been rough,
But the ladder you’ve built is at last tall enough.
So do not despair; there is reason to hope,
Just climb up your ladder; I’ll throw down my rope.”
I climbed up my ladder, then climbed up the cord.
When I got to the top of it, there stood the Lord.
I’ve never been happier; my struggle was done.
I blinked in the brightness that came from the Son.
I fell to the ground as His feet I did kiss.
I cried, “Lord, can I ever repay Thee for this?”
He looked all about. There were holes in the ground.
They had people inside, and were seen all around.
There were thousands of holes that were damp, dark and deep.
Then the Lord looked at me, and He said, “feed my sheep,”
And he went on his way to save other lost souls,
So I got right to work, calling down to the holes,
“Get up! Get ready! There is nothing the matter!
Take rocks, and take sticks, and build up a fine ladder!”
It now was my calling to spread the good word,
The most glorious message that man ever heard:
That there’s one who is coming to save one and all,
And we need to be ready when he gives the call.
He’ll pull us all out of the holes that we’re in
And save all our souls from cold death and from sin.
So do not lose faith; there is reason to hope:
Just climb up your ladder; he’ll throw down his rope.
HUMANITY
WE are the ones who storm your frabjous castles
WE are the ones who eat the last piece of your birthday cake while you float in clumsy slumber
WE are the ones who raze your village, rape your women, and sell your children
WE are the ones who grow uglier at the threat of your beauty
WE are the ones who smash your saints and relics just in case they work
WE are the ones who have no qualms about dumping you headlong into the moat you dug for us
The ones who lacerate your tongue and then kiss you with salted lips
The ones who tell everyone about your sacred dreams and the demons that haunt you by night
The ones who poison the tip of the meat thermometer before truculently thrusting it up behind your scapula
The ones who drop logs and boulders on your anointed head, and revel in it
The ones who laugh for you to hear when your perfect pink baby dies
The ones who wade through your excrement finding the filthiest jewels to send back to you in the mail
Who rap your strong knuckles with the nail-protruding end of a dusty board
Who tell you not to think that brightly yet won't let you change
Who leave bloated rat carcasses on your charming marble porch
Who sing songs that crawl into your ears and gnaw blisters onto your exquisite brain
Who pee on the floor when it's your turn for bathroom duty
Who visit you in your old age and strike you down with a misty rusty scythe
That is who we are
Do not hate us
And I don't care which side anyone is on; I will defend anyone who is attacked, whether I agree with them or not. I'm not necessarily defending a person's opinion by merely defending the person's right to have it.
That said, here are two poems I wrote long ago that I felt like sharing with y'all right now. The first is an uplifting one about the savior. It's actually the first poem I ever wrote. The second is very different and I hope you can understand why it has the title I've given it. I think they're both apropros right now.
After All We Can Do
(2 Nephi 25:23)
by Elder Smurf
I had been in that hole for a very long time—
In the dark and the damp, in the cold and the slime.
The shaft was above me; I saw it quite clear,
But there’s no way I ever could reach it from here.
I could not remember the world way up there,
So I lost every hope and gave in to despair.
I knew nothing but darkness, the floor, and the wall.
Then from off in the distance I heard someone call:
“Get up! Get ready! There’s nothing the matter!
Take rocks and take sticks and build up a fine ladder!”
This was a thought that had not crossed my mind,
But I started to stack all the stones I could find.
When I ran out of stones, then old sticks were my goal,
For some way or another I’d climb from that hole.
I soon had a ladder that stood very tall,
And I thought, “I’ll soon leave this place once and for all!”
I climbed up my ladder, a difficult chore,
For from lifting those boulders, my shoulders were sore.
I climbed up the ladder, but soon had to stop,
For my ladder stopped short, some ten feet from the top.
I went back down my ladder and felt all around,
But there were no more boulders nor sticks to be found.
I sat down in the darkness and started to cry.
I’d done all I could do and I gave my best try.
But in spite of my work, in this hole I must die.
And all I could do was to sit and think, “Why?”
Was my ladder to short? Was my hole much too deep?
Then from way up on high came a voice: “Do not weep.”
And then faith, hope, and love entered into my chest
As the voice calmly told me that I'd done my best.
He said, “You have worked hard, and your labor’s been rough,
But the ladder you’ve built is at last tall enough.
So do not despair; there is reason to hope,
Just climb up your ladder; I’ll throw down my rope.”
I climbed up my ladder, then climbed up the cord.
When I got to the top of it, there stood the Lord.
I’ve never been happier; my struggle was done.
I blinked in the brightness that came from the Son.
I fell to the ground as His feet I did kiss.
I cried, “Lord, can I ever repay Thee for this?”
He looked all about. There were holes in the ground.
They had people inside, and were seen all around.
There were thousands of holes that were damp, dark and deep.
Then the Lord looked at me, and He said, “feed my sheep,”
And he went on his way to save other lost souls,
So I got right to work, calling down to the holes,
“Get up! Get ready! There is nothing the matter!
Take rocks, and take sticks, and build up a fine ladder!”
It now was my calling to spread the good word,
The most glorious message that man ever heard:
That there’s one who is coming to save one and all,
And we need to be ready when he gives the call.
He’ll pull us all out of the holes that we’re in
And save all our souls from cold death and from sin.
So do not lose faith; there is reason to hope:
Just climb up your ladder; he’ll throw down his rope.
HUMANITY
WE are the ones who storm your frabjous castles
WE are the ones who eat the last piece of your birthday cake while you float in clumsy slumber
WE are the ones who raze your village, rape your women, and sell your children
WE are the ones who grow uglier at the threat of your beauty
WE are the ones who smash your saints and relics just in case they work
WE are the ones who have no qualms about dumping you headlong into the moat you dug for us
The ones who lacerate your tongue and then kiss you with salted lips
The ones who tell everyone about your sacred dreams and the demons that haunt you by night
The ones who poison the tip of the meat thermometer before truculently thrusting it up behind your scapula
The ones who drop logs and boulders on your anointed head, and revel in it
The ones who laugh for you to hear when your perfect pink baby dies
The ones who wade through your excrement finding the filthiest jewels to send back to you in the mail
Who rap your strong knuckles with the nail-protruding end of a dusty board
Who tell you not to think that brightly yet won't let you change
Who leave bloated rat carcasses on your charming marble porch
Who sing songs that crawl into your ears and gnaw blisters onto your exquisite brain
Who pee on the floor when it's your turn for bathroom duty
Who visit you in your old age and strike you down with a misty rusty scythe
That is who we are
Do not hate us
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