Hooch

Pinetree and Wiggle and I went to see Batman Begins again at the dollar theatre last night. This horrible girl sat right behind us with her loquacious friends, blabbering on and on.

"Oh, where do I know that actor from? Is that Tom Cruise? Remember that time when we went to that dance and you dressed like such a slut? Hahahaha. Man, those bats are scary. Are you s@%* faced? I know I am."

It just kept going. Wiggle wanted me to say something. The people in front of us turned around and told us to let them know if we heard any high-school students around. Then the stupid girl reached over and touched Pinetree's ear. She said she just couldn't stop looking at it. I finally turned around.

She grew defensive. "What, I like his ears."

"Could you please try to be quiet?"

She gasped. "Are you serious? I--"

"Yes. This isn't an audience-interactive movie-going experience."

She turned to her friends. "He's serious!" Then back to me, "I can make comments if I want."

"Yeah, you can go home and rent a movie and talk all you want. But here you need to be quiet."

I turned around, and she muttered under her breath, "Well, I am NEVER joining the Mormon church now."

That one actually amused me. Because yeah, right she wasn't Mormon. People in Utah who aren't Mormon don't just automatically assume that everyone else is.

Anyway, to make sure I hadn't done irreparable damage, I called her the B-word on my way out, just so she wouldn't think I'm Mormon. And also because she was being one, hitting my chair and kicking the back of my head throughout the movie.

The sad thing is that once she actually quieted down, I totally fell asleep. I had to leave part-way through the movie so I could sleep in the car. I'm such an old man these days. The good thing about that was that when I left, the girl thought I was going to tell on her, so she totally shut up for the rest of the movie.

While I was in the car, a couple came and started making out against their running car right next to me. They saw me, but ignored me. I was awakened a while later by the guy saying very loudly, "Not right here. There's a guy like two inches away and he can totally see us."

"Come on, I don't care!" whined the girl.

"No way, look at him. He's probably got a hand in his pocket and he's--"

Well, common decency requires that I not repeat what he said. But it sure was crazy. After a lot more discussion about sex and the fact that I could see them, they finally they got in the car and drove off. They were obviously saying those things so I'd hear them. It was very strange, all around.

Anyway, I thought I'd just offer you a little slice of what it's like to be me in Provo. Bye.