Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Grouchy Gripes Again

More Things I Hate:

I HATE capers. They grow near the ocean and they are disgusting. I had a macaroni salad one time, and it secretly had these little nasties in it. I made a big scene spitting it out. I just can't handle them. I mean, I hate a lot of foods, but this is the one I hate the most. So I hope you believe me that they are terrible terrible terribles.

I HATE Scrappy Doo. I have this secret suspicion that his middle name is the same as his last name. I know I'm bagging on a fellow Hannah-Barberian here, but this freakish little mutant version of Scooby needs to get dipped like in Roger Rabbit. He used to run around and yell "Puppy Power!" or "Put 'em up, put 'em up!" I'll tell you what you can put 'em up, Crappy Doo.

I HATE Squamous cell carcinoma. Okay, to be honest, I don't really know what it is, but I found this picture of it, and that's enough for me to say something.

I HATE Sporty Spice. Spice girls in general are a strange and foreign species. But at least they are funny, and hot. But then there is Sporty Spice. The difference between sporty and the rest of the Sisters Spice is that she is not hot. She is quite nasty, in fact. And I'm completely willing to overlook the fact that she's the one who can actually sing.

I HATE progeria. Progeria is a congenital disease that makes kids age at about ten time their natural rate. The kids usually die very young, after having become scary dried up husks reminiscent of the aliens in the awful McDonald's-funded 80s movie, Mac and Me. The worst thing is that these kids become demented before they go. Their skeletons never properly harden, so they spend most of their lives in bed. I also hate that that one kid's penis is showing.

I HATE Trekkies. Look at them. We'll start with the one on the left, whom I consider to be the most tragic case in this photo, solely because he looks like he could actually have a chance at a life. But no, there he is, dressed like the other freaks and sporting a tiny plastic toy gun. Or phaser if you will. The next three make me wonder whether some sort of gravity ray is on them. Or maybe they forgot to drink their V8 today. Most likely, though, is that the Klingon guy smells very, very, egregiously bad. To the woman: Intergalactic Ordinance #570034-87 clearly states: "If you are older than my mom, you don't go out in public in a short dress and whoreboots. Klingon guy, I hope you get your mother's gold blouse back in her closet before she notices it's missing. And I hope you go back into yours. The world doesn't need you.

I still HATE Trekkies. You do not let your children near a giant horrible fat alien like that. I don't care if it is his mother.

I HATE gay Trekkie couples with adopted mysteriously Asian Trekkie babies and 1980s haircuts. Why does this exist!?

I HATE naked mole rats. I hate that they are naked. I hate their nasty twelve nipples, primarily because they are nasty in and of themselves, but secondarily because their sheer number suggests the size of the litter. I hate the wrinkles. Anything that wrinkled should never be naked. I hate the teeth, the gums, and the lower lip, which I believe actually got chewed through. I hate that if these things stop breaking their teeth down on the rocks through which they dig, their nasty lower teeth just keep growing until they run right through the brain. I hate that some guy seems to be touching the naked mole rat with his bare hands. I would use gloves or a bullet or plastic explosives or something.

I HATE the movie Master of Disguise. When you watch this movie, you can tell that they were like, "Hey, let's not write a script for this movie. Let's just dress up Dana Carvey in different ridiculous outfits and see how funny he bes." And so then Dana Carvey puts on some outfit, and instead of being funny, he's all, "Hey look at me, walkin' around and wearin' a hilarious wig and being so flippety funny." And then they put Brent Spiner, (Star Trek's Data) in the role of the villain, and made his only joke the fact that he farts every time he lets out an evil laugh. And then he does it lots of and lots of times. This is hands down the worst movie I have ever experienced. It's doubly sad that it was in theatres at the same time as his old Wayne's World buddy's Austin Powers III, with the notable distinction that the latter was actually funny and successful. I worked in a movie theatre for a year, and this is the film for which I had the most people ask for their money back. Well, maybe it was tied with Jackass: The Movie. But the point is, they both sucked.

I Hate goats' eyes. Particularly this one, because of the white crud and the opaque, viscous fluids oozing from it, but really all goats' eyes in general. They have rectangular pupils, and you have to see them up close because they try to follow you around and eat your clothing. You can't really see the pupils here, so I'm gonna show you one more before I end this.

See? Even without the sludge coming out, I HATE goats' eyes. Now go away. I probably hate you, too.


Mustard said...

Those are some of the most disgusting pictures I have ever seen! You have the right to be grouchy. I hate boxes of raisins with maggots in them...can't find a picture, but trust me, it's gross! (especially if you accidently eat them...oops, I probably gave away too much.) That is followed closely by Safeway roast with maggots. I need to go barf...excuse m

JB said...

I never realized that goats have rectangle pupils! Freaky! They just always look vacant and expressionless to me. :shrug:

Bloggerworm said...

Smurf! I'm here to answer that you have to get a Zanga account to post comments or something so I just use my moms. Thanks for commenting!

вџн said...

I hate when cats crap under my bed. I hate French accents. I hate minivans, and I hate purple minivans more. I hate that little sass-mouth on the smart&final commercials. I hate when fat people wear short shorts and the shorts ride up and everything. I hate judge judy. I hate sloths. I hate nasty dirt that smells like fecal matter. I hate Dr. Phil and his bald head and his moustache and his attitude. I hate politicians in general. I hate old touchy-feely people. I hate those nervous little dogs that NEVER shut up. I hate singing. I hate dramatic angst-filled teenagers. I hate snappy doctors. I hate people who turn the volume ALL the way up. I hate petitions. I hate those crappy little car mufflers that sound like kazoos. I hate my alarm clock. I hate Lance Armstrong bracelets. I hate high school harry's. I hate tv. k, I'm done.

Latino-dude-in-Utah said...

my block looks so gay.. maybe becasue I'm gay? if u have a problem with that.... I don't really care becasue I don't know you, I just took my time of writing this back to let you know that I might be gay, and I proud of being how I am, at least I express myself the way I want to. No offence dude, but that's me, that's how I let people to know me so I don't have any secrets for them. I guess I'm too honest, and it's bad not to keep secrets.. but that's how I am. Are u mad or something? if u are well... (sorry)

Christmas Smurf said...

Oh, great. I post the words "penis," "gay," "whoreboots," "naked," and "jackass," and then a ten-year-old comes and leaves a comment on here. Sorry, Chris, about your sister. I need to find a way to rate my blog PG-13.

Bloggerworm said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Bloggerworm said...

I diden't rad it, relax!

Sara Bear said...

DUDE!!! SEriously on the way to Utah with Jonathan I was asking him if he had seen Mac & Me and he hadn't and I told him that we HAD to watch it together because it's so funny. I even tried to demonstrate how the father alien walks (not easy in a car) and I did the hand antenna thing and whistled at him... He's not so stoked about seeing the movie, but I own it so he'll get to soon.