Sunday, May 22, 2005

Jar-Jar Away on Tatooine's Plains

The day Star Wars Episode II came out (and after I had watched it twice after closing the previous night to make sure I had spliced the film together correctly), I got to work bright and early and put in a good 17 hours of "crowd control." It was my job to disallow any lightsaber battles, distribute bathroom passes, and push popcorn and red vines on the weirdoes. I think it's kinda cool to see all the nerds and stuff, but when you end up for three hours of hyped-up special effects crammed next to a guy who probably hasn't been out of that Wookiee suit in over a week (I thought they smelled bad... on the OUTside), the charm is lost. Still, Star Wars dorks are better than Star Trek nerds. "Live long and prosper" my @$$! You freaky sucky trekkies with your stupid pizza-delivery-boy uniforms and your unapproachably esoteric movies. I swear the director of "Nemesis" just left periodically and Brent Spiner (Data, also famous for being the farting villain in "Master of Disguise") just had his robotic way with the script. "Hmm, in this scene, I think I'll sing a song. And here I'll fly like Superman. And now there's two of me! The fans are going to love this!" And was anyone else really just grossed out by the constant references to the nude honeymoon between Deanna Troy and the guy who wrote and directed the movie? If I were that lady, I would have had the heebie-jeebies so bad. But all those nerds were eating it up on opening night, leaning forward in their seets to get a better view should some hot empath skin flash across the screen. I would sooner get on Gates McFadden any day. Oh, crap, I think I've wandered too far out into nerddom for my typical reader. Maybe I'll just talk about my rock collection next time. Or the accompanying rock tumbler and black light to check for phosfluorescent impurities. Anyway, the point is, Star Wars Episode III is really fantastic, but curses to the brainless but loquacious young woman who let it slip that Anakin kills a bunch of little kids (um, belated spoiler alert. Sorry), thus spoiling one of the film's hardest hitting moments for me. And did you all notice how they did NOT kill Jar-Jar? Not even ONCE? Oh, well. At least he died just as many times as he spoke. And now, meesa gosa beddybye, Ani. May the force live long and prosper with you.

6 comments:

bawb said...

Fantastic analysis of Nemesis.

Wiggle said...

wow.

Toasteroven said...

I love the title of this post. Frickin' hilarious.

Benvolio said...

Yes, although a mature woman, Gates McFadden is still a true Star Trek babe. Notice that she never got even one good scene in all of the Next Generation movies?

Oh, man, did I just betray my nerd roots or what?

Betrayed. said...

I think you actually just honoured them.

The Wandering Shepherd said...

I believe you meant to say Episove III not V. But yeah, I got pissed when all the Jedi were getting executed!