Glossary II: Tox

Tox: In the 1970s, My mother and Lorna Eide were really good high-school friends. In 1980, my parents learned that I was on my way into this world (though I don't think they understood all the implications of what they were doing to the world). At the same time, Lorna was NOT pregnant. But her mother was. So Lorna's little brother and I were born two days apart, and we've been friends for as long as anybody can remember.

The Tox is short for Brettocks, which is a play on the way Forrest Gump pronounces "buttocks." We were in Scub Scouts together (that's how my brother always pronounced it), were in the same elementary school class, and in the same sunday school class. He looked a lot like that kid on animaniacs that would come out of his house and say a lot of things really fast about his friend Randy Beaman. Remember that kid? Like one time it was this:

"One time, OK, see, one time Randy Beaman's mom had a dreamthat she ate a big marshmallow and it was really good, andshe, and when she woke up ... [He scratches under his right arm.] ... her pillow was gone 'cause she ate it. 'K, bye." And then he runs back into the house. That's what Tox looked like when we were kids.

When we moved to a nearby town when I was 11, Tox would come spend the night from time to time. We went to the Wooz. After high school, we reconnected at Youth Conference. You know those nametags that say "HELLO My Name is?" And then you take a marker and write in your name? Well, when Tox and I ran into each other after years of separation, we saw that we had both written, "Inigo Montoya; you killed my father; prepare to die," on our name tags. There was a lot of shouting "Dude!" which is Tox's most used word. We seriously call our mothers "dude."

Tox is a linguistic oddity. Although he was raised right alongside me and my other friends, Tox somehow developed this huge surfer-dude accent. You know, like Michaelangelo on the Ninja Turtles, which we used to watch together all the time. That and Thundercats.

Tox and I were in the MTC at the same time. We had laundry and gym time together. After our missions, we got the sweetest apartment (with the craziest landlady). We had so much fun living out there. One time I ordered pizza to his parents' house at 1:00 in the morning because we lived too far out in the country to get pizza deliveries. So then we had to rush to their house to intercept the pizza before they awoke his parents. Our friend Joshua Adam Hawks drove us, and Tox and I were in the back seat with a blanket because it was butt cold outside. And a girl called Carrot, because she was a vegetarian. So at a stoplight, Tox threw the blanket over those of us in the back and started yelling, "Help! There's people under this blanket!" And I think that's the first time I really appreciated how hilarious that boy is.

Later, we got caught on a security camera toilet-papering the local Chuck E. Cheese's. Don't ask. The cop who caught us as we were trying to get sodas out of an out-door vending machine was pretty bemused when he found the shopping cart in the back of the truck, too. We couldn't really explain any of that. Anyway, he made us clean it up. That was sad.

My favorite Tox story is up next.

Tox and our mutual friend, Heather Angela Hawks, were hanging out one night while I was at the movie "Holes" at the dollar theatre with my roommate. This was aftter Tox and I had both moved to Utah, by the way. So they made this video. Since you can't see the video, I will tell you what happens on it. Heather is holding the camera, and she's outside the bathroom door at her crappy duplex. She asks Tox why he's been in the bathroom for so long. His voice is heard through the door. He stammers awkwardly about not wanting to explain. With a little pressure, he buckles.

"It's just that my poo... it smells so GOOD!"

"WHAT!" gasps Heather. "Tox, that is so weird!"

"I know, but it just smells so delicious!"

She freaks out, then demands that he come out of there. After some persuasion he opens the door a crack. And he has brown filth smeared all over his mouth. Sick. Heather, judging from the sound of her voice, is about to go insane with disgust. But also, she's laughing. "Tox, that is the grossest thing I have ever seen."

For a while he acts self-conscious about it. "You just don't understand, it's really good. I couldn't help it."

Heather adopts a sanctimonious tone. "I still can't believe you were in there eating your own poo. That's just disgusting."

"Well, what about YOU!?" asks Tox, indignantly. He grabs the camera and turns it on Heather, who holds a hand up to her face in a failed attempt to disguise the fact that her mouth has likewise been ringed in the brown putrescence this whole time. The video ends with a shot of the two of them and the camer in the bathroom mirror, and Tox is licking more off some toilet paper. It was at this point, after the video-making, that Tox hatched his best idea yet.

After "Holes," we were driving some girls home, and had to drive past our own house, first. There were three big, scary Harley-Davidson type guys on our front lawn. I made some comment. Those guys were still there when we got back home, so we bee-lined it for the front door, but the scaries intercepted us.

"Hey, do you guys live here?"

Gulp. "Yes."

"Okay, well, somebody just left poop on your porch, man."

We were pretty upset. The guys started describing what had happened.

"We were doing our normal neighborhood watch. Anything goes down in this neighborhood, we know about it. Like the guy in that house over there? He beats his wife. And that house has a ton of squatters and they deal drugs in there. Anyway, we were watching, and these two people came sneaking through the bushes at your house. And they left something on the porch and ran back to the truck. It was a silver truck, and we got a partial on the license plate. Anyway, we went up to the porch and saw that they left toilet paper with crap on it on your porch. So we tried chasing them, but they got away. Anyway, we woke up your roommate, and he called the cops."

After hearing the story a couple of times, I noticed that the license plate number sounded like a California plate. So I started to think about who I knew that was from California that had a silver truck. It had to be Tox. I asked the guys to describe the people they'd seen.

Well, the girl was short and had short hair, like a boy. And when they drove away she stood up in the back of the truck and yelled, "I LOVE POOOOO!" And the guy was really tall, and he had one of those faces, you know? Like, you look at this guy and you just KNOW he's an idiot. You can tell just by looking at him."

I turned to my roommate. "It's Heather and Tox."

"What!" he cried. Why would they put poop on our porch?

I ran into the house to see Spanky, my roommate, asleep once again on the couch. I was able to wake him, but not to get him very coherent, but he told me that he had indeed called the cops. He told me he'd thrown away the toilet paper in the big trash can outside.

I ran out back, and dug through the garbage. My suspicions were confirmed. I brought the soiled toilet paper into the house. The first roommate squealed, "Dude! Don't bring that in here!"

"It's just chocolate, man! It's chocolate frosting!"

We went back out front, and the scary triumvirate was now giving the license information to the police officer, who had just arrived. I explained that the whole thing was a joke, that it had actually been chocolate. The cop (I hate Provo cops) gave a world-worn smile and a nod that told us he gets more of these types of calls than real ones, and backed away.

Well, you can imagine how funny it was to call Tox and tell him how he'd been described. Poor guy. He really is a lot smarter than he looks, I can assure you.

Anyway, the point is that Tox and I go WAY back, and I love this guy. He's quite possibly the best roommate I'll ever have. Our friendship runs deep, and we did lots of zany stuff together. Those were great times. Anyway, that's all for now. Up next time in my glossary: Asmond, Chris, and Mustard. Heh heh heh (that's my evil laugh). Bye bye.