Monday, November 07, 2005

The Best (Worst) of Gargamel

Hmmm, as long as I, Gargamel, have been given control over this stupid blog (thanks, Wiggle) I think I'll hold on to it for a while. Here's the best of the things I wrote as Gargamel when I was a writer for the 100 Hour Board. Hope you hate it. (For those who don't get what the Board is, it's a question and answer place, and I used to answer the questions. So I'll give you the questions asked, followed each time by the answer I gave.)

QDear 100 Hour Board,
What is the coolest thing I could do for a guy with out spending very much money. Baking cookies and the usual, what every girl does ideas don't count. I am looking for the best thing to do for cheap that would make the guy go, "wow, that was nice." or better yet, "She must really care, maybe I can take a hint."
- Tinker Bell

ADear Tink,
You could wash his car, or do something useful. You could write him a kind note. You could cook him some spaghetti. You could start to do some of the menial every-day tasks of life for him, like buying groceries or opening the mail. You could start a journal of what he was wearing that day, and you can also write down everything he said to you or near you, and then after a few weeks, you can leave the journal somewhere where he can stumble across it, like his underwear drawer. Make sure you make it cute with puff paint and glitter. I know that a lot of guys have a hard time getting to bed on time, so another idea would be to sit outside his bedroom window at night, and watch him until he goes to bed. If he starts staying up past the time that is good for him, you can call him from your cell phone. Everyone could use a friendly reminder from time to time. Now, don't say anything at that point, because that might be too obvious that you like him. But if you remain completely silent, he might just think it was a wrong number and ignore it and stay up late. You're better off making some sort of noise, like heavy breathing, grunting, or slurping. Soon he'll come to realize that that's just an admirer's friendly little way of reminding him that it's bed time. Another cool thing would be to get samples of his hair, and have genetic tests run on them to see if there are any congenital birth defects he should be aware of. What guy wouldn't be appreciative of that much effort? If there are extra hairs, or if the tests turn out to be too expensive, you can tape them into the journal before you slip it in with his tighty-whities. The coolest thing of all would be to clandestinely take a picture of him and photoshop it into an engagement picture of yourself. I recommend the kind where you are in a tree and you're dressed in matching denim vests--very classy. Then send out the invitations to everybody (don't forget his friends and family--you might need to "borrow" his address book for that one while you're in his room delivering the journal). You should also buy yourself a ring. Then a real marriage proposal to you would seem the natural thing to do! Just imagine how a guy would feel when he found out he didn't have to buy you a ring or worry about the invitations. He'll be pleased as punch. If you send him all those signs, and he still doesn't get it, hurt him. Just a little bit. Maybe then he'll come around. Well, I am out of my mind today.
--Gargamel

QDear 100 Hour Board,
Does anyone else find it weird that someone would keep pictures of ex girlfriends in their wallet?(And we're not talking the last person they dated. We're talking 7 years ago in high school.)
Miss Bojangles

ADear Miss Bojangles,
I don't think it's weird. Sounds like a pretty good way for him to show other guys what a stud he is. You know, like how hunters put those heads on the wall.
--Gargamel

QDear 100 Hour Board,
Every year my friends and I celebrate Festivus and have a huge party involving feats of strength. My question is, what are some ideas for games involving feats of strength?
- (speedraycr who is also BLoG)

ADear BLoG,
Pick each other up by the hair. Stop traffic with your bare hands. Strangle a bear just until it passes out. Catch pennies that people have dropped off the Empire State buildind with the soft spots on your skulls. Have a tug-of-war with your friend's truck on the freeway (you might need to tie yourself to the end of the rope for this one). Play catch with an anvil. See who can keep various limbs in the garbage disposal longest. Happy Festivus to you!
--Gargamel*


*This site, and the opinions and statements contained herein, do not necessarily reflect the beliefs or policies of Brigham Young University, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, or any of their affiliates, or even the guy who wrote this.

QDear 100 Hour Board,
how do i earn about $70 - $100 with out getting a job..(my life is too busy to keep a job right now)? I need it for christmas and i dont know how to get it. Any ideas? btw, i dont go to byu, so no on-campus ideas please. Thanks!!
- poor did

ADear poor did,
Sell some stuff. Like your neighbors' cat or fake gift certificates to restaurants that you just printed off the computer. Make sure you sell these things in neighborhoods that are not your own.
--Gargamel

QDear 100 Hour Board,
Oh, where to begin...I'm an attractive, funny, smart, kind, stylish girl, (I say that only to rule those issues out as causes for my date-less-ness) and in my second year at BYU. I have yet to be asked on a single date. I'm at a loss. This might sound weird, but I feel I fit the profile of girls who get a lot of dates here. I really make an effort to look nice when I got to school and try to be friendly, but must confess I'm a bit shy. Still, shyness aside, I'm struggling to find a legitimate cause for my singlehood. Even when I get the guts to talk to a guy, it ends when the conversation ends (not one has ever asked for my number.) I guess my question is two tiered. The first being; are there particular things that girls do (perhaps unknowingly) that repel guys? And the other part of my question is; what can I do to improve my situation? What do guys here look for, because I clearly don't have it. I don't even have guy FRIENDS...I don't feel I'm asking too much here, but somehow I find myself lonely and bored during much of my week and could really use some help. I just can't figure this out. Any suggestions or advice or...date offers...would be very much appreciated. I feel pathetic asking these questions, but clearly, I'm desparate. Thanks!
- Alice in (Dating) Wonderland (supposedly...)

ADear Alice (or maybe you're Mabel today...),
Hmmm. Here are some ideas. You could bake cookies for every guy in your ward, and then wait by the phone for the date invites to start flooding in (you may have to get call waiting!). Make little fliers about how cool you are and distribute them around campus. That's how we get readers for the Hundred Hour Board, so I bet it'll get you some dates. Tell boys that you go on dates all the time, so they know you're playing the game. Or remind them constantly that the prophet says they should date more. Go to a movie by yourself, and look around for a guy who's by himself or on the edge of his group of male friends. Sit next to him, and then sit close to him, and then ask him to get you some popcorn (all the while touching his elbow). After the movie, ask him nonchalantly where he's taking you for dinner. This actually will work with some guys. Put yourself on ldssingles.com. Use Anne hathoway's picture instead of your own, just in case. Keep your ears open for when other people are going on blind dates. Then show up just a few minutes before the girl and pretend to be her all evening. Good luck!
--Gargamel

QDear 100 Hour Board,
So I have a roommate, and she is really nice. We have alternating schedules, I work and study late, she does early, which works fine, except for one little detail. She is healthy and doesn't have a cold as far as she can tell, but when she wakes up early in the morning (we are talking 5-6am) she has coughing fits. This is a problem as I go to bed circa 1am (due to work and such) and it wakes me up. Any suggestions?
- Gebleesta

ADear Gebleesta,
You can start slipping her sleeping pills before she turns in. Then before you go to bed, turn off her alarm clock. That way she won't be waking up before you. You could probably do that for a few weeks befoe she becomes immune to the medicine. At that point, just start tying her mouth with a gag before you go to sleep.
--Gargamel

QDear 100 Hour Board,
NOOOOOO! I just checked the class schedule, figuring out what classes I'm going to take... AND I DISCOVERED THAT THEY AREN'T TEACHING STAINED GLASS OR BASKETWEAVING THIS WINTER!!! WHY? WHY? It's my last term (I graduate in April), and I wanted to take something fun and unusual... "Yeah--I learned basketweaving at BYU..."
- Crushed... :((

ADear Crushed,
Our society has no need for basket-weavers. Our baskets come ready-made. Slave children in Malaysia produce them for us. We don't want to put them out of work. Their families have to eat.
--Gargamel

QDear 100 Hour Board,
I need a great, inexpensive, fun, not creepy or dorky, date idea to do on Saturday during the day. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
- Angela from London
ADear Angela,
Hmmm. Good date ideas, huh?
You could invite your date to watch a scary movie in a graveyard using a generator. Then have someone hiding in a grave that you've dug earlier, and they can jump out and scare your date, and maybe dump mud or something that feels like brains on him.* You could play chess with him and tell him he doesn't get dinner until he beats you. Then, to make the fun of the evening last longer, take a full minute or even two between moves. You could do a Star Trek movie marathon. Make sure to show up in your full Star Trek formal evening regalia. How about Arts & Crafts Night, and you could use glue guns and those special zig-zag scissors and make matching photo albums? You could go really late at night and sneak around to various dumpsters behind restaurants and see what food is still edible in there.** Usually they have the food in separate bags from the other trash. Talk about an inexpensive date, huh? And the best thing is, if your date ends up fighting a hobo over some grimy KFC, you get to watch a free bumfight! You could plan a dinner at your parents' house, and then have them push the idea of marriage and talk about how lucky any man will be to be part of their family.** You could tell him you're taking him somewhere that's a surprise, and then just drive and drive and drive until he finally makes you turn around. I bet you could make it well into Wyoming before he puts his foot down. Well, I hope one of these ideas works for you. Remember, a date is only successful if you have more fun than the person you're with.
--Gargamel

* Idea given at the Orem Institute of Religion in a Marriage Prep class
** Dates I've actually been on

QDear 100 Hour Board,
My roommates and I are in a war and we have a few scathingly brilliant ideas up our sleaves, but we were wondering if you could give us your best legal prank ideas that won't get us in trouble, but will be great retaliation. Oh, if this will help, we are in Heritage. I know there are some things that you can do here that are strickly Heritage ideas. I commend you now for your great efforts in helping us win.- Kesstacular

ADear Kesstacular,
It's only illegal if you get caught. That said, I have some suggestions. You could put their names in bleach somewhere on the lawn around Heritage. That way THEY get in trouble. You could ask them out with those elaborate date-asking things that Utahns are fond of (you know the kind with the Jell-o, duct tape, and stuffed kiwi birds?), but make them from imaginary people. Or ask out really horrible unattractive people from the people you're trying to get.* Kidnap any pets they might have and hold them ransom, and then feed the pets tons of food that will make them vomit a LOT right before you make the trade back.** Key their cars. Leave flaming bags of fecal matter or dead squirrels on their doorsteps. Call them every few minutes all during the night. Order tons of anchovy pizzas to be delivered to their house.** Call them pretending to be the Honor Code Office, and vaguely tell them they've been caught breaking the code, and unless they confess, you'll be telling their parents. Put rubber cement on their toothbrushes so that they tear their gums open when they try to brush their teeth.** Break into their apartment at night with ski masks and take their major electronics equipment back to your own place.* Plant a listing of made-up Sexaholics Anonymous meeting times somewhere in their apartment where all the roommates can find it and assume that it's one of the others'.* Tell them you need to use their restroom, then clog the toilet with a rubber duck, lock the door, and escape out the window. With any luck they'll have to call maintenece twice on that one. Photoshop their pictures into Newsnet photos of white supremecist meetings, and make flyers to distribute in the foyer before church. Bake some Viagra into some brownies, or replace their shampoo with Nair. Sew up the sleeves on all their shirts.** Take the guts out of their smoke alarms, and replace them with rotten fish.* They'll smell it, but they won't ever think to look there! Shave off their eyebrows while they sleep, and then gently squeeze toothpaste onto their eyelids so they can't open them when they wake up.* Just remember, if you can get them to cry, you have won. And also that I'm an insane evil wizard.
--Gargamel

* Pranks I've done
** Pranks I've had done to me

QDear 100 Hour Board,
Where is the cheapest place to buy a bonsai tree? I really want one; but, I can't afford one. I have searched diligently on eBay; but, once you account for the shipping price they are pretty expensive there too.
- Planty

ADear Planty,
They are available for pretty cheap on this website. Wait. What was the question again?
--Gargamel

(I actually got hate mail on that last one, heh heh)

Until next time, all you loathsome blog-reading scum.

3 comments:

Sara Bear said...

That kitten thing was pretty risky. That's really just so sad.

Anyway, I'm totally excited that we all get to hang out this weekend!

I wonder if there are any kidnappers in Utah...

el veneno said...

You are a creative genius with some stellar dating advice.

buh said...

"GET IN THE MOLESTER VAN!"

You have so many ideas. I love when you get in trouble. Where is it that the police have a warrant for your arrest? hehe..

I love that blind date idea, just pretending to be someone else. It's so mean, but I think it's hilarious. Gargamel is my new friend, except that he needs to be nicer to cats.